The Return

Well looky here, I'm back. Sorry I've been gone for so long and without really an explanation. I mean we all need our time to ourselves and all that, but that's not really it. I'm not really sure why myself, and it's more than just not blogging. This summer has been a weird one for me, for the most part I've just been disinterested in taking any action to actually do something despite all my complaints about having nothing to do. I've been complacent to sit around and complain about things and how I'm sooooo bored and have nothing to do when there are plenty of things I could be doing and people I could call. I've just lost interest in actually doing much this summer. It could be my body and mind rebelling after the hell I put it through last year with track being harder and more stressing than ever along with tough classes and other things added in. I suppose I did need a break, at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. Even though I suppose that's true I still have a hard time telling myself that. There are multiple reasons for that I'm sure but the main ones focus on who I am and what I've grown up with. With the number of people in my family there is always something to be done and when I'm not doing anything I'm always being called lazy, albeit is mainly by my step dad. And he's actually gotten a lot better so there's not even his nagging to really make me do anything. I mean I help when it's needed but he doesn't randomly show up and tell me to do stuff. And along with that, I'm just a restless and energetic person. When I'm not doing anything I feel lazy, pathetic and useless. Even when I might deserve a break it just doesn't feel right giving myself one.

Along with just feeling lazy and useless there are other reasons, or at least one that most people know about, that I have felt like being rather useless this summer. I'm not really going to go into any detail or anything because I still believe that what I feel does not need to be plastered on the Internet for any reason, but I am now single. Yeah it sucks and it has caused a lot of thoughts to go through my head and I suppose that is one of the main reasons I don't feel like doing much. Yeah yeah I know life goes on, but for now I'm wishing it wouldn't. It'll be better to get back to school and get to work. With what I'll have on my plate it will be well in my power to exhaust myself beyond thinking and worry and I can't say I'm not looking forward to it. An active lifestyle has a calming effect. It's comforting to know that at the end of the day you did something to make your day worthwhile. Whether it's a good workout, a long day of work, or an annoying test or assignment, there is something to that feeling of exhaustion that just makes me feel whole.

Haha I know it sounds strange and retarded but then again so do many of the things I say. It's kind of funny to think about a lot of things I say and how people must think of them. It's funny because a lot of things I say and/or do are incredibly hypocritical, but I really don't care. It's the way I am and if it sounds strange to you ... well just don't do it yourself. So I don't leave you all scratching your heads I'll give an example; the fact that I will always try to help people whether they really want me to or not. I mean I'm not going to force someone to let me help them but I will be there. Just because they may not want it or may not need it doesn't mean I won't be standing there to catch them if they fall or to lend a helping hand. Just because you don't ask for help doesn't mean you don't need it. Now the hypocritical part ... I don't usually leave myself open for people to help. I mean sure I blab about how I'm feeling a lot but I don't actually let myself show when I may need help. I expect others to accept my help and yet do not want any. A stupid explanation that I seem fond of giving is that how can people to expect me to be able to help if I need help myself? The contradicting nature of ... my nature has been pointed out before and I'm sure there are lots of other examples but oh well. I have never claimed to be normal, wise, or even smart. I do what I do because it's what i feel I should, whether it makes sense or not.

Well that was a long rant full of mostly confusing and pointless statements, just like before eh? Good to see I haven't changed all that much.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D