So Many Expectations and So Many Doubts

Well I've been very bleh lately and thought that perhaps blogging once more would help me sort it out. I have slightly given up on blogging because of all the things people seem to be expecting of me lately. They expect me to act a certain way and expect that because they read my blog or because I trust them with some things that they know me. There is a lot more to me than people think and my blogging gives some of them a false sense of knowledge. Yes this is me, this is what I think and how I feel but there so much more to me that people seem to assume about. Even people who I think know me surprise me sometimes with their ignorance. They call me deep and thoughtful and yet think that they can somehow predict my life and choose my actions. I'm growing tired of all the expectations people throw on me without realizing it, all the hopes and fears they think they know and can understand. Well sadly enough, they are wrong. I hide things I don't want to talk about and just because I am open about a lot of things does not mean you know everything. Me smiling when talking about somebody does not instantly mean I'm hiding some crush. When I say no I don't know what you are talking about or that I don't care, guess what? I'm telling the truth. There is not some hidden meaning behind everything I do and if I'm not talking about something then there is most likely a good reason for it. If I want to talk I'll come to you so STOP DIGGING!!

I can't seem to live my own life these days. It constantly feels as though all the expectations of what I will do are controlling my life. Ignore that fact that those choices are indeed the ones I would make, but they are MY choices to make, not yours. If you think something is good for me then let me find that conclusion myself and for the love of god don't claim that something I have done or that the choice I made was your doing or that you knew it was best for me from the start. Congratulations! Who gives a shit. This is My life and these are MY choices, leave them be. I will live MY life the way that I choose. I am tired of people assuming they know me. I am open yes but you do not know everything so stop thinking you do. I talk things out to feel better not to get opinions. I like sounding boards, not judges who tell me the verdict and what I must do. Does someone like me and you think we'll be good together! Good for you, now that you've told me stop asking about it, stop telling me what she thinks, stop throwing little hints, stop asking questions. If I want you to know I'll tell you and if I want to know what she thinks I'll ask. I'm not dumb and can always tell when people are hinting at things or trying to make me talk about stuff. The people I enjoy talking to the most are the ones that listen, nod their heads and let me live my life. If I'm making a mistake then fine, it's mine to make and you'll just have to be there when it falls apart. If it's going well then smile and give me a pat on the back. I don't need encouragement and I don't need advice, unless I ask.

It just seems that as soon as there is any hint of something going well or something going bad I have people leaping down my throat. If I'm not smiling then something MUST be wrong, it's Ty he can't be sad. And yet when I deny it they just jump further and further down my throat and piss me off, which of course only convinces them that something must be wrong. If I'm angry then I'm mad at something, of course it's not them that's pissing me off ... The same thing happens when things go well. I enjoy congratulations and well wishes but when I've known a girl for 2 weeks and everybody wants to know every detail. Well guess what, there are none, I barely know her. This is where the expectations of everybody kicks in, convincing me that I should feel a way that I don't. Convincing me that since things are going well then they will continue to do so and that nothing will go wrong. Well seems I was wrong again. I'm tired of feeling like my life isn't mine to live, feeling like I'm only walking down the paths that people gave me. Even if it's the direction I would have chosen myself eventually I need to make the decision on my own, how else am I going to feel like I'm doing what I want and not just doing what everyone makes me feel like I should? I recently made that mistake and it sucks, and I don't want it happening again. People need to learn to leave me to live my own life and I just need to learn to ignore people.

Expectations and pressures are very real and it seems rather dangerous. I need to break free of what others want me to do or want me to feel and just figure out what I want. And there's the problem, I don't KNOW what I want. I'm trying t figure it out but it's tough when people keep trying to get involved. Every little thing I do or feel does not have to act like a firework to everyone around me. I'm just another guy trying to find out what I love in life. Perhaps when the crowds of people clear from in front of my face I can finally see what I truly want rather than where everyone is trying to lead me. I'll find my way and make my own decisions in the end, I hope, but things would be so much easier if everyone would just leave me be and stop prying. For once I'm trying to keep things to myself, so shut up and just watch from the sidelines. Cheer or boo for me if you do or don't like my choices but realize that they are MINE to make and that what you think really doesn't matter.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D