Who Am I?

So I just got the urge to blog about ... something. Usually when I blog it's because some emotion is running through my mind and I want to get it written down for you guys who care enough to read this. And this time is no different. I was actually thinking about why I blog, and how as well. I read some of my friends' blogs and they all seem to have some kind of writing style, some kind of purpose when writing. And yet here I am just rambling. Does my posting even mean anything? It's not particularly amusing, nor important, it's not even really a detailed description of what I do. I started to do this because I thought it would be nice to spread to some of my closest friends the innermost things I always think but never say, the things I hide and keep to myself. My first bunch of posts really were like that, deep and meaningful and they told things about me that I can almost guarantee none of you knew before you read this. But now, and recently before this, my posts don't really seem to have any point. I'm not providing a laugh, not addressing some controversial topic, not addressing any topic really, or even telling a story. I just open this up and ... type. Is this really interesting? Does it matter? Does anybody even care? Haha and to go even deeper to the real center of my thoughts, do I matter? Does anybody care? People always tell me they do and that I make a difference but i always find that hard to believe.

Everybody has a purpose, whether it's a divine fate or a destiny carved out by your own bloody hands. We all have one, and yet I can never seem to find mine. Or at least when i think i've found it I question it. Maybe my destiny is to question, to wander about hoping I'm doing the write thing and that what I do will really make the world a better place. I'm studying to e a Chemical Engineer, but what does that really mean? Is it really what I'm meant to do. I don't have some future goal or career mapped out like some people, I'm just wandering along hoping I'm on the right path and that it won't someday turn into a free fall. I've been asked before, jokingly, whether I'm really studying to be the right thing. That I'm so focused on helping people and that I'm so personable that I should be a doctor or something. Should I? Is that my purpose, or at least a better use of my time? It's kind of late now and I have no intention of backing down from the future I've chosen, but I always wonder. Would I have made a good doctor? Could I have made more of a difference?

It's not even just occupational things that make me wonder, it's life itself. I try to live my life for others, but is it really worth it? Am I even making that big a difference? Every situation or relationship I go into I always think about everything i do, Whether or not it will hurt them or make things worse for them, that is always in the top of my mind. I put myself second, it's just my nature. I'd like to think that doing that really does help, but does it really? I still seem unable to help those that matter. All i can really do in the end is watch them get hurt. I am only human and there is only so much I can do, but is that enough to make a difference in the lives around me? And if it isn't I do believe I am screwing myself in the process. Putting myself second is nice and dutiful and all that, but is it worth the pain? I have given up or let pass so many opportunities because of how it would affect others. I'm satisfied with the way things are and I have no regrets but i can never help but wonder how my life would be if I thought for myself a little more.

To quote a few things someone very close to me said, "You think about others too much, one of these days you're going to have to look after yourself." I suppose she is right. i always seem to get hurt, just because I don't look after myself. And some even see that deep into who I am themselves, without having to read my blog. Hahaha I try to look after others and do what I can for them and in the end I'm the one standing alone.

I feel kind of bad mentioning recent events here but it just kind of fits. I try to do what I can for someone and in the end I'm alone once more. I know that it happened for a good reason, even if I don't know all of it. I'm not bitter or angry about any of it but it still hurts. Even when you really try to look after someone they in the end try to look after you. Haha it's kind of a funny little cycle. When I try to look after someone who actually understands this side of me they try to take care of me in turn and they do that by forcing me to look after myself and my own life. Whomever you may be don't take these last few sentences too seriously, they don't make a lot of sense even to me. Most of my rants don't.

Well all in all I guess I really won't know my own purpose. I will continue the way I am and life life how I can. What happens happens and I will live my life. I will always hold on to those close to me, whatever it takes. That is one thing I refuse to change. Maybe that is my purpose? To be that thin layer of glue that holds everything together. Needed in some places more than others but always holding everything else together. Eventually it will break and things will go their own way, but i will hold on as long as I can. And glue can always be reapplied. I'm not going anywhere. My arms are always open for those close to me who have gone and come again, or those who have never known me. I'm always waiting, always holding on in a desperate attempt to make snes out of this thing we call life.

I may never find my true purpose, my calling, my destiny inscribed in the heavens at the beginning of time, but one thing is quite certain; I will always be me. Through thick and thin, blood and tears, love and loss. In the rain and in the sun, alone or with my friends, I will always be me ... whatever that means,

"And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world that we know disappear"

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Here We Go

Well tonight is my last of freedom, the last one before the school year starts. Starting tomorrow I'll have classes, rush, and track along with lots of other stuff. This year is going to be rough but as always I wouldn't have it any other way. Just to warn you all, I may not be able to keep my promise that I would be blogging more frequently. The more I think about it the more I realize that I may really not have time for it. I'll of course try to when I can, and I'm sure there will be plenty to blog about, but I suppose we'll just have to see.

So how do I feel right now? Strangely excited. I always complain when I'm so busy that I have no time for anything else and yet here I am looking forward to getting started. Maybe I just want to get it out of the way or something but it's just weird. I know being ridiculously busy will help me stop thinking about how things are going to be, which I do too often, and get me more focused on what needs done. I've got a few things to take care of but that will happen in time. Right now I just need to go day by day and work my way through this. At least this time I realize before hand that I need to manage my time better and am already starting with that. So hopefully that and the fact that realize what I'm getting myself into will make this a little easier on me. Well wish me luck as I start another semester of more than I can chew :-P

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Training Complete

Hmmm so i do realize that in my last post I said I would be blogging more ... but the last week didn't really leave me much time. RA training lasted since last Wednesday and every day after official training i had to work on my door decorations and bulletin boards for my residents. It went from like 9 until 8 or later every night so it was a busy week. But that ended today so I have time to take a breather, so here it goes ..... whew.

Training was fun and I learned a lot. None of the stuff I learned really surprised me but now that it's all done it seems that being an RA really entails a lot more than I thought. I'm responsible for a lot more things than I ever picked up on when i was a resident myself. So as it turns out this year will be even busier and ass kicky than I thought. Oh well, I'll survive like I always do. Even though hat seems to mean by the skin of my finger tips ...

On another note, or rather the same one, move in is this weekend. A lot of freshman will be pouring in and hopefully some of my upperclassmen friends as well. There will also be the final orientation session and my friends that are orientation leaders. I'm really excited to see a lot of them and I think some of the meetings will be ... interesting ... but I'll deal with that when it happens. I'm pretty excited for move in though. As busy as I am going to be it is going to be a lot of fun meeting all the residents and helping everyone out. And as another perk of the job, I seem to be becoming good friends with the police officers in the area as well as the custodial staff and a lot of other people who impact this campus a lot more than you realize. And now I'm on a first name basis with a lot of them, it's quite fun. I am a very sociable person and this aspect of the job will be quite fun for me. Meeting and befriending the staff and other RA's all within the first time or so meeting them. I am already good friends with people I met two days ago, and knowing me I'm not going to let them become acquaintances. When you befriend me you're stuck with me. So I think I will leave this year with a lot of new friends, my age and older.

So that's all in the life of me, expect a few more frequent posts, mainly me getting back into the groove of blogging, and then consistent updates. Hopefully people are still reading this, despite the little month long drop off. There are some people I know read this and others that I hope do, and I'm hoping every last one of them reads it. Because despite the relationship, I really do enjoy sharing who i am and I hope you enjoy reading about me.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Good to be Back

Well I suppose I'm due for an update, and there has actually been something interesting to blog about. I always hate when I feel like blogging and yet can find nothing worth blogging about. When I talk to people I tend to repeat myself and I'm sure that would end up happening here as well, so I'm trying to save you the bore. Anyway ... I'm back at school. It was an ok summer, I was really detached for really no reason at all and didn't hang out with people as much as I wanted to but that's the thing about good friends, they won't care. We are all disappointed about it but we'll survive and just talk more while I'm here and when I visit back home. And as much as I enjoyed being home with my family I have really been looking forward to coming back. Family is family and I love them to death but it's honestly just better to get away and be able to run my own life and not have to constantly help run the lives of all my little sisters. There are people waiting for me here, well I guess I'm waiting for them now, and I can't wait to see them. There are some I'd like to see more than others, even if they may not be looking forward to it as much as I am, but they will all get a flying hug when I find them.

Well I am currenty sitting in my room in the freshman dorm I am going to be the RA of and it's quite comfortable. All my stuff fit perfectly and it looks great as well. And I have found that the wind goes right through my window so I don't really need my fan right now. And I have a rather nice view of a sand volleyball court and an open area of grass with a grill. Better than i could have hoped for, I do love a good view. So training starts in two days and I'm just sitting around now wondering when I'll see people again and what to say. Haha funny what you think about when you don't have anything else to do.

Well I think I'll be getting back in the groove of blogging now that I'm back and there will be plenty of things to blog about, hopefully good things. So keep an eye out and check my page more frequently. And if you know someone who has gotten bored waiting for me to post again slap them and tell them to read. Don't actually hurt them just tell them I wanted to give them a love tap :-P

Until next time, Shadow out :-D