Who Am I?

So I just got the urge to blog about ... something. Usually when I blog it's because some emotion is running through my mind and I want to get it written down for you guys who care enough to read this. And this time is no different. I was actually thinking about why I blog, and how as well. I read some of my friends' blogs and they all seem to have some kind of writing style, some kind of purpose when writing. And yet here I am just rambling. Does my posting even mean anything? It's not particularly amusing, nor important, it's not even really a detailed description of what I do. I started to do this because I thought it would be nice to spread to some of my closest friends the innermost things I always think but never say, the things I hide and keep to myself. My first bunch of posts really were like that, deep and meaningful and they told things about me that I can almost guarantee none of you knew before you read this. But now, and recently before this, my posts don't really seem to have any point. I'm not providing a laugh, not addressing some controversial topic, not addressing any topic really, or even telling a story. I just open this up and ... type. Is this really interesting? Does it matter? Does anybody even care? Haha and to go even deeper to the real center of my thoughts, do I matter? Does anybody care? People always tell me they do and that I make a difference but i always find that hard to believe.

Everybody has a purpose, whether it's a divine fate or a destiny carved out by your own bloody hands. We all have one, and yet I can never seem to find mine. Or at least when i think i've found it I question it. Maybe my destiny is to question, to wander about hoping I'm doing the write thing and that what I do will really make the world a better place. I'm studying to e a Chemical Engineer, but what does that really mean? Is it really what I'm meant to do. I don't have some future goal or career mapped out like some people, I'm just wandering along hoping I'm on the right path and that it won't someday turn into a free fall. I've been asked before, jokingly, whether I'm really studying to be the right thing. That I'm so focused on helping people and that I'm so personable that I should be a doctor or something. Should I? Is that my purpose, or at least a better use of my time? It's kind of late now and I have no intention of backing down from the future I've chosen, but I always wonder. Would I have made a good doctor? Could I have made more of a difference?

It's not even just occupational things that make me wonder, it's life itself. I try to live my life for others, but is it really worth it? Am I even making that big a difference? Every situation or relationship I go into I always think about everything i do, Whether or not it will hurt them or make things worse for them, that is always in the top of my mind. I put myself second, it's just my nature. I'd like to think that doing that really does help, but does it really? I still seem unable to help those that matter. All i can really do in the end is watch them get hurt. I am only human and there is only so much I can do, but is that enough to make a difference in the lives around me? And if it isn't I do believe I am screwing myself in the process. Putting myself second is nice and dutiful and all that, but is it worth the pain? I have given up or let pass so many opportunities because of how it would affect others. I'm satisfied with the way things are and I have no regrets but i can never help but wonder how my life would be if I thought for myself a little more.

To quote a few things someone very close to me said, "You think about others too much, one of these days you're going to have to look after yourself." I suppose she is right. i always seem to get hurt, just because I don't look after myself. And some even see that deep into who I am themselves, without having to read my blog. Hahaha I try to look after others and do what I can for them and in the end I'm the one standing alone.

I feel kind of bad mentioning recent events here but it just kind of fits. I try to do what I can for someone and in the end I'm alone once more. I know that it happened for a good reason, even if I don't know all of it. I'm not bitter or angry about any of it but it still hurts. Even when you really try to look after someone they in the end try to look after you. Haha it's kind of a funny little cycle. When I try to look after someone who actually understands this side of me they try to take care of me in turn and they do that by forcing me to look after myself and my own life. Whomever you may be don't take these last few sentences too seriously, they don't make a lot of sense even to me. Most of my rants don't.

Well all in all I guess I really won't know my own purpose. I will continue the way I am and life life how I can. What happens happens and I will live my life. I will always hold on to those close to me, whatever it takes. That is one thing I refuse to change. Maybe that is my purpose? To be that thin layer of glue that holds everything together. Needed in some places more than others but always holding everything else together. Eventually it will break and things will go their own way, but i will hold on as long as I can. And glue can always be reapplied. I'm not going anywhere. My arms are always open for those close to me who have gone and come again, or those who have never known me. I'm always waiting, always holding on in a desperate attempt to make snes out of this thing we call life.

I may never find my true purpose, my calling, my destiny inscribed in the heavens at the beginning of time, but one thing is quite certain; I will always be me. Through thick and thin, blood and tears, love and loss. In the rain and in the sun, alone or with my friends, I will always be me ... whatever that means,

"And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world that we know disappear"

Until next time, Shadow out :-D