Dilemma

So I seem to have found a dilemma tonight, and it has to do with talking to people. As most of you probably know, I have the tendency to just talk out what I'm thinking to people. It helps clear my head and it's nice to sometimes find that I don't sound as crazy as I may think. Now recently I haven't talked to a lot of my friends, which sucks but we're all busy and it hasn't bothered me too much. Now tonight I had this random urge to talk to someone, and yet I couldn't figure out who I wanted to talk to. I tried to see if I could call one of my best friends who is used to this but she has to get up at 5:30 in the morning so that's a no go. (Btw don't feel bad because you couldn't talk, it's nothing urgent my mind was just wandering). Now the strange dilemma comes from the fact that the person I always seem to want to talk to is one of the people that it would just be dumb to talk to. Now to clarify what that load of garble means, I really wanted to talk to this particular girl but the stuff that is on my mind has to do with her. Most of the stuff that I think about when my mind wanders centers on that and one way to make it stop wandering would be to talk to her, but that would be dumb for several reasons; the fact that it's about her is kind of in the forefront and then there is the fact that she as well has clinicals in the morning as well as being busy all other times.

I really do hate having to think about whether or not it is a good thing to talk to someone. I wish things could just be simple, then again I'm sure everyone wishes for that. Is it so bad to just want to talk to someone you feel close to? Well when it could be interpreted as being overly clingy and pestering someone who has no interest in you then I'd say that could be a yes. I want to get closer to her, which long random talks would help with, and yet by attempting to do so I could actually do the opposite. Kind strange don't you think? I could do the exact same thing with the afore mentioned friend and there would be nothing strange about it, it would most likely be appreciated. But I can't do the same with this one, which is a rather large pain in my toosh. I want to call so bad, and thinking about whether or not I want to call makes me want to call her even more, and then I think about how the conversation might go and how great it will be to hear her voice and I get even more excited ... and then I put down the phone having convinced myself that since I had texted her the day before it might be annoying for her to hear from me again for no real reason. Do I need a reason to call? My mind says yes but my heart says no, but of course I hold myself back for fear of worsening an already rather confusing and precarious situation.

The real funny part is that I don't even know what the situation is. I mean in one way it's an obvious bad thing and yet other actions hint that it's something else entirely. I just wish I could figure out what it was so that I can just pick up the phone and dial a damn number, is that too much to ask for? Can't really ask because that would defeat the purpose, can't ask others because that would once again defeat the purpose, and I can't just pick an option for the situation because I would either be erasing any hope I once had or condemning myself so to a completely rocky relationship. So the knife game it is, I'll walk along this razor edge as long as I have to. Although I really do wish calling someone could just be a simple matter, maybe I'll make it one and just call. Not now of course ... it is rather late. Anywho, I need sleep so buh-byes!

Until next time, Shadow out :-D