Well it's been a week or so since I last blogged, and that not a very happy one. But then again isn't that why I started this? For me this is more about screaming out the things I don't normally talk about into a computer instead of just yelling at myself. And I suppose that's the real reason for my restlessness.
This restlessness isn't just a restless body trying to keep moving, it's a restless mind that won't shut up and stop over analyzing. Now that i really think about it, that is a very defining trait for me. I may seem reckless and incautious, but I'm really quite the opposite. I always consider the effects of what I do and say. Perhaps that is why i am always so hesitant when it comes to important things. Hell I do that with unimportant. I try and please everyone, when that is in no way possible. I don't know why I do it, and trust me I've tried not doing it. But no matter what I do I end up sitting up in the middle of the night considering pointless things. Most of the time my mental arguments with myself consist of me yelling at myself for being stupid. For feeling this or thinking that. There are some things I refuse to think and refuse to be. I suppose I'll mention one of them.
Jealousy, I hate it. It means I'm afraid of losing something or afraid of never getting it. It's something people feel all the time but I hate it. All it can do is cause more problems. If I'm jealous of an item then what? I can hate someone for having what I can't, do something to get it. Neither really sound like much fun. So I berate myself and get over it. Items are cool and all but that's not my issue with jealousy. My biggest fear is losing those close to me. I would do anything for any of them and I hope they know that. Jealousy is really the realization of those fears. I fear losing those that are close to me or losing the chance to get closer to those I truly care about. I can't count how many times I've been jealous of someone for the attentions of some girl, even after I know it means nothing and it's stupid. Even now when I have a girlfriend, it still happens. I hope nobody reading this takes that in the wrong way. My jealousy is not possessiveness, it's the fear of loss that haunts my every decision and action being realized. I would do whatever I must to ensure that those near me stay that way. But this jealousy is stupid. It means nothing and has no reason to be there. And yet here I sit, wide awake when i should be tired and sleeping. I'll listen to some music, stare out my window, argue with myself and eventually force myself to sleep. But why must this always occur? Why can't my heart just listen to my mind and stop worrying? When I find the answer to that perhaps I'll sleep like a normal person.
I wish I could let go of stupid thoughts, and hopefully blogging them will help them stay away. Worse comes to worse I'll just call those closest to me and have them tell me how stupid I'm being as well. That's what friends are for right?
Well goodnight and enjoy sleeping. It's a luxury that so often eludes me.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
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