I'm Done

I’m done with trying so hard to hold onto something that tries so hard to just get away. I’m done holding back all these feelings that are killing me and making me lose sleep. I’m done hiding a broken heart and making excuses for someone who only seems to want to ignore me. I’m done caring, I’m done holding on. Can you tell that I’ve finally snapped? The anger is out; all the pain and sorrow that I’ve kept cooped up and off these pages are finally in the clear. I’m done trying to protect people’s feelings and look out for their well being rather than my own. If this pertains to you you should know it, and unless you don’t want to hear the blunt truth I suggest you close this window right now. This will be my first and only rant about this. I need to vent and talking just doesn’t seem to cut it, and writing it down where no one can see won’t help. I need people to know, I need people to realize how fed up I am with the way the world seems to work and how stupid peoples’ ideas are so much of the time.

I really do hate how all of this turned out. I’m of course talking about the breakup that happened over the summer. I know that shit happens and that things don’t work out, that has never been the issue. I’m not conceited and self centered enough to really thing that I deserved for things to go well, as they never seem to do. What I had thought I deserved was the truth. I hate people who feel the need to hide things or lie. There is absolutely no point in avoiding the inevitable. No it doesn’t make things easier on me, no it doesn’t make it easier to get over you, and it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel any better. I am done trying to hold on to our friendship, what little relationship we may have had left. I’m done looking out for you like you seem to hate so much. Congratulations, you’ve finally gotten your wish. I’m finally going to look after myself. For the first time in my life I’m willing to let someone walk away and do nothing about it. I’ve tried to talk, I’ve tried to reason, and I’ve tried to hold to some rationale that I shouldn’t hate you. But I really just don’t care anymore.

All I wanted was for my pain to be acknowledged, for you to tell me all of why you did what you did. I am sick and tired of people thinking that I can’t handle the truth. If you do something or have something to say then SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE!!!! If you want me to know what’s going on then call me up and give me a clue. I am not a baby, and for all your complaints that I worry about you too much you seem to enjoy attempting to coddle me. Those I heard the story from seem to think that you did all of this for my benefit, that it would somehow make it easier for me to move on, that it would be easier to handle the situation, that I would be better off being told you were too busy and then find out you have a boyfriend. I hoped that you at least cared enough to give me the truth, to tell me to my face why I’m being turned on once again.

I’ll admit it; you broke my heart, just like you always feared you would. Just because you broke it didn’t mean that you had to toss a little salt on my bleeding heart. It really hurts to know that you preferred to ignore me rather than face me and tell me what was going on. I don’t hate you for breaking up with me; I never did and never will. Life does what it wants and there is nothing I can do to change that. I would have moved on perfectly fine, am moving on perfectly fine. I just hate the fact that I didn’t merit an explanation, that I wasn’t worth one email of truth. As angry as this post sounds, I don’t hate you. Maybe I should, but I really don’t. At this point I’m just fed up with the way things have been handled. I have tried to be patient and give you time to decide what you wanted to tell me, but in the end you chose nothing. You chose to ignore me and let me wriggle in agony having no idea what was going on. I’m done, I do miss having you as a friend but I’m done trying to hold onto something you seem so bent on ignoring. I will always be here, but I’m done reaching out to people who just don’t care. If you call I will talk to you just like I always have, you are still my friend. But it’s all up to you now, your choice if we shall ever really be friends again. It takes up too much energy that I don’t have to devote to you anymore. For the first time in my life I am letting go completely and leaving everything up to you.

... Shadow out

Who Are You?

So I was thinking, as i always tend to do, and I'm kind of wondering who actually reads this. I know of a few people, it says they're following this, and then there are the others who comment on what I write. Then you have all these mystery people who know about it but I wonder if they check it at all. Some of my residents have heard I do and may have passed the word, other friends may have heard about it from other friends, and of course there are those who I know used to read this and now I am a little out of touch with. I hesitate to say a lot of things because i really don't know who will read them, and sometimes I wonder if I should just say "fuck it" and post it anyway. I don't of course, that would have way too big a chance to hurt people or push them away. So instead I sit here and wonder what will be safe to say. As open as I am in this blog about aspects of my life there are aspects I almost completely avoid. Some wounds really don't need the added salt.

So maybe I'll post a challenge to those of you reading this, send me a fbook msg, text, or some comment on this post. You can say something only i would attribute to you or just put your name. You can stay anonymous if you wish, but it might make this easier and more enjoyable for those reading if I know who actually cares enough to check on this frequently. So feel free to give me a shout out, or not, it's really up to you. But I am curious as to who reads this and look forward to at least finding out a few names. And if you know others who would find this intriguing then pass on the URL, I'm really not all that secretive. I am kind of self-conscious about it though and feel kind of self-centered telling people they should read, especially people who don't know me that well. But that is essentially the point of this blog, to shine a light into the shadows of who I am. So pass it on, share the love, I've got plenty to give. And if you're ever in the neighborhood and want what is now called a "Ty Hug" (they're quite the commodity ... who knew) please drop by. Most of you I probably haven't seen or talked to in awhile and I would love to get my arms around you. So stop on by, My arms are always open...

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Track

So I've actually been meaning to write about track for awhile now, I mean it's such a huge part of my life I should get around to it eventually right? Now everyone who knows even the smallest bit about me knows that I love track; that 2 hours a day 5 days a week I kill myself by running and lifting my ass off. But does anybody really know why? I mean some of you do I suppose, I have mentioned it before. It's actually kind of hard to explain. I mean it is probably one of the biggest time commitments and definitely the biggest commitment of energy. And yet going to practice is the highlight of my day. Despite the fact that a lot of times I get back to my room and can barely walk and the fact that when I'm working out I know I have tons of stuff to do. And yet I love it, more than anything probably (no offense guys)

So why do I love track so much? Well for starters, it's probably the one thing in my life I can truly be happy about. I run the 400 and the 400 hurdles, two of the toughest events in track and field, and I not only survive but i excel. People respect me for that and I'll admit it does feel good to see people's faces and hear their praise when I run. It's the one thing that I really can call my own, that none of my friends can really match. And going off the toughness of the events i do, it makes me feel strong. I mean honestly, I'm a skinny runt, and yet in my events it doesn't matter. I have the speed and the endurance to outrun those I run against. I don't really feel strong or superior than anybody all that often, so it's nice to have that one thing where I can actually say "bring it."

Now that I've gotten out the literal explanations it's time for the more insightful ones. Track really defines who I am. Track may seem like an individual sport, but it really is all about the team. Everything i do, very race I run is not for me, it's for the team. I like to believe that is why I am able to push myself so much and do so well. People need me, they need me to do well; so i do. The 4x400 meter relay is one of the most exhausting races, and it's also the last event. So basically everyone that runs it has already run several races, me included. I don't think I've ever really ran a 4x4 completely fresh. I'm always exhausted and I never quit. I have thrown up, wobbled to the line, gasped for breathe, couldn't feel my legs and many other things right before the 4x4, an I have always run it. I have always lead the 4x4 at the schools I run at. It's just the way it's always turned out. When I'm the fastest we have I can't give in, you kidding me? No matter how much pain I'm in or how shitty I feel will run, always. My team means way to much to me for me to ever do that. If they need me then I will run, end of story. It's nice to be needed, and nice to know that you can actually help. I love helping people, but a lot of times I can do nothing or they just plain won't let me. With track it doesn't matter. I can always help and the difference between me helping or failing is all dependent on what I give to it, and I always give it my all.

And then there is the "depressing" explanation, which I'm sure some of you will scold me for. Track is and always be the one thing in my life that has always been there for me, it is my anchor to sanity. No matter how much family or friends care they have their own lives to live. Track is always there, ready to comfort or to just let me run my feelings out. I can't really stay upset when running. When I put my spikes on and take off nothing really matters anymore. It's a comforting feeling to have something that you know will always respond to your efforts, that will always be there waiting. Track has never abandoned me, left me alone, or ignored me. It has never walked away because things are too tough or because it can't handle how I feel. It is the one consistent thing in my life; the one thing that I know will basorb every ounce of blood sweat and tears I put into it and give me results. Honestly track is my life, in more ways than one.

So a slightly funny story about what track means to me and what people expect of me. I was talking with a friend of mine about how stressed I was and how I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do that well in the conference meet. When I told her what I needed to do, what everyone expected me to do she just assumed I would do it. No doubts, no questioning. She said, "You know you'll do it, you always do. You love track and won't let yourself do bad." I found it amusing that she had such unquestioning faith that I could do it. And yet it assured me at the same time. I mean she was right, no matter how worried I may get, I'll always do what I need to. Not because I can but because the team needs me to. And on another occasion with the same person, I was talking about choosing between the 400 and the 400 hurdles. Now the hurdles are a hell of a lot harder but I could do better in the 400 sooner. When I wondered which I should choose she automatically said, "You know you're going to choose hurdles." Now why in the hell would I choose the harder of the two and the one that would take a lot more work to be Conference champion? And yet I realized she was right, I would stick with hurdles. It's harder and hurts like hell, but it's just one of those things I will always stand by. I love it, for no apparent reason but I do, haha and she always noticed those little things about me. Always trusting and always realizing things when I refused to do it myself.

Anyway, there you go. Track is my life and always will be. People will come and go, jobs will as well, and life will always rock back and forth; but track will always be steady and I will always be a runner. Even when my legs are too weak to run on I will always think of the feel of track beneath my feet and the wind in my face. I will even fondly remember the pure exhaustion after practice, the kind where you can barely stand. Haha the good old days I'll probably call them.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

First Impressions

I have realized recently how much I take advantage of the impressions people already have of me. I am a very exuberant person, most of you reading this should know that by now. I have realized that I really do not know how to control first impressions. As you know, I am an RA this year. Giving off first impression is a very important thing, but am I giving off a good impression? What do they think of me after knowing me for 3 weeks. I continue to make impressions on them. Recently I have realized that I am giving off a very strange vibe of myself. I have seemed very showy and full of myself. I like attention, that's a given, and I like to talk, another given. It just so happens that i combine those two in a way that could give off the wrong impression. I act that way all the time around my good friends, but that doesn't matter. They all know who I am and what I'm like, they know that I don't exactly have what you call high self esteem. So I make up for it with hyeprness. Around them it is perfectly fine, but around people who don't know me that well? ... who knows.

I guess I'm saying this because I'm afraid that maybe some of the residents this year think I take myself way too seriously. I guess I have show-boated ( no idea how that is supposed to be spelled) a bit more than usual recently, and some of the "joking" comments they make I worry aren't actually jokes. I'm talking with some of my residents and they mentioned that I went down to the third floor to show off. It sounded like a joke but do they really think that? I mean my friends from Tyler will laugh at this story because it is very Tyish. But I went downstairs without a shirt to talk to Julie about something. I always go around without a shirt, I like my body sure but i don't typically try to flaunt it (my abs don't count). But I guess to the residents it may seem like I'm showing off. I also seem to "brag" a lot. It's all in good fun of course but I must seem sooooooo full of myself. Once again, all my friends know I do this, but the new residents do not ... my bad.

Actually now that I think of it, some of the residents may even be reading this. I let slip I had a blog and of course I had to tell them what it was. So they read a post or two perhaps but if they actually bother to check up on it they may be reading this. Perhaps that's a good thing, then they'll know that I'm not as big a douchebag as I seem. Woohoo :-D This and the fact that I'm going to try and tone it down a bit ... if I can. Or at least stay on my own floor for awhile. My old habit of hanging on the girls floor is returning ... man I miss you guys. Idk maybe I'm trying to find some new people to hang out to make it feel more like last year. But they're residents and not people I can freely mooch off of. So we shall see how the year goes, and maybe I'll learn to act like an RA for once instead of the creeper I'm know, and apparently loved, as.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D