So it's been awhile since I last posted. I've been pretty busy lately, lots of ups and downs, so it's been hard to really sit down and pour my thoughts out. Haha now that I'm here I realize once again how difficult it really is to just write what I'm thinking. I know people who read this and of course I hate spreading stories and such that could be taken badly so I will refrain from telling them. I suppose it is about time for another life evaluation, haven't done that in awhile. With everything that has happened recently I've been thinking once more about my personality and how I've chosen to live my life. I really don't regret it but I guess you can just say that I'm tired. Tired of trying so hard to make things work until that fatal moment when I realize it was all for naught. I'm just so sick and tired of pouring so much of myself into everything I do even when I know it's a futile effort. I mean it's who I am and I love it but it also sucks.
You have no idea how many times I've heard "You'll find the perfect girl." But honestly, if every person I talk to says that how am I ever going to find her? And what is it with my obsession with attempting to find someone to date? If I date someone I want to make sure I know her and that it will really work, I won't date just for the sake of dating. Therefore I pour tons of time and energy into trying to get close to someone until they decide to reject me. Sounds depressing but that's just the way it is. I always seem to end up with another close friend that I can talk to about anything, but as great as it is to have so many great friends I wish I was able to make that jump to something more. However close I get to someone I always know that somewhere along the line there will always be someone closer to her than me, and it really does break my heart. Some part of me seems to need that one person I can honestly just pour my soul out to and not be rejected because of it. I'm honest and caring, probably too much so, and it gets me nowhere. It's rough but i won't change. I'm sick of saying it, but when the day comes and I fond someone who is willing to let me close and won't up and leave me I'm going to be the happiest guy you will ever meet. I know that day is a long day off and perhaps always will be, but that won't stop me from trying. I'll survive all the heartbreaks because of all those close friends/past failures and of course because of track.
Despite all this emotional crap I seem to wrap myself in I am really coming into my own in track. I ran a 48.9 split in the 4x400m and coach has high hopes for me in the 400 hurdles. The school record and the national qualifying mark are both around 53.8 and that is a doable time for me. So much pressure and so much excitement, enough that I can just immerse myself in it once more and be just fine. Things kind of suck right now but hopefully it'll turn out for the best in the end. I hate having to pull away from people, however necessary, and it's only going to make me miss her more but by the end of it I should have my mind back in friendly Ty mode and will stop assuming people feel something they don't. Well I think that's enough moping for now.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Here We Go
So the outdoor track season is finally here, and along with it all of the expectations and hope I get every year. As much fun as running 400s are my real event is the 400 hurdles. I may be in the top group in the 400 but with the hurdles I'm even more so and I even have a chance of qualifying for nationals. I realized that my best time from last year (55.45) was less than 2 seconds from the school record and about the same amount of time form the provisional qualifying time for nationals. So it seems that my goals this year consist of placing well at conferences, breaking a school record, and qualifying for nationals. If I got any one of those things I would be ecstatic so we shall see how the season goes. Along with the outdoor season comes a severe lack of weekends. I have one free weekend from now until April 26, and I'm already trying to make plans for the one free weekend I have. So it's going to be one busy season but let's hope it pays off in the end :-)
So until next time, Shadow out :-D
So until next time, Shadow out :-D
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pressure
Why is it that life must be full of so many pressures; do good at school, make lots of friends, be happy, succeed yadda yadda yadda. It seems that no matter where I turn there's some new pressure that I must deal with. I understand that's life and that we wouldn't ever get anywhere if there weren't things challenging us and forcing us to become more than we are, but sometimes I wish I could just sleep and rest. I wish I could just for one day put everything behind me and just live for the sake of living. I'm so tired, and I know many others that share the sentiment. ... Now that that is off my chest :-) I actually wish more for others that they could get a day of rest, I know plenty of people that have it worse than I do; people that are excited when they get 4 or 5 hours of sleep :-\ and constantly have work that needs to be done. Wouldn't it be great if there was a snow day from life. Hahaha just one day where we could all just hang out and do nothing, just one day would be nice.
Now besides all the complaints I seem to have about pressures and the things that tire me out in life, I actually appreciate everything that pushes me day in and day out. I mean they're what make me who I am. Who would I be if my mom didn't scold me day in and day out to better in school? Would I be going to one of the best schools of engineering in the country? Probably not. You can't forget the biggest pressure in my life ... track. The center and love of my life as well as the bane of my existence. You have no idea how many times I have stayed up in the middle of the night unable to sleep because a big meet was on the horizon. It's so great that I've found something I love that I happen to be quite good at, but with great power comes great responsibility (cheesy I know) and with those abilities come the expectant eyes and the almost demanding look that I win every event I'm in. People don't do it on purpose, I mean it's mostly my own mentality. When people expect something of me, however unreasonable, I push myself not to let them down. With that in mind perhaps track wasn't the best life choice, I mean there are a lot of good runners out there and my body can only take so much. Yet despite that every time my coach looked at me in high school and told me I could win the race ... I believed him. I think it was his trust in me that really gave me the trust I now have in myself. I know that sounds very cheesy and all that but it's also true. I wasn't exactly confidant in myself in high school and track really helped shape me into who I am today.
I look back quite fondly on my high school track and field days. It's comforting to think about every time my coach told me that the entire meet was resting on the 4x4 (the last event of the meet that I always ran in) he had absolute confidence that the meet would be won. And every time the meet came down to the 4x4 the race came down to me ... the anchor. In high school I ran 4 races every single meet and finished the day with the 4x4. The 4x4 is a grueling race, the 400 itself is one of the toughest races to run but throw in the fact that it's the last event and you're tired, that the entire meet rests on the shoulders of you and your teammates. They would always look to me and every single time their game plan would be to keep the race close, keep it close enough so that when I got the baton I would be right up with the leaders and then it would be over. They somehow had enough confidence in me to assume that I would finish the race and win it for them ... every single time. And the exciting part is, I usually did. With the entire teams hopes on my shoulders how could I not? They needed me to win ... so I did, end of story. By this point I don't really have a problem with shouldering that responsibility, I've realized finally that perhaps their faith isn't as misplaced as I thought. I run track for a reason, it's what I was born to do. Thanks to my high school coach and track team I believe in myself a hell of a lot more, and for that I am quite glad :-)
Now what brought all of this to the forefront of my mind? That would be the conference meet I have in two days ... two days, wow that's close. I'm running 3 different races and I could be in a total of 5 races throughout the entire two days of the meet. That's a lot of pressure for one meet, especially since my coach is expecting me to score in all of them. In case you didn't know scoring means getting in the top 6 or 8 of an event. So I'm supposed to run 3 races and get in the top 6 of all of them? Hell yeah, I'm ready. My foot hurts, my knee is sore, and my ankle was twinging yesterday but none of that really matters. I will run and I will do whatever coach asks of me, the team needs me and I won't let them down.
"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality."
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Now besides all the complaints I seem to have about pressures and the things that tire me out in life, I actually appreciate everything that pushes me day in and day out. I mean they're what make me who I am. Who would I be if my mom didn't scold me day in and day out to better in school? Would I be going to one of the best schools of engineering in the country? Probably not. You can't forget the biggest pressure in my life ... track. The center and love of my life as well as the bane of my existence. You have no idea how many times I have stayed up in the middle of the night unable to sleep because a big meet was on the horizon. It's so great that I've found something I love that I happen to be quite good at, but with great power comes great responsibility (cheesy I know) and with those abilities come the expectant eyes and the almost demanding look that I win every event I'm in. People don't do it on purpose, I mean it's mostly my own mentality. When people expect something of me, however unreasonable, I push myself not to let them down. With that in mind perhaps track wasn't the best life choice, I mean there are a lot of good runners out there and my body can only take so much. Yet despite that every time my coach looked at me in high school and told me I could win the race ... I believed him. I think it was his trust in me that really gave me the trust I now have in myself. I know that sounds very cheesy and all that but it's also true. I wasn't exactly confidant in myself in high school and track really helped shape me into who I am today.
I look back quite fondly on my high school track and field days. It's comforting to think about every time my coach told me that the entire meet was resting on the 4x4 (the last event of the meet that I always ran in) he had absolute confidence that the meet would be won. And every time the meet came down to the 4x4 the race came down to me ... the anchor. In high school I ran 4 races every single meet and finished the day with the 4x4. The 4x4 is a grueling race, the 400 itself is one of the toughest races to run but throw in the fact that it's the last event and you're tired, that the entire meet rests on the shoulders of you and your teammates. They would always look to me and every single time their game plan would be to keep the race close, keep it close enough so that when I got the baton I would be right up with the leaders and then it would be over. They somehow had enough confidence in me to assume that I would finish the race and win it for them ... every single time. And the exciting part is, I usually did. With the entire teams hopes on my shoulders how could I not? They needed me to win ... so I did, end of story. By this point I don't really have a problem with shouldering that responsibility, I've realized finally that perhaps their faith isn't as misplaced as I thought. I run track for a reason, it's what I was born to do. Thanks to my high school coach and track team I believe in myself a hell of a lot more, and for that I am quite glad :-)
Now what brought all of this to the forefront of my mind? That would be the conference meet I have in two days ... two days, wow that's close. I'm running 3 different races and I could be in a total of 5 races throughout the entire two days of the meet. That's a lot of pressure for one meet, especially since my coach is expecting me to score in all of them. In case you didn't know scoring means getting in the top 6 or 8 of an event. So I'm supposed to run 3 races and get in the top 6 of all of them? Hell yeah, I'm ready. My foot hurts, my knee is sore, and my ankle was twinging yesterday but none of that really matters. I will run and I will do whatever coach asks of me, the team needs me and I won't let them down.
"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality."
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
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