Tired...

So it's been awhile since I last posted. I've been pretty busy lately, lots of ups and downs, so it's been hard to really sit down and pour my thoughts out. Haha now that I'm here I realize once again how difficult it really is to just write what I'm thinking. I know people who read this and of course I hate spreading stories and such that could be taken badly so I will refrain from telling them. I suppose it is about time for another life evaluation, haven't done that in awhile. With everything that has happened recently I've been thinking once more about my personality and how I've chosen to live my life. I really don't regret it but I guess you can just say that I'm tired. Tired of trying so hard to make things work until that fatal moment when I realize it was all for naught. I'm just so sick and tired of pouring so much of myself into everything I do even when I know it's a futile effort. I mean it's who I am and I love it but it also sucks.

You have no idea how many times I've heard "You'll find the perfect girl." But honestly, if every person I talk to says that how am I ever going to find her? And what is it with my obsession with attempting to find someone to date? If I date someone I want to make sure I know her and that it will really work, I won't date just for the sake of dating. Therefore I pour tons of time and energy into trying to get close to someone until they decide to reject me. Sounds depressing but that's just the way it is. I always seem to end up with another close friend that I can talk to about anything, but as great as it is to have so many great friends I wish I was able to make that jump to something more. However close I get to someone I always know that somewhere along the line there will always be someone closer to her than me, and it really does break my heart. Some part of me seems to need that one person I can honestly just pour my soul out to and not be rejected because of it. I'm honest and caring, probably too much so, and it gets me nowhere. It's rough but i won't change. I'm sick of saying it, but when the day comes and I fond someone who is willing to let me close and won't up and leave me I'm going to be the happiest guy you will ever meet. I know that day is a long day off and perhaps always will be, but that won't stop me from trying. I'll survive all the heartbreaks because of all those close friends/past failures and of course because of track.

Despite all this emotional crap I seem to wrap myself in I am really coming into my own in track. I ran a 48.9 split in the 4x400m and coach has high hopes for me in the 400 hurdles. The school record and the national qualifying mark are both around 53.8 and that is a doable time for me. So much pressure and so much excitement, enough that I can just immerse myself in it once more and be just fine. Things kind of suck right now but hopefully it'll turn out for the best in the end. I hate having to pull away from people, however necessary, and it's only going to make me miss her more but by the end of it I should have my mind back in friendly Ty mode and will stop assuming people feel something they don't. Well I think that's enough moping for now.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D