I'm tired of being alone, whether that means failing to truly foster a close enough relationship with anyone in particular or just feeling alone even when surrounded by friends. These aren't really new feelings, quite the contrary, but I seem to be feeling these things more often as time goes on. Why is it that the closer I get to people the more keenly I feel the gap in our relationship? I have awesome friends at school whom I've gotten close to and miss quite often while home. When I am home I have one of the best groups of friends you could have. We decided this summer to hang out with each other as much as possible, and even though I'm involved with work (or the ride there) for 10 hrs a day I still manage to see them 4 or 5 days a week. We play soccer 2 days a week, volleyball usually another day and a barbecue or cowboy karaoke night on Fridays. I love it, I really do, and I feel so much closer to all of them. I wouldn't have it any other way and yet by getting to know them better I am starting to see and feel gaps I would much rather ignore. There have been fun developments between various people with crushes and people possibly starting to date soon and even a crush of my own. The closer I feel, the larger the gap I seem to find.

I always feel loved and a part of the group, and yet there is always this feeling of being ... different and apart somehow. I'm aware this is mostly in my head, but sometimes I wonder how seriously people take me. I'm always labeled the crazy, awkward flirt which isn't really a bad thing. I mean I am crazy, awkward and I do flirt a lot but it's always hard when I wonder if my closest friends take me seriously. It's been really hard when I've fallen for one of the girls in the group. It's also even harder when she doesn't ever seem to be interested in dating in well ... anyone really, and one of her closest friends is telling me it's a bad thing I've fallen for her. I realize I can't do anything about it but I can't just up and drop how I feel (all of you should know that). So I've really limited myself to just possibly trying to talk to her a little more, through texting and such. Problem is, she doesn't seem all that interested in responding. She did respond and it looked like we were going to talk about some stuff that was more than just casual conversation but then she just stopped responding. It's happened a few times, so maybe it's more than just her phone acting up. I really like her and all but there is nothing I can do about it, and I suppose this is the main reason for my feelings of being alone and apart from everyone. No matter what I do or try I'm just the flirty friend, I guess. Maybe that's not how they view me but it's the only reason I seem to be able to think of for this huge gap I don't seem to be able to bypass.

I feel alone, and once again have no idea why. It's normal so nothing to worry about, but I wish I could just manage to get close to someone. I really just want to bridge this gap and feel like I'm more than just "that friend."

Until next time, Shadow out :-D