To the Future

So I'm writing this post now part because I want to write about recent stuff and part because I was told I should post. So here I am sitting in my bed at 1:30 in the morning with a smile that never seems to go away these days. I'm ... happy. Not like ok, not like somewhat good or a little better. I mean that I feel better than I have in awhile. Sure I've felt this way before but it's different. Before there is always some dread or fear creeping in, some thoughts that are poisoning an otherwise very happy mind. I seriously can't think of anything to be worried about. Classes are classes and track is track, but I actually have something to look forward to.

I can't really explain what's going through my mind because honestly, even I don't understand it. I'm still reeling from the impossibility of it all. On top of that I'm not even worried about mentioning it here. I'm pretty sure that most everyone knows how I feel at this point, especially her. Do I know where it's going? No not really. Do I really care? Not really (ok that's a lie but you know what I mean). It doesn't matter where it's going because we'll figure it out, one way or another. All I know is that in the matter of two ridiculous weeks I've most certainly found a great friend, but also .. more.

So this post is really just a toast to life and the future. I'm never really the most optimistic person so I might as well take advantage of it while the feeling lasts. To a future that is a mystery and yet has me looking forward for once with hopeful eyes not shaded by what I'm afraid will happen. Haha a toast to Bunnies and Rainbows.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

So Restless

So it's happening again, the restlessness. It's been awhile, perhaps because I've been surrounded by friends and work all summer but now that I'm back at school it's different. Sure I have friends all over the place but everyone has their own plans and their own work to do. Somehow I don't have that much to do which is nice but scares me all at once. I need a lot to do or I won't concentrate. It's almost as though I have ADD until I'm so busy that my body adjusts and just takes over, getting everything done on less sleep, more strain and longer practices. I function best when I'm pushed to my limits. It's strange but I love it. It's almost as if my body automatically knows when I need to be at my best and just goes into overdrive. It happens with track too, now that I think about it. I do ok in practices but not nearly as well in meets. Perchance it's the atmosphere or the pressure of wanting/needing to win but my legs just don't die, until the meet is over at least. I find myself pushing myself and going faster than ever before just when I need to. The same thing happens with work (job, tests, HW, etc.)

I guess it's not just that there's nothing to do that's got me restless but also the fact that I just can't do anything about certain situations. I have found my self in the oh so common bind of having to watch what I say on here, but I just seem to be unable to take steps i the direction I want to. Most of it has to do with my principles and not wanting to hurt friends, even if it would get me what I seem to need so badly. I always do that, complain about what I want but don't have and yet when I'm given opportunities to remedy that I'm unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary. Doing so would change who I am, which is perhaps what I need to do to fix things, but that would be against the point so I won't. Ugh I'm starting to feel the need to run or something, either that or read, or play video games, or maybe I should give doing work another shot. We shall see.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D