Wish I Were There

Being on the opposite side of campus really makes me feel kind of alone. I mean I know I have friends on this side of campus and all but i feel like I'm missing out on so much when the people I really wish I could see are 20 min away. Not only do I miss seeing them but I feel like I'm not able to fulfill my duty as a friend to them. I talk to them of course, but not as much as I would normally would. And one of the biggest things that has been killing me lately is that I can't be there for them. I know life gets rough for a lot of people, and it is always easier with a shoulder you know you can lie on an cry if necessary. I really do know how hard it is to find a person you really don't mind completely crashing in front of and have always made myself available in that sense. And I know that currently a couple of my friends are having a rough time and and all I can do is say I sympathize, and what bullshit is that? I am a very "in person" kind of person. I need to be near people to express my feelings and really be there for them. It's one thing to say "I'm sorry you're upset" and a complete other to just open your arms and have them fall into them. I miss being able to do that, I miss being able to just sit there and let them know that they're not alone, that I'll always be nearby when they need me ... and yet I'm not. I'm across campus wishing I could help when all I can to is sit and hope they're ok.

I hate this, I really do. I hate wondering what my best friends are up to and not being able to find out. I thought before the year started that I would at least have a little free time to visit and catch up but I really don't. I've bitten off a lot this year and I'm surviving, but at what cost? I know I have an incredible faith in my friendships but I still worry. Will they still want me there? Will I still be that person to turn to? Or will I just be an old friend who they used to talk to a lot? It's not my intention to pull away or to never visit, but I just can't. As much as I want to my life just won't allow it, and it really is killing me. I'll survive as always but i wish for once I wouldn't have to. I wish that for once I could just live my life the way I want, unstressed and with those I love. But as always my choices keep that from happening. I'll just keep going and do what I can, even if it doesn't seem like enough.

So hold on guys, I'm still here ... just a little distant. Talking isn't as great as being there but I'll do what I can, you know I'm always there if you need me. And if you really need me don't doubt that I'll run across campus, what good is all this track running if I can't put it to good use?

If you ever find yourself upset or ready to cry just remember:

If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine...

Until next time, Shadow out :-D