Opportunities, bleh. That word holds so much hope and yet so much dread, at least for me it does. The word opportunity gives hope for the future and what could be. I see opportunities every day, whether it's to talk to a cute girl, take a good job, get to know a friend or to just do something I love. I live my life looking for opportunities and enjoy it when I find them. The dreaded aspect of the word comes from all my missed opportunities. Thinks I could have done or should have done and didn't. I am a very introspective person and evaluating all my decisions comes with the territory. Thinking about what I said and what I did drives me nuts but it has also helped me understand myself a lot better than I think most people understand themselves. The topic on my mind is, no surprise here, girls. There have been a lot of stuff going on in the last few weeks that you can excuse my constant abuse of the subject. Even though the situation has not been ideal I think I am slowly starting to understand my mind and why I do things the way I do, and why I'm an idiot.
So long story short I thought I had a girl (was close at least) but I was wrong (it happens) and now she has a boyfriend (yikes). Now usually I freak out (did that) and hold onto my feelings for a long time, but somehow this time i didn't. I remember my last situation which ended like this and trust me, it wasn't nearly as pretty. Perhaps it's the fact that I actually have closure, that the girl was honest with me and actually told me what was going on (go figure). Even though she has a boyfriend now we are still going to be good friends and I can see that they are good for each other. She's happy, she's not being stupid with me, I know what's going on ... so I moved on? I really have no idea how it works but my feelings are kinda sorta gone. I mean not totally of course, I'm not a cold-hearted bastard, but they aren't at the level they were before. I still feel slight pangs or whatever but more for, here we go, lost opportunities than for any other reason. On top of thinking about lost opportunities with her I have been noticing other lost opportunities. There are always great girls who like me and I never notice. I complain so much about things not working out for me when all I have to do is open my eyes and close my mouth. How is some girl going to feel comfortable telling me how she feels when every other word out of my mouth is about another girl? The correct answer is that she won't, and so she'll never tell me and when I realize how big an idiot and a douche I am I get to add a few more lost opportunities to the pile.
So of course I've been thinking (not usually a good idea) and I think I've cracked away a bit more of how my heart and brain like to work. Bottom line is, I like the feeling of liking someone. Call me a flirt, a pimp, a player, an asshole or just a lovesick puppy dog, it really doesn't matter. To me love and relationships are one thing in my life that are different. They give me excitement to look forward to beyond the monotony of everyday life. It's something you always have to work at, good or bad, and it's a lovely break form the norm. Now with me this causes me to have a list of what I call "possibles." I haven't really told all that many people about this concept and the names truly are secret, mainly because even I don't really know who they are. It's not a list really, more a feeling that I have for certain girls. There are girls I would date and then there are girls I can actually see myself dating. I mean I would date Heidi Klum, but seriously? There are girls I think are gorgeous and great but know it will never happen. Then there are the others, girls I think are gorgeous, fun to be with, and actually have a shot with. Now "actually have a shot with" is loosely defined as "it could happen in this universe," not like I'm assuming anything. Anyway, there are a lot of girls, mostly people I am or have become close friends with, that there are possible feelings with. I am very good at not falling for someone if there is a good reason not to (say she has a boyfriend or that she is quite literally one of my best friends), but when said girl might show possible interest then those feelings appear quite easily. They're not fake, and it's not like I'm waiting for approval to have these feelings, it's just that my relationships with people aren't static. People always comment that I don't give people a chance to show me how they feel, all I'm trying to say is "try me." You never know how someone can truly feel until you let them know in some way. Oddly enough, this is kind of what happened with the earlier mentioned girl. She didn't really realize she liked this guy until he told her he liked her. I mean that's not perfectly true but it's close. She started dating him after that. Just like that her eyes opened to what she didn't realize she could feel.
Relationships will never happen if you never give them the chance. If you like someone and are afraid they don't like you "in that way" then try them. Show them an inkling of how you feel and see what happens. If they don't then what's the difference than before? People always balk at taking chances and say they're afraid what will happen if they don't feel the same. I'll let you in on a little secret idea that helps me through things like this. You're always so afraid and think of what will happen if they don't share your feelings. Well think on this, what if they do?
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Secrets
Secrets are a very interesting topic for me, to be honest I hate secrets. I am a very honest person and I try not to keep secrets. As a personal law of sorts, I don't lie and I don't keep things from people unless absolutely necessary. If I feel something about someone I tell them. Perhaps it would be better if I held myself back a bit but I don't like to. If someone is going to accept me I want them to accept me for all of what I am. Yes relationships are for getting to know people but why should you not know what you are getting into from the start? I think being so honest and forward has gotten me into trouble quite often, probably one of my biggest issues with all the girl stuff, but it's who I am. Whenever I make comments about how being so vocal and obvious with my feelings is causing problems people suggest I hold myself back and moderate how I feel. True that would probably make things better but I honesty don't know if I can. I like showing people how I feel, I'm honest and don't care who knows. I realize I'm the source of any problems I may have but if I'm saying that this is how I want to be perhaps I should stop whining and just accept what I knew would be the result.
The one thing about secrets I hate are the ones people keep because they"didn't want to hurt you." In my mind that is a load of bullshit. Not telling someone you know has feelings for you that something is starting between you and another guy is just dumb. So you don't want to hurt him huh? Well let me ask you this, what would hurt more: him hearing from you, the one he cares about, that you like someone else and that you are sorry or him driving himself crazy speculating about what is going on and eventually either making crazy accusation, hearing it from someone else or just finding out on his own. When that happens you get the whole "What the hell is going on?" and then you have to defend yourself and give your "I didn't want to hurt you" speech and in the end just pissing him off. This has happened to me so many times and I still don't understand it. How is keeping something that huge from somebody you apparently care about helping them? Is it helping him get over it, no. Is it helping him to deal with the situation, no. Is it going to make him feel in any way better about the suckiness of everything if you delay it, no. He's going to find out eventually so just freaking tell him. Yes I understand it's hard and that knowing you're going to break someone's heart is tough, but it's better to break it with your own hands than have him shatter it on his own. Of course I always start wondering "how long?" after that happens. How long were you trying to hide it from me? Do you really think I'm that weak or that petty that I can't be told? If you don't share my feelings fine but if you supposedly care about me at least as a friend don't I deserve that much? I'd like to think so but hey, that's just me.
Until next time, Shadow out
The one thing about secrets I hate are the ones people keep because they"didn't want to hurt you." In my mind that is a load of bullshit. Not telling someone you know has feelings for you that something is starting between you and another guy is just dumb. So you don't want to hurt him huh? Well let me ask you this, what would hurt more: him hearing from you, the one he cares about, that you like someone else and that you are sorry or him driving himself crazy speculating about what is going on and eventually either making crazy accusation, hearing it from someone else or just finding out on his own. When that happens you get the whole "What the hell is going on?" and then you have to defend yourself and give your "I didn't want to hurt you" speech and in the end just pissing him off. This has happened to me so many times and I still don't understand it. How is keeping something that huge from somebody you apparently care about helping them? Is it helping him get over it, no. Is it helping him to deal with the situation, no. Is it going to make him feel in any way better about the suckiness of everything if you delay it, no. He's going to find out eventually so just freaking tell him. Yes I understand it's hard and that knowing you're going to break someone's heart is tough, but it's better to break it with your own hands than have him shatter it on his own. Of course I always start wondering "how long?" after that happens. How long were you trying to hide it from me? Do you really think I'm that weak or that petty that I can't be told? If you don't share my feelings fine but if you supposedly care about me at least as a friend don't I deserve that much? I'd like to think so but hey, that's just me.
Until next time, Shadow out
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Love
What is love really? I'd like to think that I have the ability to love a lot of people, some more than others now and again, but I'm really starting to wonder if I know what the word means or whether or not it's worth my time caring so much. I'v seen countless indifferent individuals get into relationships that they honestly don't give a shit about. I've seen people get into relationships that they feel "meh" about. So why is it that every time I feel like giving my entire heart and should to someone I never get so much as an "I'll give it a try?" I understand that that most likely wouldn't go very far but am I at least allowed to try? Can I at least be given a chance? Or am I destined to try and fail, paving the way for someone else? I get close to people, get them to open up, make them feel like they can trust me and other people. It's what I do, I build relationships and I'd like to think I build people. I try to make every person I meet into a better, more open person. It works, it really does. The only problem is that every fucking time I cannot get past friend or confidant. You're awesome! Any girl would be lucky to date you! I really want to like you! I would date you! I'm not good enough for you... You'll find someone better. I'm just not the one. Bullshit to all of that. Those are the things I hear constantly, about how I'm the "perfect boyfriend" about how everything i do is so amazing and makes people feel so good. Yes I enjoy hearing that and yes I enjoy making people happy but I really am getting sick and tired of being stabbed in the back and stepped on every step of the way. All I seem to do is make people more open to relationships and open the door for someone else to waltz in and make her happy. I can count 4 times that this has happened within the last 3 years. I'm a fucking miracle worker, woohoo.
Honestly, I'm getting tired of all this. I'm tired of pouring everything I have into something only to watch it be taken by someone else. I'm always in 2nd no matter what I do. No matter who it is, there will always be at least one more person they care about more than me, one person who has managed to walk through that door into her heart. No matter how good a friend I become I will never be that guy. I'll survive, it seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Yes I realize I should do more than survive, and trust me I've tried. I won't give up, I'm too damn stubborn for that.
It stinks that this is what defines me in my mind. I can't think of myself without thinking of failure. I realize that's not what other people see but people can't always see everything. There will always be shadows of me that people can't see and that I can't get rid of. They are as much a part of me as my over-sized and seemingly cursed heart. I am what I am and have never claimed to be any different. I live my life the way I want to, and through all the pain and the heartaches I am the man I have always seen myself being. I am the guardian, the shield against pain to those who are willing to hide in my arms. I am always there, no matter what you think you've done to me. I am the friend, the confidant, the jokester and the runner. These are what make me who I am. I wish I were the lover or the boyfriend but we can't all be everything now can we? If my lot in life is to succeed at everything but at getting a girlfriend then I should consider myself lucky. I am what I am and that will never change.
Until next time, Shadow out
Honestly, I'm getting tired of all this. I'm tired of pouring everything I have into something only to watch it be taken by someone else. I'm always in 2nd no matter what I do. No matter who it is, there will always be at least one more person they care about more than me, one person who has managed to walk through that door into her heart. No matter how good a friend I become I will never be that guy. I'll survive, it seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Yes I realize I should do more than survive, and trust me I've tried. I won't give up, I'm too damn stubborn for that.
It stinks that this is what defines me in my mind. I can't think of myself without thinking of failure. I realize that's not what other people see but people can't always see everything. There will always be shadows of me that people can't see and that I can't get rid of. They are as much a part of me as my over-sized and seemingly cursed heart. I am what I am and have never claimed to be any different. I live my life the way I want to, and through all the pain and the heartaches I am the man I have always seen myself being. I am the guardian, the shield against pain to those who are willing to hide in my arms. I am always there, no matter what you think you've done to me. I am the friend, the confidant, the jokester and the runner. These are what make me who I am. I wish I were the lover or the boyfriend but we can't all be everything now can we? If my lot in life is to succeed at everything but at getting a girlfriend then I should consider myself lucky. I am what I am and that will never change.
Until next time, Shadow out
Monday, May 3, 2010
Just a Little Short
Well it has once again been awhile since I have updated, but I have an excuse this time! Ok well only sort of. Life has been quite hectic. Since my last post I've dealt with failing tests, not running a race for a month and then when I did run again being told that I couldn't run the hurdles. Everything semeed to be falling apart in one way or another and it was quite dreadful. I avoided blogging because I figured none of you particularly wanted to hear me complain about track, class and girls day after day. So I just sucked it up and moved along.
Now that the year is coming to an end, I'm done my finals in two days, life seems to have realigned itself. Classes are annoying but I'll survive, track is no longer imploding but rather trying to make up for it's previous lacking. I got 2nd place at our conference meet in the 400m and almost won the 4x4 ... if only that guy from Chicago hadn't clipped my heel down the final straightaway. Oh well, things are better considering I am now staying a few extra weeks to try and qualify for nationals in the 400 hurdles. It also seems that girls are once more confusing haha. Things may not always be what I'd like them too but that won't stop me from enjoying what I have. Seems to be my life motto as of late. I suppose I'm tired of putting so much energy into something only to watch it fall short once I get close to what I want, but considering it happens a lot (exaggerated statement of course) I've gotten used to settling for what I can get. Everything else always seems to go well regardless of what I do so I guess i should count myself lucky that this is the only real issue I have.
I truly am luckier than most and I always feel guilty for complaining about such a trivial thing. I mean if someone told you, "Hey I started hanging out with this girl a lot and now we're like the best of friends and I feel like I can tell her anything!" Would you consider that a failure? I don't, not really, but it's always a disappointment when you can't get things to turn out the way you want. Another great friend, yay?! Sometimes I really do think about things too much, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't now would I?
Well I suppose that's enough lamenting for one day, I've got two more finals to worry about along with closing the buildings and a few track meets (hopefully including Nationals). Good luck to you guys on your finals, if you have any left. Summer will be here soon and I will have lots of fun stories from Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Labs so I'll actually try posting somewhat regularly.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Now that the year is coming to an end, I'm done my finals in two days, life seems to have realigned itself. Classes are annoying but I'll survive, track is no longer imploding but rather trying to make up for it's previous lacking. I got 2nd place at our conference meet in the 400m and almost won the 4x4 ... if only that guy from Chicago hadn't clipped my heel down the final straightaway. Oh well, things are better considering I am now staying a few extra weeks to try and qualify for nationals in the 400 hurdles. It also seems that girls are once more confusing haha. Things may not always be what I'd like them too but that won't stop me from enjoying what I have. Seems to be my life motto as of late. I suppose I'm tired of putting so much energy into something only to watch it fall short once I get close to what I want, but considering it happens a lot (exaggerated statement of course) I've gotten used to settling for what I can get. Everything else always seems to go well regardless of what I do so I guess i should count myself lucky that this is the only real issue I have.
I truly am luckier than most and I always feel guilty for complaining about such a trivial thing. I mean if someone told you, "Hey I started hanging out with this girl a lot and now we're like the best of friends and I feel like I can tell her anything!" Would you consider that a failure? I don't, not really, but it's always a disappointment when you can't get things to turn out the way you want. Another great friend, yay?! Sometimes I really do think about things too much, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't now would I?
Well I suppose that's enough lamenting for one day, I've got two more finals to worry about along with closing the buildings and a few track meets (hopefully including Nationals). Good luck to you guys on your finals, if you have any left. Summer will be here soon and I will have lots of fun stories from Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Labs so I'll actually try posting somewhat regularly.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
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