Opportunities

Opportunities, bleh. That word holds so much hope and yet so much dread, at least for me it does. The word opportunity gives hope for the future and what could be. I see opportunities every day, whether it's to talk to a cute girl, take a good job, get to know a friend or to just do something I love. I live my life looking for opportunities and enjoy it when I find them. The dreaded aspect of the word comes from all my missed opportunities. Thinks I could have done or should have done and didn't. I am a very introspective person and evaluating all my decisions comes with the territory. Thinking about what I said and what I did drives me nuts but it has also helped me understand myself a lot better than I think most people understand themselves. The topic on my mind is, no surprise here, girls. There have been a lot of stuff going on in the last few weeks that you can excuse my constant abuse of the subject. Even though the situation has not been ideal I think I am slowly starting to understand my mind and why I do things the way I do, and why I'm an idiot.

So long story short I thought I had a girl (was close at least) but I was wrong (it happens) and now she has a boyfriend (yikes). Now usually I freak out (did that) and hold onto my feelings for a long time, but somehow this time i didn't. I remember my last situation which ended like this and trust me, it wasn't nearly as pretty. Perhaps it's the fact that I actually have closure, that the girl was honest with me and actually told me what was going on (go figure). Even though she has a boyfriend now we are still going to be good friends and I can see that they are good for each other. She's happy, she's not being stupid with me, I know what's going on ... so I moved on? I really have no idea how it works but my feelings are kinda sorta gone. I mean not totally of course, I'm not a cold-hearted bastard, but they aren't at the level they were before. I still feel slight pangs or whatever but more for, here we go, lost opportunities than for any other reason. On top of thinking about lost opportunities with her I have been noticing other lost opportunities. There are always great girls who like me and I never notice. I complain so much about things not working out for me when all I have to do is open my eyes and close my mouth. How is some girl going to feel comfortable telling me how she feels when every other word out of my mouth is about another girl? The correct answer is that she won't, and so she'll never tell me and when I realize how big an idiot and a douche I am I get to add a few more lost opportunities to the pile.

So of course I've been thinking (not usually a good idea) and I think I've cracked away a bit more of how my heart and brain like to work. Bottom line is, I like the feeling of liking someone. Call me a flirt, a pimp, a player, an asshole or just a lovesick puppy dog, it really doesn't matter. To me love and relationships are one thing in my life that are different. They give me excitement to look forward to beyond the monotony of everyday life. It's something you always have to work at, good or bad, and it's a lovely break form the norm. Now with me this causes me to have a list of what I call "possibles." I haven't really told all that many people about this concept and the names truly are secret, mainly because even I don't really know who they are. It's not a list really, more a feeling that I have for certain girls. There are girls I would date and then there are girls I can actually see myself dating. I mean I would date Heidi Klum, but seriously? There are girls I think are gorgeous and great but know it will never happen. Then there are the others, girls I think are gorgeous, fun to be with, and actually have a shot with. Now "actually have a shot with" is loosely defined as "it could happen in this universe," not like I'm assuming anything. Anyway, there are a lot of girls, mostly people I am or have become close friends with, that there are possible feelings with. I am very good at not falling for someone if there is a good reason not to (say she has a boyfriend or that she is quite literally one of my best friends), but when said girl might show possible interest then those feelings appear quite easily. They're not fake, and it's not like I'm waiting for approval to have these feelings, it's just that my relationships with people aren't static. People always comment that I don't give people a chance to show me how they feel, all I'm trying to say is "try me." You never know how someone can truly feel until you let them know in some way. Oddly enough, this is kind of what happened with the earlier mentioned girl. She didn't really realize she liked this guy until he told her he liked her. I mean that's not perfectly true but it's close. She started dating him after that. Just like that her eyes opened to what she didn't realize she could feel.

Relationships will never happen if you never give them the chance. If you like someone and are afraid they don't like you "in that way" then try them. Show them an inkling of how you feel and see what happens. If they don't then what's the difference than before? People always balk at taking chances and say they're afraid what will happen if they don't feel the same. I'll let you in on a little secret idea that helps me through things like this. You're always so afraid and think of what will happen if they don't share your feelings. Well think on this, what if they do?

Until next time, Shadow out :-D