Love

What is love really? I'd like to think that I have the ability to love a lot of people, some more than others now and again, but I'm really starting to wonder if I know what the word means or whether or not it's worth my time caring so much. I'v seen countless indifferent individuals get into relationships that they honestly don't give a shit about. I've seen people get into relationships that they feel "meh" about. So why is it that every time I feel like giving my entire heart and should to someone I never get so much as an "I'll give it a try?" I understand that that most likely wouldn't go very far but am I at least allowed to try? Can I at least be given a chance? Or am I destined to try and fail, paving the way for someone else? I get close to people, get them to open up, make them feel like they can trust me and other people. It's what I do, I build relationships and I'd like to think I build people. I try to make every person I meet into a better, more open person. It works, it really does. The only problem is that every fucking time I cannot get past friend or confidant. You're awesome! Any girl would be lucky to date you! I really want to like you! I would date you! I'm not good enough for you... You'll find someone better. I'm just not the one. Bullshit to all of that. Those are the things I hear constantly, about how I'm the "perfect boyfriend" about how everything i do is so amazing and makes people feel so good. Yes I enjoy hearing that and yes I enjoy making people happy but I really am getting sick and tired of being stabbed in the back and stepped on every step of the way. All I seem to do is make people more open to relationships and open the door for someone else to waltz in and make her happy. I can count 4 times that this has happened within the last 3 years. I'm a fucking miracle worker, woohoo.

Honestly, I'm getting tired of all this. I'm tired of pouring everything I have into something only to watch it be taken by someone else. I'm always in 2nd no matter what I do. No matter who it is, there will always be at least one more person they care about more than me, one person who has managed to walk through that door into her heart. No matter how good a friend I become I will never be that guy. I'll survive, it seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Yes I realize I should do more than survive, and trust me I've tried. I won't give up, I'm too damn stubborn for that.

It stinks that this is what defines me in my mind. I can't think of myself without thinking of failure. I realize that's not what other people see but people can't always see everything. There will always be shadows of me that people can't see and that I can't get rid of. They are as much a part of me as my over-sized and seemingly cursed heart. I am what I am and have never claimed to be any different. I live my life the way I want to, and through all the pain and the heartaches I am the man I have always seen myself being. I am the guardian, the shield against pain to those who are willing to hide in my arms. I am always there, no matter what you think you've done to me. I am the friend, the confidant, the jokester and the runner. These are what make me who I am. I wish I were the lover or the boyfriend but we can't all be everything now can we? If my lot in life is to succeed at everything but at getting a girlfriend then I should consider myself lucky. I am what I am and that will never change.

Until next time, Shadow out