So Many Expectations and So Many Doubts

Well I've been very bleh lately and thought that perhaps blogging once more would help me sort it out. I have slightly given up on blogging because of all the things people seem to be expecting of me lately. They expect me to act a certain way and expect that because they read my blog or because I trust them with some things that they know me. There is a lot more to me than people think and my blogging gives some of them a false sense of knowledge. Yes this is me, this is what I think and how I feel but there so much more to me that people seem to assume about. Even people who I think know me surprise me sometimes with their ignorance. They call me deep and thoughtful and yet think that they can somehow predict my life and choose my actions. I'm growing tired of all the expectations people throw on me without realizing it, all the hopes and fears they think they know and can understand. Well sadly enough, they are wrong. I hide things I don't want to talk about and just because I am open about a lot of things does not mean you know everything. Me smiling when talking about somebody does not instantly mean I'm hiding some crush. When I say no I don't know what you are talking about or that I don't care, guess what? I'm telling the truth. There is not some hidden meaning behind everything I do and if I'm not talking about something then there is most likely a good reason for it. If I want to talk I'll come to you so STOP DIGGING!!

I can't seem to live my own life these days. It constantly feels as though all the expectations of what I will do are controlling my life. Ignore that fact that those choices are indeed the ones I would make, but they are MY choices to make, not yours. If you think something is good for me then let me find that conclusion myself and for the love of god don't claim that something I have done or that the choice I made was your doing or that you knew it was best for me from the start. Congratulations! Who gives a shit. This is My life and these are MY choices, leave them be. I will live MY life the way that I choose. I am tired of people assuming they know me. I am open yes but you do not know everything so stop thinking you do. I talk things out to feel better not to get opinions. I like sounding boards, not judges who tell me the verdict and what I must do. Does someone like me and you think we'll be good together! Good for you, now that you've told me stop asking about it, stop telling me what she thinks, stop throwing little hints, stop asking questions. If I want you to know I'll tell you and if I want to know what she thinks I'll ask. I'm not dumb and can always tell when people are hinting at things or trying to make me talk about stuff. The people I enjoy talking to the most are the ones that listen, nod their heads and let me live my life. If I'm making a mistake then fine, it's mine to make and you'll just have to be there when it falls apart. If it's going well then smile and give me a pat on the back. I don't need encouragement and I don't need advice, unless I ask.

It just seems that as soon as there is any hint of something going well or something going bad I have people leaping down my throat. If I'm not smiling then something MUST be wrong, it's Ty he can't be sad. And yet when I deny it they just jump further and further down my throat and piss me off, which of course only convinces them that something must be wrong. If I'm angry then I'm mad at something, of course it's not them that's pissing me off ... The same thing happens when things go well. I enjoy congratulations and well wishes but when I've known a girl for 2 weeks and everybody wants to know every detail. Well guess what, there are none, I barely know her. This is where the expectations of everybody kicks in, convincing me that I should feel a way that I don't. Convincing me that since things are going well then they will continue to do so and that nothing will go wrong. Well seems I was wrong again. I'm tired of feeling like my life isn't mine to live, feeling like I'm only walking down the paths that people gave me. Even if it's the direction I would have chosen myself eventually I need to make the decision on my own, how else am I going to feel like I'm doing what I want and not just doing what everyone makes me feel like I should? I recently made that mistake and it sucks, and I don't want it happening again. People need to learn to leave me to live my own life and I just need to learn to ignore people.

Expectations and pressures are very real and it seems rather dangerous. I need to break free of what others want me to do or want me to feel and just figure out what I want. And there's the problem, I don't KNOW what I want. I'm trying t figure it out but it's tough when people keep trying to get involved. Every little thing I do or feel does not have to act like a firework to everyone around me. I'm just another guy trying to find out what I love in life. Perhaps when the crowds of people clear from in front of my face I can finally see what I truly want rather than where everyone is trying to lead me. I'll find my way and make my own decisions in the end, I hope, but things would be so much easier if everyone would just leave me be and stop prying. For once I'm trying to keep things to myself, so shut up and just watch from the sidelines. Cheer or boo for me if you do or don't like my choices but realize that they are MINE to make and that what you think really doesn't matter.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Blooga Blooga

So I've been thinking that I should blog more. That plus the fact that someone is interested in reading more of what I write has made me come to the decision to try and do this regularly. Normally I just kind of write whenever I feel the need to, which unfortunately usually means I just write when I'm miserable or giddy for some reason. So I am now going to try and update this thinga-majigger every Friday/Saturday.

Alright so this post is titled blooga blooga mainly because I really don't know what to say. I mean I'm happy, and I like it. I'm living with friends of mine on the track team this year and it's great. We play lots of Mario Kart, Settlers, Guitar and basically any other random activity we can think of. It's a pretty big change from past years when I've either lived in a freshman dorm with people I've never met or ... in a freshman dorm with people I've never met. I became good friends with people on my floor/in my building both years but there's something about starting already settled in. It has allowed me not to worry about what to do when I'm back in my room, it has been "Home" right from the start. That may have also helped my little break out this year with meeting new people (or in the this case mainly a new person). With classes being manageable, track in its pre-preseason stages and me already feeling comfortable in my suite I just kind of went for it. I met someone who I thought was really nice and basically said "whet the hell?" I don't usually try to get super close to people I just met but she had me intrigued and there really was no reason not to. Best ... choice ... ever :-D Things just sort of took a hold of things themselves from there and that's my main reason for being overly happy.

Things are looking up, and I like it. I have no reason to complain about anything really, even though I still do anyway. Life is just kind of coasting along and getting better as we go. A nice girl, great friends/suite mates, time to hang with my fraternity brothers and just the feeling of a great year. I had been wondering this summer how well my Junior year was gonna go and well ... I'd say question answered :-)

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

To the Future

So I'm writing this post now part because I want to write about recent stuff and part because I was told I should post. So here I am sitting in my bed at 1:30 in the morning with a smile that never seems to go away these days. I'm ... happy. Not like ok, not like somewhat good or a little better. I mean that I feel better than I have in awhile. Sure I've felt this way before but it's different. Before there is always some dread or fear creeping in, some thoughts that are poisoning an otherwise very happy mind. I seriously can't think of anything to be worried about. Classes are classes and track is track, but I actually have something to look forward to.

I can't really explain what's going through my mind because honestly, even I don't understand it. I'm still reeling from the impossibility of it all. On top of that I'm not even worried about mentioning it here. I'm pretty sure that most everyone knows how I feel at this point, especially her. Do I know where it's going? No not really. Do I really care? Not really (ok that's a lie but you know what I mean). It doesn't matter where it's going because we'll figure it out, one way or another. All I know is that in the matter of two ridiculous weeks I've most certainly found a great friend, but also .. more.

So this post is really just a toast to life and the future. I'm never really the most optimistic person so I might as well take advantage of it while the feeling lasts. To a future that is a mystery and yet has me looking forward for once with hopeful eyes not shaded by what I'm afraid will happen. Haha a toast to Bunnies and Rainbows.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

So Restless

So it's happening again, the restlessness. It's been awhile, perhaps because I've been surrounded by friends and work all summer but now that I'm back at school it's different. Sure I have friends all over the place but everyone has their own plans and their own work to do. Somehow I don't have that much to do which is nice but scares me all at once. I need a lot to do or I won't concentrate. It's almost as though I have ADD until I'm so busy that my body adjusts and just takes over, getting everything done on less sleep, more strain and longer practices. I function best when I'm pushed to my limits. It's strange but I love it. It's almost as if my body automatically knows when I need to be at my best and just goes into overdrive. It happens with track too, now that I think about it. I do ok in practices but not nearly as well in meets. Perchance it's the atmosphere or the pressure of wanting/needing to win but my legs just don't die, until the meet is over at least. I find myself pushing myself and going faster than ever before just when I need to. The same thing happens with work (job, tests, HW, etc.)

I guess it's not just that there's nothing to do that's got me restless but also the fact that I just can't do anything about certain situations. I have found my self in the oh so common bind of having to watch what I say on here, but I just seem to be unable to take steps i the direction I want to. Most of it has to do with my principles and not wanting to hurt friends, even if it would get me what I seem to need so badly. I always do that, complain about what I want but don't have and yet when I'm given opportunities to remedy that I'm unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary. Doing so would change who I am, which is perhaps what I need to do to fix things, but that would be against the point so I won't. Ugh I'm starting to feel the need to run or something, either that or read, or play video games, or maybe I should give doing work another shot. We shall see.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Just talk to me ...

Such a simple thing to want, to wish and hope for. I sit in front of my computer with programs open for the sole purpose of hoping she'll talk to me. I can't talk to you because I do that too much already and I don't want to be intrusive. I don't want to push or pressure you in any way because I already know it's a lost cause ... I knew from the beginning. I'm tired of hoping and believing things and people will change, and despite the fact that I know it won't work I'll hold on. Even if it's only because I know the only other choice is to let go of how I feel, I'll hold on to you even when you won't hold on to me. I say I'm tired of all this and yet I do it again and again. If people won't change then maybe I should, but that's something I refuse to do. This is me, whatever "this" is, and even if it will make things work it wouldn't be me anyway. So I wait and hope you talk to me. You're on right now, I see it ... but do you notice me?

Until next time, Shadow out

I'm tired of being alone, whether that means failing to truly foster a close enough relationship with anyone in particular or just feeling alone even when surrounded by friends. These aren't really new feelings, quite the contrary, but I seem to be feeling these things more often as time goes on. Why is it that the closer I get to people the more keenly I feel the gap in our relationship? I have awesome friends at school whom I've gotten close to and miss quite often while home. When I am home I have one of the best groups of friends you could have. We decided this summer to hang out with each other as much as possible, and even though I'm involved with work (or the ride there) for 10 hrs a day I still manage to see them 4 or 5 days a week. We play soccer 2 days a week, volleyball usually another day and a barbecue or cowboy karaoke night on Fridays. I love it, I really do, and I feel so much closer to all of them. I wouldn't have it any other way and yet by getting to know them better I am starting to see and feel gaps I would much rather ignore. There have been fun developments between various people with crushes and people possibly starting to date soon and even a crush of my own. The closer I feel, the larger the gap I seem to find.

I always feel loved and a part of the group, and yet there is always this feeling of being ... different and apart somehow. I'm aware this is mostly in my head, but sometimes I wonder how seriously people take me. I'm always labeled the crazy, awkward flirt which isn't really a bad thing. I mean I am crazy, awkward and I do flirt a lot but it's always hard when I wonder if my closest friends take me seriously. It's been really hard when I've fallen for one of the girls in the group. It's also even harder when she doesn't ever seem to be interested in dating in well ... anyone really, and one of her closest friends is telling me it's a bad thing I've fallen for her. I realize I can't do anything about it but I can't just up and drop how I feel (all of you should know that). So I've really limited myself to just possibly trying to talk to her a little more, through texting and such. Problem is, she doesn't seem all that interested in responding. She did respond and it looked like we were going to talk about some stuff that was more than just casual conversation but then she just stopped responding. It's happened a few times, so maybe it's more than just her phone acting up. I really like her and all but there is nothing I can do about it, and I suppose this is the main reason for my feelings of being alone and apart from everyone. No matter what I do or try I'm just the flirty friend, I guess. Maybe that's not how they view me but it's the only reason I seem to be able to think of for this huge gap I don't seem to be able to bypass.

I feel alone, and once again have no idea why. It's normal so nothing to worry about, but I wish I could just manage to get close to someone. I really just want to bridge this gap and feel like I'm more than just "that friend."

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

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