For the first time in a long while I've started thinking things that I thought I put behind me. Things along the lines of "What the hell am I doing?" I realized that I really don't know. I'm majoring in Chemical Engineering at a really good school. A school that I really don't know why I chose. It felt right for me sure but can you really base life altering decisions on gut instinct alone? I love it where I am and I'm glad about that, but I can't expect to get that lucky with everything. A lot of people were talking this weekend about what they're doing and their plans for the future. Their career plans, graduate plans, summer plans, internships and all that. What do I know? A load of nothing. Sure ChemE is a good field, but what the hell am I going to do with it? This summer I am doing nothing. I can make up all the excuses I want about not having time and not being able to get a job because of the economy or that it's just over the summer. I haven't even been working out, I've even been lucky to be doing so well in track. I'm lazy and my body just miraculously takes all the crap and comes through for me.
To be honest I am kinda lost, I'm in a good spot and there is no reason to feel depressed or to panic. I'm not and I don't plan on it. But it's hard to look at everyone around me planning for the future and not feel left behind. Where am I going and what will I do with my life. There are a lot more things involved in this thought pattern than most of you know, and it's a thought pattern that I only really share with a few people. So sorry for hinting and then closing my mouth, for once, but there are some things even I keep hidden. Some people know, and they are the ones that know me best. And these feelings are a tender point that I really don't feel like shouting to the world like I usually do. Maybe perhaps for once I'll keep it close to the chest. The only one I plan on talking to about this is actually in the next room, but she has her own problems to worry about so I'll let her be for now.
Sorry if this post seems slightly down and more random than my usual posts. It's night and I'm thinking and I juts felt like blogging. I don't script these things or even think before I type, I just type and publish. So anyways, I'm sure you'll be hearing form me soon.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Regrets ... Kinda
I've never considered myself a judgmental person. I mean I have no problem with any race, disability, sexual orientation, or anything else that people usually tend to be judged by. I get to know people and usually end up forgiving them for their shortcomings. I always follow this, call it a code of conduct if you like, it's just one of those things I live by. But there is one glaring example that always seems to annoy me. I always try and justify myself but in the end I really am just passing judgment when I really shouldn't. Trying to force myself to feel emotions I usually avoid or ignore. I don't hate. It's not that I can't, I just don't. Someone may annoy me but I won't hate them. It's just that way I am. Hate is just too against all that I am and I avoid it or ignore it when it should be there. And yet in this one example I seem to be forcing myself to hate. I know some of you have heard me complain about it before, but I'm talking about my step dad and my step sister.
This forced feeling isn't some deep rooted hatred about replacing my father or anything, he's just a dick and she's a brat. Now as true as that may be I think that for years I have blocked myself from feeling anything but hate towards them. He does tend to make life hell for me and my siblings, but is that really any reason to hate him? The hell I speak of is what ... more chores? How horrible. He has no right to take out his annoyances on us but that doesn't mean I should hate him. He doesn't beat us or curse at us or anything. He does tell us we're lazy and that we make our mom do too much and that she's "going to have a heart attack one day because of it." Although when he said that he was really annoyed at something. I don't think I ever really gave him a chance. I tried to listen and change to make him feel like I was making an effort to help, which I always did, but he never noticed. And so I just hated him. Being away from home I think has helped me mature and get a better look at things. I think it did the same thing for him. Now that I'm back we both seem different. He's still not ultra friendly or anything but he hasn't really went off on me or anybody that I saw about anything. Maybe he resolved a few issues or maybe he realized that I/we really did/do do stuff, whatever it is I've realized that I have no reason to hate him. I don't think I can ever truly manage to love him, as harsh as that sounds. He isn't my father and has never acted like a father figure. I really don't think he wants to be and that's fine, but he does deserve my respect whether he really deserves it or not. Maybe it's about time I grew up and just stopped being a little kid hating his step dad. I don't really regret how I acted or felt, but it's just not necessary anymore. He was an ass to us but I think he had some of his own issues to work out and he is getting better. So away with childish hate and away with judging, haha always a good idea in my book.
One thing I do regret is how I acted towards my step sister. Another example of pointless hate. Yes she was kind of a brat and a bitch, but aren't most teenage girls. I never really gave her a chance and never really bothered to try and get to know her. That could easily be why she was always a brat to me. She didn't bother respecting me because I ignored and avoided her. It was a stupid thing to do and I do regret it. The good thing is that it's never too late, especially with family. I talked with her this past weekend and it was nice. She seemed to miss me and all and we had a talk about my girlfriend, which she apparently didn't know I had. I think she has matured as well, which really helps, and she seems to be someone I can get along with better. So I'm looking forward to giving her a chance and actually getting to know her. I don't know if she will read this or if I even want her to. But either way, I'm sorry. I was childish for hating you for no reason but I do regret it. But if you do read this please don't bring it up with me. It's hard enough to admit that I've been a retard all this time but I really don't feel like actually talking about it. Haha childish again but I'm not really into the whole opening to family thing. Anyways sorry for the way I've acted.
Well sorry for the long post but it's something I've been thinking about and something that's been bothering me. So thanks for bearing with me.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
This forced feeling isn't some deep rooted hatred about replacing my father or anything, he's just a dick and she's a brat. Now as true as that may be I think that for years I have blocked myself from feeling anything but hate towards them. He does tend to make life hell for me and my siblings, but is that really any reason to hate him? The hell I speak of is what ... more chores? How horrible. He has no right to take out his annoyances on us but that doesn't mean I should hate him. He doesn't beat us or curse at us or anything. He does tell us we're lazy and that we make our mom do too much and that she's "going to have a heart attack one day because of it." Although when he said that he was really annoyed at something. I don't think I ever really gave him a chance. I tried to listen and change to make him feel like I was making an effort to help, which I always did, but he never noticed. And so I just hated him. Being away from home I think has helped me mature and get a better look at things. I think it did the same thing for him. Now that I'm back we both seem different. He's still not ultra friendly or anything but he hasn't really went off on me or anybody that I saw about anything. Maybe he resolved a few issues or maybe he realized that I/we really did/do do stuff, whatever it is I've realized that I have no reason to hate him. I don't think I can ever truly manage to love him, as harsh as that sounds. He isn't my father and has never acted like a father figure. I really don't think he wants to be and that's fine, but he does deserve my respect whether he really deserves it or not. Maybe it's about time I grew up and just stopped being a little kid hating his step dad. I don't really regret how I acted or felt, but it's just not necessary anymore. He was an ass to us but I think he had some of his own issues to work out and he is getting better. So away with childish hate and away with judging, haha always a good idea in my book.
One thing I do regret is how I acted towards my step sister. Another example of pointless hate. Yes she was kind of a brat and a bitch, but aren't most teenage girls. I never really gave her a chance and never really bothered to try and get to know her. That could easily be why she was always a brat to me. She didn't bother respecting me because I ignored and avoided her. It was a stupid thing to do and I do regret it. The good thing is that it's never too late, especially with family. I talked with her this past weekend and it was nice. She seemed to miss me and all and we had a talk about my girlfriend, which she apparently didn't know I had. I think she has matured as well, which really helps, and she seems to be someone I can get along with better. So I'm looking forward to giving her a chance and actually getting to know her. I don't know if she will read this or if I even want her to. But either way, I'm sorry. I was childish for hating you for no reason but I do regret it. But if you do read this please don't bring it up with me. It's hard enough to admit that I've been a retard all this time but I really don't feel like actually talking about it. Haha childish again but I'm not really into the whole opening to family thing. Anyways sorry for the way I've acted.
Well sorry for the long post but it's something I've been thinking about and something that's been bothering me. So thanks for bearing with me.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Home Number Two
Well it's been a few days since I've posted, but I've been trying to keep myself busy. The whole restlessness thing doesn't sit very well with me so I've been trying to keep active. Went to my best friend's family reunion on Sunday, I might as well be part of the family. We ate and played softball all afternoon. I'm still in shape but my legs haven't really done much in awhile so I was kinda sore come Monday. I got scolded by someone Monday night for not blogging in awhile so I was planning on posting something then ... but ended up not. Haha typical me. Anyway Mr. Complainer, here's a new post.
Not really sure what I'm going to talk about, I just feel like I should say something. I'm at my best friend's house right now and things are as good as ever. His friendship is one I was both worried about and also unconcerned about all in one. We didn't talk all that much during our first years at school but I wasn't worried because these kinds of friendships don't fray that easily. But of course I wondered whether things would change. Although we've both matured, sort of, in our own ways nothing has changed. I showed up yesterday and the chaos followed. We played some video games, threw a Frisbee, a football, chased frogs, and tormented his family. The thing it seems I missed the most is the unending stream of sarcastic insults and jokes that always follows when I stop by. And of course he assumed I'd be staying for a few days. We never plan these things, we just do it. It's comforting to be back here because it really is another home for me. At my actual house there is always kids running around and screaming and arguing siblings as well as just lots of crap that I don't feel like dealing with. Here it's just fun. I mean every family has its arguments and such but it's still calmer here than at the other house. And of course they make sure i don't take myself too seriously. They always make sure that I realize that any worries I have or things I think about too much don't really matter. Most of what I do is made into a joke and it makes me realize that they're really just little things. It's nice to be somewhere where the only expectations are that I crack a joke every few seconds and that I smile.
The expectations of people really do get to me sometimes. I know people don't expect me to be perfect but sometimes it just seems that way. The way people assume that I will do well in school, get my work done, always be able to help, or always do well in a race gets to me after awhile. Sometimes it just seems that I'm really not allowed to do bad, make mistakes or frown. I am in no way perfect, but I try to be as close as I can because it seems people expect it of me. I will always help and I will always run myself to the point where I can no longer stand. Why you may ask, because it's what people seem to need of me. Am I really that reliable? Can I really do all that is asked of me? Probably not but that isn't going to stop me.
Hahaha I just started thinking about something that crosses my mind a lot. Sorry if anything I say seems kind of conceded, I just think too much and this is what comes out. It may seem like I think a lot of myself but I really don't. People tell me it doesn't sound like I'm conceded but i worry anyway. I hate conceded people who brag and talk about themselves too much and I always worry I sound like that. Anyway just don't take anything I say too seriously they're just the ramblings of a crazy kid.
Anyway, I'm off to Chipotle for dinner soon so......
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Not really sure what I'm going to talk about, I just feel like I should say something. I'm at my best friend's house right now and things are as good as ever. His friendship is one I was both worried about and also unconcerned about all in one. We didn't talk all that much during our first years at school but I wasn't worried because these kinds of friendships don't fray that easily. But of course I wondered whether things would change. Although we've both matured, sort of, in our own ways nothing has changed. I showed up yesterday and the chaos followed. We played some video games, threw a Frisbee, a football, chased frogs, and tormented his family. The thing it seems I missed the most is the unending stream of sarcastic insults and jokes that always follows when I stop by. And of course he assumed I'd be staying for a few days. We never plan these things, we just do it. It's comforting to be back here because it really is another home for me. At my actual house there is always kids running around and screaming and arguing siblings as well as just lots of crap that I don't feel like dealing with. Here it's just fun. I mean every family has its arguments and such but it's still calmer here than at the other house. And of course they make sure i don't take myself too seriously. They always make sure that I realize that any worries I have or things I think about too much don't really matter. Most of what I do is made into a joke and it makes me realize that they're really just little things. It's nice to be somewhere where the only expectations are that I crack a joke every few seconds and that I smile.
The expectations of people really do get to me sometimes. I know people don't expect me to be perfect but sometimes it just seems that way. The way people assume that I will do well in school, get my work done, always be able to help, or always do well in a race gets to me after awhile. Sometimes it just seems that I'm really not allowed to do bad, make mistakes or frown. I am in no way perfect, but I try to be as close as I can because it seems people expect it of me. I will always help and I will always run myself to the point where I can no longer stand. Why you may ask, because it's what people seem to need of me. Am I really that reliable? Can I really do all that is asked of me? Probably not but that isn't going to stop me.
Hahaha I just started thinking about something that crosses my mind a lot. Sorry if anything I say seems kind of conceded, I just think too much and this is what comes out. It may seem like I think a lot of myself but I really don't. People tell me it doesn't sound like I'm conceded but i worry anyway. I hate conceded people who brag and talk about themselves too much and I always worry I sound like that. Anyway just don't take anything I say too seriously they're just the ramblings of a crazy kid.
Anyway, I'm off to Chipotle for dinner soon so......
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Friday, May 15, 2009
Restless
So it's been about a week since I came home and things are back to normal. Unfortunately this includes my restlessness. All of you reading this who know me even a little bit know that I'm always on the move. Sure I get tired eventually, but most of the time I'm running around doing something. For the last few months that hasn't been a problem. I mean how can it when I'm in a building surrounded by people I'm good friends with. Anyway, now that I'm home I'm starting to feel the pangs of restlessness again. It's kind of a problem when you live out in the boonies 20 min away from all your friends. My family is all at school or work right now and even when they are home everyone is busy and doing they're own thing. My step dad always gives me crap about always sitting in my room, but what else can I do? If I go downstairs I'll be surrounded by screaming kids, who just get louder the more people there are, teenage girls complaining about not being able to find this or being late for that and just a really loud busy mess. If someone needs my help or needs something done then I'll gladly do it, but otherwise I prefer the quiet of my own room ... even if it does get lonely/boring. I'd hang out with friends but a lot of them are busy as well, working and all. That kind of bugs me, that I haven't gotten a job. I was planning to but then I was going to be staying a few extra weeks for track and I have to be back early for the RA training, and on top of that we have vacations to go to. There wasn't going to be any time for a job. And then there was the no go for track so I have time. But now I haven't been looking and the likelihood of getting a job for the bit of time I can work is rather slim. I'll start applying and stuff soon just to see but I'm still going to be bored and restless until then.
Restlessness is a frequent visitor with me. I can only play so many games or watch so many shows before I get the need to just do something. I'm blogging now because I'm restless. I can't just show up at my friends' houses because they have their own stuff to do and I'm starting to get bored with reading and video games, plus I feel guilty for sitting in my room all day all week. My dad said I could the mow the lawn at his house so i may do that, but then what? GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I hate being restless. Some people enjoy the feeling of doing nothing but that's just not how I'm built to work. I'm built to go go go, full of energy and rearing to go .... except with nowhere to go. If someone called me and asked to play soccer or something I would throw on my shoes and be out the door in 2 minutes. It's nice to be free of school and such but it's kinda lonely to be back in my restless state. It even happens when I'm trying to sleep. Because I'm not doing anything I'm not tired and can't get to sleep. For people who are wondering, that's why I don't usually need all that much sleep. Unless I wear myself down, which is strangely hard to do, I don't sleep well. I can try but I usually wake up every so often. It's kind of annoying but oh well, unlimited energy has its downsides
Well I think i've occupied myself enough with blogging today, I'm getting more restless just sitting here. So I'm going to find something to do. Maybe I'll chase my dog around the yard or something, that's always fun. Well thanks for listening to my random, restless rambling.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Restlessness is a frequent visitor with me. I can only play so many games or watch so many shows before I get the need to just do something. I'm blogging now because I'm restless. I can't just show up at my friends' houses because they have their own stuff to do and I'm starting to get bored with reading and video games, plus I feel guilty for sitting in my room all day all week. My dad said I could the mow the lawn at his house so i may do that, but then what? GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I hate being restless. Some people enjoy the feeling of doing nothing but that's just not how I'm built to work. I'm built to go go go, full of energy and rearing to go .... except with nowhere to go. If someone called me and asked to play soccer or something I would throw on my shoes and be out the door in 2 minutes. It's nice to be free of school and such but it's kinda lonely to be back in my restless state. It even happens when I'm trying to sleep. Because I'm not doing anything I'm not tired and can't get to sleep. For people who are wondering, that's why I don't usually need all that much sleep. Unless I wear myself down, which is strangely hard to do, I don't sleep well. I can try but I usually wake up every so often. It's kind of annoying but oh well, unlimited energy has its downsides
Well I think i've occupied myself enough with blogging today, I'm getting more restless just sitting here. So I'm going to find something to do. Maybe I'll chase my dog around the yard or something, that's always fun. Well thanks for listening to my random, restless rambling.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Nature and Friends
Now that I have been home for a few days I'm settling back into my old habits and amusements. Mostly this revolves around, as the title says, nature and friends. Now my friends from home who may be reading this may wonder "When does he amuse himself with nature?" Truth is, I don't usually go out and spend days in the woods, or hunt, or picking flowers. I just love nature for the sake of nature. Being in a city for college has really changed my perspective. I've always been a fan of nature and it's peacefulness. At my dad's house I usually go out and wander in the fields where he keeps his horses or take the 4-wheeler out for a ride to clear my head. There is something about nature that just cleans the soul. Out there you know that everything is pure, clean (ignoring pollution and other human interferences). It's nice to just sit outside ... and breathe. Most people in society these days don't take that opportunity. Life is all about rushing to do this or running to get there. If everyone took a moment to just breathe and look around things might not seem so hectic.
We're surrounded by so much beauty and nobody takes the chance to see it. It kind of helps that I live out in the boonies in the middle of nowhere and the fact that my dad is kind of an outdoors freak, but those aren't bad things. Because of all that I get the chance to do and see a lot of things that most people only dream about. Since being home I've begun to realize how much I've taken all of it for granted. I mean on any given day I can ride a horse, chase a goat, shoot a gun (at something if I really feel like it), chuck a tomahawk at a tree, walk through a forest, go camping, climb a tree (several if I'm feeling squirrelish), walk into the mountains and more. The fact that most people don't have those kinds of choices never crossed my mind. It's not that it's a huge deal or anything, but being away has opened my eyes to how lucky I am to be this close to and involved with nature. I love it and always will, and if any of you feel like visiting and chasing a goat feel free.
Now to the other half of the title ... friends. You really don't realize how much you miss people until you get reunited. I mean I know I missed my best buddies but it really didn't hit me as to how different it is hanging out with them compared to friends at college until I hung out with them last night. We had the craziest conversations ... and I was "forced" to watch High School Musical 3 ... and it was just like old times. It felt so good to experience that nothing had changed though we go to different colleges. A few update stories and then we were the crazy trio again. Simba, Pumbaa, and Timon as they like to call us (I'm Simba of course). There are still a lot of friends that aren't home yet. but it's comforting to know that nothing will ave changed with my best friends. They've all seen me at my best and at my worst and no amount of time will affect our bonds. We are buddies for life and I'm thankful for it.
I guess what I've been rambling about is that I've learned to appreciate all that I have. I really am lucky to have such good friends and to be able to live the life I live. All I have to say is that it's good to be home and that I've missed the ol' MD.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
We're surrounded by so much beauty and nobody takes the chance to see it. It kind of helps that I live out in the boonies in the middle of nowhere and the fact that my dad is kind of an outdoors freak, but those aren't bad things. Because of all that I get the chance to do and see a lot of things that most people only dream about. Since being home I've begun to realize how much I've taken all of it for granted. I mean on any given day I can ride a horse, chase a goat, shoot a gun (at something if I really feel like it), chuck a tomahawk at a tree, walk through a forest, go camping, climb a tree (several if I'm feeling squirrelish), walk into the mountains and more. The fact that most people don't have those kinds of choices never crossed my mind. It's not that it's a huge deal or anything, but being away has opened my eyes to how lucky I am to be this close to and involved with nature. I love it and always will, and if any of you feel like visiting and chasing a goat feel free.
Now to the other half of the title ... friends. You really don't realize how much you miss people until you get reunited. I mean I know I missed my best buddies but it really didn't hit me as to how different it is hanging out with them compared to friends at college until I hung out with them last night. We had the craziest conversations ... and I was "forced" to watch High School Musical 3 ... and it was just like old times. It felt so good to experience that nothing had changed though we go to different colleges. A few update stories and then we were the crazy trio again. Simba, Pumbaa, and Timon as they like to call us (I'm Simba of course). There are still a lot of friends that aren't home yet. but it's comforting to know that nothing will ave changed with my best friends. They've all seen me at my best and at my worst and no amount of time will affect our bonds. We are buddies for life and I'm thankful for it.
I guess what I've been rambling about is that I've learned to appreciate all that I have. I really am lucky to have such good friends and to be able to live the life I live. All I have to say is that it's good to be home and that I've missed the ol' MD.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The Things You Miss
Well with all the thinking I do in normal circumstances, of course I'm going to be thinking a lot right now. It's been weird adjusting myself to being home instead of at school, although it really is starting to feel like home again. When you come back after a long absence you realize what you missed the most. I have found that It's the smallest strangest things that you miss the most, the things that really make it my home. I mean anyplace can be called home, but it's the little quirks about the area and the people around you that really make it where you belong. In the last few day I've experienced quite a few "It's good to be home" moments. The first happened as soon as I got out of the car and was surrounded by three little screaming monsters who went from happy yells to sobs as our dog proceeded to step on all their toes. Although their screaming was kind of exploding my eardrums, it felt good to be surrounded by the never ending noise that defines our house. It seriously never gets quiet around here unless everyone is asleep or out doing stuff. And since there are so many of us that rarely happens.
I've also missed my sisters being bitchy to each other and our parents, my dad throwing on the brakes in the car as deer run across the road, I saw about 10 of them throughout the night yesterday. I've missed my cat scratching me as I wrestle him with my hand, my dogs jumping on me and almost taking out my eye. I've missed playing Call of Duty until 2 in the morning with my brother and my dad, who can barely keep up with us but still has fun. I've missed the mountains, the mud, the 4-wheeler, the feeling of freedom I get when I walk outside, the quietness of the woods, the track where that important part of my life began. I have missed my family and all my friends but it's the little things that really make it home.
And I have even started realizing what I'm going to miss back at school. As much as I'm going to miss the people, unbelievably so, it's strange what little things I'm going to feel lonely without. Being surrounded by friends no matter where I am, being welcome on the 3rd floor no matter my attire (or theirs), the calls at 3 a.m. to walk someone back, the serenades with my guitar [I've missed those for awhile :-( ], the movies i a freshman dorm room with 20 people when the room is meant for maybe 6 or so comfortably. There are so many things I'm going to miss I can't list them all. And of course I'm going to miss the little things She does, but I'll tell her myself later. You guys don't get to hear everything :-P
Well it seems Home is really finally Home again, didn't really take that long. But I'm still counting down until we all reconverge.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
I've also missed my sisters being bitchy to each other and our parents, my dad throwing on the brakes in the car as deer run across the road, I saw about 10 of them throughout the night yesterday. I've missed my cat scratching me as I wrestle him with my hand, my dogs jumping on me and almost taking out my eye. I've missed playing Call of Duty until 2 in the morning with my brother and my dad, who can barely keep up with us but still has fun. I've missed the mountains, the mud, the 4-wheeler, the feeling of freedom I get when I walk outside, the quietness of the woods, the track where that important part of my life began. I have missed my family and all my friends but it's the little things that really make it home.
And I have even started realizing what I'm going to miss back at school. As much as I'm going to miss the people, unbelievably so, it's strange what little things I'm going to feel lonely without. Being surrounded by friends no matter where I am, being welcome on the 3rd floor no matter my attire (or theirs), the calls at 3 a.m. to walk someone back, the serenades with my guitar [I've missed those for awhile :-( ], the movies i a freshman dorm room with 20 people when the room is meant for maybe 6 or so comfortably. There are so many things I'm going to miss I can't list them all. And of course I'm going to miss the little things She does, but I'll tell her myself later. You guys don't get to hear everything :-P
Well it seems Home is really finally Home again, didn't really take that long. But I'm still counting down until we all reconverge.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Home
So I'm sitting on my bed ... at home. It's such a weird feeling. I haven't been home in almost 6 months and here I am sitting on my own bed in my own room. And yet I feel like a stranger. After all this time it doesn't quite feel like home anymore. The feeling will pass I know, but for now I might as well mention it. I keep getting the urge to walk down the hall to visit flyer, but the only people down the hall are my sisters. There is no floor of girls beneath me, there is no gf to hug, there is no building full of friends ... there's just me. I just got home today and i already want to go back. It's a weird feeling for me. I've been looking forward to coming home and seeing my family, and I am glad to see them, but right now it just seems like I've left so much more back at school.
I know the feeling will pass, but I really miss everyone. I want to take this moment to thank everyone who made this year so phenomenal. I'm not going to list names, that would take too long, so this is really just a general shout out. It has really made a difference this year to know that all of you really care and will really miss me. The number of times I have heard "It really isn't the same without you around" this year has made me realize that I do make a difference, that people really do care. I even had a signed petition before I left telling me i wasn't allowed to go. So thank you to all of you who have ever come to me to talk, to hug, for help, or to just say hi. You've helped show me how many friends I really have and how much I'm going to miss every last one of you. I hope you all have great summers and you sure as hell better call me when you get back because I'm going to be bored out of my mind after the RA training is done.
Well it's getting a little late so I suppose I'll call it a night, at least for blogging, Although I miss everyone, it is good to be home and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. I'm sure all of you will read some very interesting stories throughout the next few months. So goodnight ... from home.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
I know the feeling will pass, but I really miss everyone. I want to take this moment to thank everyone who made this year so phenomenal. I'm not going to list names, that would take too long, so this is really just a general shout out. It has really made a difference this year to know that all of you really care and will really miss me. The number of times I have heard "It really isn't the same without you around" this year has made me realize that I do make a difference, that people really do care. I even had a signed petition before I left telling me i wasn't allowed to go. So thank you to all of you who have ever come to me to talk, to hug, for help, or to just say hi. You've helped show me how many friends I really have and how much I'm going to miss every last one of you. I hope you all have great summers and you sure as hell better call me when you get back because I'm going to be bored out of my mind after the RA training is done.
Well it's getting a little late so I suppose I'll call it a night, at least for blogging, Although I miss everyone, it is good to be home and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. I'm sure all of you will read some very interesting stories throughout the next few months. So goodnight ... from home.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Enter a Freshman, Leave ... Not Quite a Freshman Anymore
Whew, almost didn't remember to blog today. I'm really going to make sure I keep up with this thing. It's a great way to just get everything out that I'm thinking. I may not seem like the philosophical type, but I really do think a lot. Most of the time it's nothing important but it's still nice to write it down. I always have random thoughts going through my head and a lot of the time I never remember what it was I was thinking about. But now i have a nifty blog to keep track of everything.
Even with that kind of beginning there really isn't anything particular going through my mind right now. I'm just sitting in flyer's room next to my girlfriend, as she adds "in my pants" to the end of book titles. It's my last night in the halls of the freshman dorms, at least as a freshman. It's really making me think about this year and how I've grown. I'm maturing, something I didn't really think was possible. I've realized this year that all of the praise and faith people seem to have in me is actually well placed. I have never really been all that confident in myself and the faith and confidence everybody seems to have in me always seemed to bother me. I'm really not that great, I'm decent at track and i survive school but as far as I can tell that's it. There are plenty of other people who are faster than me and more dedicated than me at track and there are surely smarter people. I mean the school I go to is full of future doctors and such. But this year I went through a lot weeks where there literally weren't enough hours in the day. With track, my fraternity, applying to be an RA, friends, and a set of engineering classes with quite the workload, that really is quite an accomplishment. I know other people went through the same thing or something even worse, but for me it was tough. I not only survived but came out better than when I started. I have good grades, easily a 3.5, I'm a second away from qualifying for nationals in the 400 hurdles, and I'm an official brother.
All of this has shown me that maybe all the faith people have in me really isn't unfounded. I'm not saying like I was depressed about how pathetic I was before, but now I can walk with my head held high. I may not be the best at everything but I am decent at a lot. I can manage to deal with a lot of work along with sports and a social life and survive quite well. I'm going to need it next year as an RA but i feel I'm ready.
Well I'm going to stop blogging now and spend time time with my friends before we all have to go. My mom will be here tomorrow morning and I'll be leaving. She hates when I mention her, but I'm especially going to miss my girlfriend. I'll survive and all but it doesn't mean I won't miss her and everyone else. Well off to spend my last night in the halls of the building where I've made so many good friends. It's not the end of the world, but it is one chapter of my life I'm sure as hell going to miss.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Even with that kind of beginning there really isn't anything particular going through my mind right now. I'm just sitting in flyer's room next to my girlfriend, as she adds "in my pants" to the end of book titles. It's my last night in the halls of the freshman dorms, at least as a freshman. It's really making me think about this year and how I've grown. I'm maturing, something I didn't really think was possible. I've realized this year that all of the praise and faith people seem to have in me is actually well placed. I have never really been all that confident in myself and the faith and confidence everybody seems to have in me always seemed to bother me. I'm really not that great, I'm decent at track and i survive school but as far as I can tell that's it. There are plenty of other people who are faster than me and more dedicated than me at track and there are surely smarter people. I mean the school I go to is full of future doctors and such. But this year I went through a lot weeks where there literally weren't enough hours in the day. With track, my fraternity, applying to be an RA, friends, and a set of engineering classes with quite the workload, that really is quite an accomplishment. I know other people went through the same thing or something even worse, but for me it was tough. I not only survived but came out better than when I started. I have good grades, easily a 3.5, I'm a second away from qualifying for nationals in the 400 hurdles, and I'm an official brother.
All of this has shown me that maybe all the faith people have in me really isn't unfounded. I'm not saying like I was depressed about how pathetic I was before, but now I can walk with my head held high. I may not be the best at everything but I am decent at a lot. I can manage to deal with a lot of work along with sports and a social life and survive quite well. I'm going to need it next year as an RA but i feel I'm ready.
Well I'm going to stop blogging now and spend time time with my friends before we all have to go. My mom will be here tomorrow morning and I'll be leaving. She hates when I mention her, but I'm especially going to miss my girlfriend. I'll survive and all but it doesn't mean I won't miss her and everyone else. Well off to spend my last night in the halls of the building where I've made so many good friends. It's not the end of the world, but it is one chapter of my life I'm sure as hell going to miss.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
And the End is Here
So I'm sitting here in my room at college putting away my stuff and it's just now setting in that I'm actually leaving in a few days. Don't get me wrong, I really miss home and it will be great to be home with my family and crazy friends, but I'm really going to miss this campus. It's taken the whole year, but I've really found my group of friends that I really want to hold on to. There have always been those friends throughout the year that I know I'm going to be friends with for a long time. This includes lumber, bro down the hall, all my track buddies, my fraternity brothers, my 3rd floor therapist and quite a few others, but now I've really found a group of friends that want to hang out a lot more and really keep in touch over the summer. It's kind of sad that we're all leaving now but better late than never. We shall see a lot of each other next year; we'll make sure of it.
I was going to try and keep this entry a little more bloggish and a little less "I think too much about the past" but oh well, what can you do. This reminds me a lot of how I used to be, although over a smaller period of time. I was always the really hyper and happy kid who everybody heard of and knew and was friends with. I was happy with that for a long time, but trust me it has its downsides. I mean I had tons of friends and was really well known, but I wasn't really especially close to too many of them. My weekends consisted mostly of sitting at home and reading, watching TV, playing video games, and/or looking after my sisters. I tried not to think about it too much and it didn't really bother me until I started actually having issues. I'll admit, I have been extremely lucky throughout my life. I like to complain about some things and about how I deal with a lot, but the truth is that I have never really been in all that much trouble with much. But whenever I did have problems I realized I really didn't have anybody to talk to. My mom is way too busy, I don't particularly feel all that comfortable talking to my brother about these sorts of things, I don't think he'd really take me seriously. My dad doesn't live with me so it's hard to really talk to him, although I talk to him more than I used to. Talk to my step dad ... yeah fucking right. And my sisters have their own stuff to worry about, plus they're my younger sisters I'm supposed to comfort them right? So in the end I would sit in my room and deal with it. I'd bury it and forget about it. And yes I do realize this is a bad idea and I wouldn't recommend it.
So even though it sucked I was fine and really didn't let it bother me. Then came the junior girlfriend thing. I won't go into too much depth here but basically I thought I finally had a group of friends and someone I could talk to. As it turns out, she couldn't really be there for me when I needed her and our friends were more her friends than mine. So I was left alone once again except this time much worse. Everything that had been bothering me for awhile had come out and there was no putting it away. I was emotionally distraught and had nobody to turn to. This went one for awhile and everybody was worried. I'm never upset in public, and I was quiet and clearly upset for a few weeks, Things could have gotten much worse if it weren't for the therapist and the soccer bully. I randomly called the therapist one night looking for someone to talk to and she was willing to listen. She talked to me for quite awhile even though we really weren't the best of friends. After that she invited me to hang out with her and the soccer bully. I'm not really sure how it happened so fast but they brought me back from the brink of hell and made me better for it. We became the best of friends and are now inseparable. Things continued to improve as I found a close group of friends who I am really close to today. We call ourselves the Sunday night bowlers and you all know who you are. So thank you to all of you, and especially my therapist and the soccer bully. You all helped me find myself and I am a better man thanks to what you all have done.
And now here at college I have done the same thing, although with more groups it seems. The main group I hang out with these days are the 5Sauces but everyone else is included. I love you all and will miss every last one of you over the summer. I've talked with some people and they seem worried about losing touch with friends through the summer and next year. All I have to say is don't worry, the friends that matter will never let go. As far as I'm concerned, you guys are stuck with me for life. I may live on the opposite side of the campus from all of you but you will hear from me, frequently. Don't worry so much about losing those you are close to and enjoy yourself. We will be here no matter what happens. True friendships only need a single call to revive them. So though I won't see all of you as much as I would like, I'll be waiting for that phone call to bring me back.
Keep in touch buddies, although I'm not gone yet. You'll never get rid of me so stop worrying.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Monday, May 4, 2009
Is it Worth it?
For some reason recently I started considering something that always seem to cross my mind. By nature I am a really nice person, I don't like hating or hurting people and avoid it as much as I can. I also go out of my way to help others, even if it means postponing what I what in the process. Now I like to believe that it's just my nature, but in the end it's really just a choice. Everyone has the possibility to become exactly who I am. I think that part of the reason I do this is because I've seen a lot of people that only look out for themselves and lots of people that need someone but nobody cares.
One obvious example of this is my step dad. Now I don't like hating people but he pushes my limits. Day in and day out all he does is complain. The kids don't do this, the kids don't do that, why don't you do more around the house. He doesn't care about anybody in the family, except his own kids of course. The fact that he does this just makes our lives that much more annoying. I refuse to become like him. If I ever do anything like that I swear to god I would tear myself to pieces. The one thing that really gets to me are selfish assholes who have no consideration for others. I don't really feel like going in depth about this because it'll just piss me off but it's pretty self-explanatory anyway.
Because of that hate I dedicate myself to becoming the complete opposite. I wholly dedicate myself to others and their well being. At home I put up with most of the bitching from my step dad. He always seems to be in a bad mood and enjoys yelling at someone. So I let him yell at me. I really don't care and what he says has no effect on me. I know I help out more than he does and that his declarations of my laziness and irresponsibility really have no truth to them. So every week he comes in my room and rants for a half hour about about how we are the bane of his existence, he leaves, and life goes on. I don't like being yelled at every week but if his yelling at me keeps him from yelling at my sisters and my mom then so be it. I'll do more chores, again and again if he deems them unworthy, if it means saving the others some work. I don't bring it up to my mom because it'll just start arguments. So I just take it all in and get it done. I'm not as fragile as people may think and I can, and have, handled a lot throughout the years. I guess you could call me the peacemaker in the house and it worries me that I'm away now. It may seem kind of conceded to think that things would be worse with me gone but track sis has told me that things actually are. I can't wait to go home and lighten the mood a bit. And hey, after my first college track season I actually have muscle. He's never actually dared try and hit us before but he has threatened once or twice. I'd like to see him try now, I'll put his ass through a wall.
Anyway back to the point of this, I always wonder whether living for others is really worth it. I've been told that I'm too nice for my own good and that one of these days I'll have to start looking out for myself. I've honestly thought that same thing so many times. As much as I love seeing others smile and seeing them get what they want don't I deserve to get what I want too? For the longest time I had doubts about whether or not I would in the end get what I want. I feel better now that life is pretty much as good as it has been. One of the biggest things I've never really been able to get is a girlfriend. I had a gf at the end of my junior year but that was it. And as much as I enjoyed it I don't think she ever cared as much about me as I did her. Once again my caringness went awry. I care too much and I get shafted. Oh well, life moves on. And now after all this time my personality has finally payed off. I stuck around and cared about someone long enough that they actually feel the same. And this time I do believe she actually cares back. No offense to junior gf, but I care more about my current girlfriend than I ever did her. And she's actually willing to be there for me, so thank you babe. You've shown me that in the end everything will work out the way it's supposed to, and yes therapist you were right in the end. And not only do I know have a girlfriend but everything else is going well. I've survived a really tough semester and I may somehow come out with a 3.76 GPA this semester. I got 7th at our conference meet in the 400 hurdles as a freshman despite a strained hamstring at the beginning of the year and annoying shin splints the rest of the year. On top of that I have a job as an RA next year, which will be quite fun. So all in all life is good, no scratch that life is fantastic.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm officially able to forget about the sentiment that nice guys finish last. It's true it may take us longer to get to the finish line but the journey is more worth it. Through all the annoyances and heartbreaks I'm stronger than ever and thriving like never before. I'm happy with being the nice guy and will never change. It may be tough at times but it's not a bad thing to care, and so I will. If anybody ever needs a shoulder to lean on or an arm to hold them up, you know where to find me. I'm here to stay and won't be going anywhere, unless you need me to of course.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
One obvious example of this is my step dad. Now I don't like hating people but he pushes my limits. Day in and day out all he does is complain. The kids don't do this, the kids don't do that, why don't you do more around the house. He doesn't care about anybody in the family, except his own kids of course. The fact that he does this just makes our lives that much more annoying. I refuse to become like him. If I ever do anything like that I swear to god I would tear myself to pieces. The one thing that really gets to me are selfish assholes who have no consideration for others. I don't really feel like going in depth about this because it'll just piss me off but it's pretty self-explanatory anyway.
Because of that hate I dedicate myself to becoming the complete opposite. I wholly dedicate myself to others and their well being. At home I put up with most of the bitching from my step dad. He always seems to be in a bad mood and enjoys yelling at someone. So I let him yell at me. I really don't care and what he says has no effect on me. I know I help out more than he does and that his declarations of my laziness and irresponsibility really have no truth to them. So every week he comes in my room and rants for a half hour about about how we are the bane of his existence, he leaves, and life goes on. I don't like being yelled at every week but if his yelling at me keeps him from yelling at my sisters and my mom then so be it. I'll do more chores, again and again if he deems them unworthy, if it means saving the others some work. I don't bring it up to my mom because it'll just start arguments. So I just take it all in and get it done. I'm not as fragile as people may think and I can, and have, handled a lot throughout the years. I guess you could call me the peacemaker in the house and it worries me that I'm away now. It may seem kind of conceded to think that things would be worse with me gone but track sis has told me that things actually are. I can't wait to go home and lighten the mood a bit. And hey, after my first college track season I actually have muscle. He's never actually dared try and hit us before but he has threatened once or twice. I'd like to see him try now, I'll put his ass through a wall.
Anyway back to the point of this, I always wonder whether living for others is really worth it. I've been told that I'm too nice for my own good and that one of these days I'll have to start looking out for myself. I've honestly thought that same thing so many times. As much as I love seeing others smile and seeing them get what they want don't I deserve to get what I want too? For the longest time I had doubts about whether or not I would in the end get what I want. I feel better now that life is pretty much as good as it has been. One of the biggest things I've never really been able to get is a girlfriend. I had a gf at the end of my junior year but that was it. And as much as I enjoyed it I don't think she ever cared as much about me as I did her. Once again my caringness went awry. I care too much and I get shafted. Oh well, life moves on. And now after all this time my personality has finally payed off. I stuck around and cared about someone long enough that they actually feel the same. And this time I do believe she actually cares back. No offense to junior gf, but I care more about my current girlfriend than I ever did her. And she's actually willing to be there for me, so thank you babe. You've shown me that in the end everything will work out the way it's supposed to, and yes therapist you were right in the end. And not only do I know have a girlfriend but everything else is going well. I've survived a really tough semester and I may somehow come out with a 3.76 GPA this semester. I got 7th at our conference meet in the 400 hurdles as a freshman despite a strained hamstring at the beginning of the year and annoying shin splints the rest of the year. On top of that I have a job as an RA next year, which will be quite fun. So all in all life is good, no scratch that life is fantastic.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm officially able to forget about the sentiment that nice guys finish last. It's true it may take us longer to get to the finish line but the journey is more worth it. Through all the annoyances and heartbreaks I'm stronger than ever and thriving like never before. I'm happy with being the nice guy and will never change. It may be tough at times but it's not a bad thing to care, and so I will. If anybody ever needs a shoulder to lean on or an arm to hold them up, you know where to find me. I'm here to stay and won't be going anywhere, unless you need me to of course.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Who am I?
Oh boy, my first update ... how exciting. Well I was thinking a lot yesterday about this whole blogging thing and why I really wanted to do it. It started as just a suggestion from a friend, who we can call bro down the hall, heehee aren't nicknames fun? Well anyway, I started because he had urged me to but now it's more personal. There's always been a side of me that I keep hidden from all but my closest friends. I mean some people get a glimpse every once and a while but for the most part I'm just happy go lucky runner kid. And with this whole blogging thing I can say how I feel and have always felt. I can get it out and say it once, and those who are reading this will know me that much better.
I feel that blogs are usually ways for people to anonymously talk about things without the fear of them being revealed, but I suppose I must disagree. I've already told a few people about this and I hope they read it regularly. Some may find it strange that I tell people where to find my anonymous blog but this is more of a medium to say things that I could never say in person. Honestly, I hate pity. If I told people in person how I feel I'll get these looks of pity and I don't need people worrying about me. As far as I'm concerned, that's my job. I put up with the crap and look after others, I don't need them worrying about me. Poeple won't accept help if they think I need their help. So here it is, my medium to tell the world who the real me is. If you care then read on and hopefully you'll appreciate what I do even more, although lots of you have already told me you do.
Well other than me supporting my blogging I figured I'd take this entry to introduce a few of the more important characters in my life. Taking a page out of bro down the hall's book, I'll give some people nicknames. Well one of the most important people, who I honestly don't shut up about, is my girlfriend. It's not very creative but I think girlfriend fits nicely for her. I know she hates the whole "title" idea but it works best here. And on another note, she's touchy about me spewing my heart out about her so I'll have to avoid doing that too much. Although now she's going to be touchy that I said that. Well let's just say she's a very touchy person ... mmm kinky. Next on the list are the disney freaks, the therapist and the soccer bully, maybe I'll call them by some disney princess names at some point. They are my best friends from back home, besides the best friend that is. They helped me through a rough time and now we are basically insepereable, more like they won't let me go. I'll tell you that story some other time. And then there is the best friend. He enjoys insulting me and popping my ego, what there is to pop, but somehow that all makes me feel better. He isn't one of those friends I can go to and spew my heart out to, but honestly I don't need to. He understands me a hell of a lot more than most people and I don't even know why. Just hanging out with him makes me feel better and he doesn't have to say a thing. It's great and I can't wait to pester him and his family over the summer. And then there is the track sis, the dance sis, the twins, the step sis, and the bro. My family, my life. The names are relatively fitting, although I know they each do a lot of the same things.
There are others but this entry is getting long enough as it is. I should warn you now that my blogs entries are most likely always going to be long. I like to talk as it is, and there is a lot I never say. I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings that I'm just going to let out. So bear along with the story of my life and of my soul. I have nothing to hide and perhaps airing out these shadows is what I need. Life is good, perfect even, at the moment and it's a good time to think back at what has led me here. As my mom says, I'm growing into a responsible young man. I don't know about the responsible part but I suppose I am becoming a man, finally. But what makes me who I am? This will be just as fun to find out for me as it will be for you. I never write down the things I think so here we go, the book of me.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
I feel that blogs are usually ways for people to anonymously talk about things without the fear of them being revealed, but I suppose I must disagree. I've already told a few people about this and I hope they read it regularly. Some may find it strange that I tell people where to find my anonymous blog but this is more of a medium to say things that I could never say in person. Honestly, I hate pity. If I told people in person how I feel I'll get these looks of pity and I don't need people worrying about me. As far as I'm concerned, that's my job. I put up with the crap and look after others, I don't need them worrying about me. Poeple won't accept help if they think I need their help. So here it is, my medium to tell the world who the real me is. If you care then read on and hopefully you'll appreciate what I do even more, although lots of you have already told me you do.
Well other than me supporting my blogging I figured I'd take this entry to introduce a few of the more important characters in my life. Taking a page out of bro down the hall's book, I'll give some people nicknames. Well one of the most important people, who I honestly don't shut up about, is my girlfriend. It's not very creative but I think girlfriend fits nicely for her. I know she hates the whole "title" idea but it works best here. And on another note, she's touchy about me spewing my heart out about her so I'll have to avoid doing that too much. Although now she's going to be touchy that I said that. Well let's just say she's a very touchy person ... mmm kinky. Next on the list are the disney freaks, the therapist and the soccer bully, maybe I'll call them by some disney princess names at some point. They are my best friends from back home, besides the best friend that is. They helped me through a rough time and now we are basically insepereable, more like they won't let me go. I'll tell you that story some other time. And then there is the best friend. He enjoys insulting me and popping my ego, what there is to pop, but somehow that all makes me feel better. He isn't one of those friends I can go to and spew my heart out to, but honestly I don't need to. He understands me a hell of a lot more than most people and I don't even know why. Just hanging out with him makes me feel better and he doesn't have to say a thing. It's great and I can't wait to pester him and his family over the summer. And then there is the track sis, the dance sis, the twins, the step sis, and the bro. My family, my life. The names are relatively fitting, although I know they each do a lot of the same things.
There are others but this entry is getting long enough as it is. I should warn you now that my blogs entries are most likely always going to be long. I like to talk as it is, and there is a lot I never say. I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings that I'm just going to let out. So bear along with the story of my life and of my soul. I have nothing to hide and perhaps airing out these shadows is what I need. Life is good, perfect even, at the moment and it's a good time to think back at what has led me here. As my mom says, I'm growing into a responsible young man. I don't know about the responsible part but I suppose I am becoming a man, finally. But what makes me who I am? This will be just as fun to find out for me as it will be for you. I never write down the things I think so here we go, the book of me.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Begin the Revelations
Well I've never really done anything like this, blogging and all, but at the behest and example of some of my friends I've decided to give it a try. I'm a college freshman, although soon to be done my first year in a few days, I run track and in general I'm a really hyper and outgoing guy. Now I suppose the first blog is most usually a little intro but I might as well jump into the deep stuff....
Everyone sees me as the constantly happy, smart, athletic, lucky guy who never seems to get upset. Truth is ... that's a far shot from who I am. I have to work my ass off for everything and it pains me that nobody really sees that. I come form a family with six little sisters and a lot of extended family as well. I am extremely lucky because my mom is a goddess. I know a lot of people may say this about their moms but honestly my mom is more than anyone could ask for. She takes care of all eight of her kids, me my sisters and my one older brother, while working a full time job and making sure we get whatever we need. She loves us so much that even if we really can't afford it she will make sure we get what we want. Because of that a lot of my cousins, in their 20's and 30's, say we are spoiled and don't really have to work for what we get. I worked my ass off in high school to get a 4.3 GPA, break eight high school track records, get second in states in the 300 hurdles, and to get into a damn good university. Nobody really sees that, outside of a few of my siblings and best friends.
One of the happiest moments of my life to date was at a family reunion this past summer before I headed off to college. I was helping my cousin carry stuff from her car and she stopped me. She said, "I want you to know that all of us are really proud of you. We know you've worked hard to achieve all that you've done. You've always worked hard and always seem to help out." That's not exactly what she said but close enough. It really opened my eyes that maybe I wasn't as looked over as much as I thought. It helped me gain more confidence and such, knowing that my family really did respect me as more than just the goofball of the family, although I am still that.
That seems to be happening again here at college. It's not like people think I'm spoiled or anything, but everyone seems I just get along without doing a lot. The truth is that I work my ass off day in and day out to get where I am. I had track practice 2 hours a day 5 days a week for almost this entire year. With that kind of time consumption I barely had time to do my school work and study. I've been more stressed out this year than I have ever bee in my life. But of course nobody knows that, I hide my feelings because I feel like it's my responsibility to always be upbeat. I am the happy kid, if I'm upset than what does that say for everyone else? What hope do they have if the constantly happy kid is upset? And so I hide me true feelings and tough it out. I want to throw out a thank you for those who have seen the upset me, for the ones who were willing to put up with my complaining and my laments. there aren't that many of you but the ones who saw through my charade are now my closest friends. This includes my girlfriend, but you'll get a separate entry yourself. But for now I'll just say that you have made me happier than I have ever been. I am so thankful for you and everything you have put up with from me despite your own problems.
So to all of you out there who call yourselves my friends, I just want you to know that there is more than just the surface layer of me. I am a pool of shadows, and there are secrets that I believe I may now have the medium to let out. So if you follow this blog you will get a better look into who I am and why I do things. Maybe you already have a glance into who I am and maybe you've just scratched the surface. Well either way, you will get to know me pretty well.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
Everyone sees me as the constantly happy, smart, athletic, lucky guy who never seems to get upset. Truth is ... that's a far shot from who I am. I have to work my ass off for everything and it pains me that nobody really sees that. I come form a family with six little sisters and a lot of extended family as well. I am extremely lucky because my mom is a goddess. I know a lot of people may say this about their moms but honestly my mom is more than anyone could ask for. She takes care of all eight of her kids, me my sisters and my one older brother, while working a full time job and making sure we get whatever we need. She loves us so much that even if we really can't afford it she will make sure we get what we want. Because of that a lot of my cousins, in their 20's and 30's, say we are spoiled and don't really have to work for what we get. I worked my ass off in high school to get a 4.3 GPA, break eight high school track records, get second in states in the 300 hurdles, and to get into a damn good university. Nobody really sees that, outside of a few of my siblings and best friends.
One of the happiest moments of my life to date was at a family reunion this past summer before I headed off to college. I was helping my cousin carry stuff from her car and she stopped me. She said, "I want you to know that all of us are really proud of you. We know you've worked hard to achieve all that you've done. You've always worked hard and always seem to help out." That's not exactly what she said but close enough. It really opened my eyes that maybe I wasn't as looked over as much as I thought. It helped me gain more confidence and such, knowing that my family really did respect me as more than just the goofball of the family, although I am still that.
That seems to be happening again here at college. It's not like people think I'm spoiled or anything, but everyone seems I just get along without doing a lot. The truth is that I work my ass off day in and day out to get where I am. I had track practice 2 hours a day 5 days a week for almost this entire year. With that kind of time consumption I barely had time to do my school work and study. I've been more stressed out this year than I have ever bee in my life. But of course nobody knows that, I hide my feelings because I feel like it's my responsibility to always be upbeat. I am the happy kid, if I'm upset than what does that say for everyone else? What hope do they have if the constantly happy kid is upset? And so I hide me true feelings and tough it out. I want to throw out a thank you for those who have seen the upset me, for the ones who were willing to put up with my complaining and my laments. there aren't that many of you but the ones who saw through my charade are now my closest friends. This includes my girlfriend, but you'll get a separate entry yourself. But for now I'll just say that you have made me happier than I have ever been. I am so thankful for you and everything you have put up with from me despite your own problems.
So to all of you out there who call yourselves my friends, I just want you to know that there is more than just the surface layer of me. I am a pool of shadows, and there are secrets that I believe I may now have the medium to let out. So if you follow this blog you will get a better look into who I am and why I do things. Maybe you already have a glance into who I am and maybe you've just scratched the surface. Well either way, you will get to know me pretty well.
Until next time, Shadow out :-D
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