Regrets ... Kinda

I've never considered myself a judgmental person. I mean I have no problem with any race, disability, sexual orientation, or anything else that people usually tend to be judged by. I get to know people and usually end up forgiving them for their shortcomings. I always follow this, call it a code of conduct if you like, it's just one of those things I live by. But there is one glaring example that always seems to annoy me. I always try and justify myself but in the end I really am just passing judgment when I really shouldn't. Trying to force myself to feel emotions I usually avoid or ignore. I don't hate. It's not that I can't, I just don't. Someone may annoy me but I won't hate them. It's just that way I am. Hate is just too against all that I am and I avoid it or ignore it when it should be there. And yet in this one example I seem to be forcing myself to hate. I know some of you have heard me complain about it before, but I'm talking about my step dad and my step sister.

This forced feeling isn't some deep rooted hatred about replacing my father or anything, he's just a dick and she's a brat. Now as true as that may be I think that for years I have blocked myself from feeling anything but hate towards them. He does tend to make life hell for me and my siblings, but is that really any reason to hate him? The hell I speak of is what ... more chores? How horrible. He has no right to take out his annoyances on us but that doesn't mean I should hate him. He doesn't beat us or curse at us or anything. He does tell us we're lazy and that we make our mom do too much and that she's "going to have a heart attack one day because of it." Although when he said that he was really annoyed at something. I don't think I ever really gave him a chance. I tried to listen and change to make him feel like I was making an effort to help, which I always did, but he never noticed. And so I just hated him. Being away from home I think has helped me mature and get a better look at things. I think it did the same thing for him. Now that I'm back we both seem different. He's still not ultra friendly or anything but he hasn't really went off on me or anybody that I saw about anything. Maybe he resolved a few issues or maybe he realized that I/we really did/do do stuff, whatever it is I've realized that I have no reason to hate him. I don't think I can ever truly manage to love him, as harsh as that sounds. He isn't my father and has never acted like a father figure. I really don't think he wants to be and that's fine, but he does deserve my respect whether he really deserves it or not. Maybe it's about time I grew up and just stopped being a little kid hating his step dad. I don't really regret how I acted or felt, but it's just not necessary anymore. He was an ass to us but I think he had some of his own issues to work out and he is getting better. So away with childish hate and away with judging, haha always a good idea in my book.

One thing I do regret is how I acted towards my step sister. Another example of pointless hate. Yes she was kind of a brat and a bitch, but aren't most teenage girls. I never really gave her a chance and never really bothered to try and get to know her. That could easily be why she was always a brat to me. She didn't bother respecting me because I ignored and avoided her. It was a stupid thing to do and I do regret it. The good thing is that it's never too late, especially with family. I talked with her this past weekend and it was nice. She seemed to miss me and all and we had a talk about my girlfriend, which she apparently didn't know I had. I think she has matured as well, which really helps, and she seems to be someone I can get along with better. So I'm looking forward to giving her a chance and actually getting to know her. I don't know if she will read this or if I even want her to. But either way, I'm sorry. I was childish for hating you for no reason but I do regret it. But if you do read this please don't bring it up with me. It's hard enough to admit that I've been a retard all this time but I really don't feel like actually talking about it. Haha childish again but I'm not really into the whole opening to family thing. Anyways sorry for the way I've acted.

Well sorry for the long post but it's something I've been thinking about and something that's been bothering me. So thanks for bearing with me.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D