So Many Expectations and So Many Doubts

Well I've been very bleh lately and thought that perhaps blogging once more would help me sort it out. I have slightly given up on blogging because of all the things people seem to be expecting of me lately. They expect me to act a certain way and expect that because they read my blog or because I trust them with some things that they know me. There is a lot more to me than people think and my blogging gives some of them a false sense of knowledge. Yes this is me, this is what I think and how I feel but there so much more to me that people seem to assume about. Even people who I think know me surprise me sometimes with their ignorance. They call me deep and thoughtful and yet think that they can somehow predict my life and choose my actions. I'm growing tired of all the expectations people throw on me without realizing it, all the hopes and fears they think they know and can understand. Well sadly enough, they are wrong. I hide things I don't want to talk about and just because I am open about a lot of things does not mean you know everything. Me smiling when talking about somebody does not instantly mean I'm hiding some crush. When I say no I don't know what you are talking about or that I don't care, guess what? I'm telling the truth. There is not some hidden meaning behind everything I do and if I'm not talking about something then there is most likely a good reason for it. If I want to talk I'll come to you so STOP DIGGING!!

I can't seem to live my own life these days. It constantly feels as though all the expectations of what I will do are controlling my life. Ignore that fact that those choices are indeed the ones I would make, but they are MY choices to make, not yours. If you think something is good for me then let me find that conclusion myself and for the love of god don't claim that something I have done or that the choice I made was your doing or that you knew it was best for me from the start. Congratulations! Who gives a shit. This is My life and these are MY choices, leave them be. I will live MY life the way that I choose. I am tired of people assuming they know me. I am open yes but you do not know everything so stop thinking you do. I talk things out to feel better not to get opinions. I like sounding boards, not judges who tell me the verdict and what I must do. Does someone like me and you think we'll be good together! Good for you, now that you've told me stop asking about it, stop telling me what she thinks, stop throwing little hints, stop asking questions. If I want you to know I'll tell you and if I want to know what she thinks I'll ask. I'm not dumb and can always tell when people are hinting at things or trying to make me talk about stuff. The people I enjoy talking to the most are the ones that listen, nod their heads and let me live my life. If I'm making a mistake then fine, it's mine to make and you'll just have to be there when it falls apart. If it's going well then smile and give me a pat on the back. I don't need encouragement and I don't need advice, unless I ask.

It just seems that as soon as there is any hint of something going well or something going bad I have people leaping down my throat. If I'm not smiling then something MUST be wrong, it's Ty he can't be sad. And yet when I deny it they just jump further and further down my throat and piss me off, which of course only convinces them that something must be wrong. If I'm angry then I'm mad at something, of course it's not them that's pissing me off ... The same thing happens when things go well. I enjoy congratulations and well wishes but when I've known a girl for 2 weeks and everybody wants to know every detail. Well guess what, there are none, I barely know her. This is where the expectations of everybody kicks in, convincing me that I should feel a way that I don't. Convincing me that since things are going well then they will continue to do so and that nothing will go wrong. Well seems I was wrong again. I'm tired of feeling like my life isn't mine to live, feeling like I'm only walking down the paths that people gave me. Even if it's the direction I would have chosen myself eventually I need to make the decision on my own, how else am I going to feel like I'm doing what I want and not just doing what everyone makes me feel like I should? I recently made that mistake and it sucks, and I don't want it happening again. People need to learn to leave me to live my own life and I just need to learn to ignore people.

Expectations and pressures are very real and it seems rather dangerous. I need to break free of what others want me to do or want me to feel and just figure out what I want. And there's the problem, I don't KNOW what I want. I'm trying t figure it out but it's tough when people keep trying to get involved. Every little thing I do or feel does not have to act like a firework to everyone around me. I'm just another guy trying to find out what I love in life. Perhaps when the crowds of people clear from in front of my face I can finally see what I truly want rather than where everyone is trying to lead me. I'll find my way and make my own decisions in the end, I hope, but things would be so much easier if everyone would just leave me be and stop prying. For once I'm trying to keep things to myself, so shut up and just watch from the sidelines. Cheer or boo for me if you do or don't like my choices but realize that they are MINE to make and that what you think really doesn't matter.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Blooga Blooga

So I've been thinking that I should blog more. That plus the fact that someone is interested in reading more of what I write has made me come to the decision to try and do this regularly. Normally I just kind of write whenever I feel the need to, which unfortunately usually means I just write when I'm miserable or giddy for some reason. So I am now going to try and update this thinga-majigger every Friday/Saturday.

Alright so this post is titled blooga blooga mainly because I really don't know what to say. I mean I'm happy, and I like it. I'm living with friends of mine on the track team this year and it's great. We play lots of Mario Kart, Settlers, Guitar and basically any other random activity we can think of. It's a pretty big change from past years when I've either lived in a freshman dorm with people I've never met or ... in a freshman dorm with people I've never met. I became good friends with people on my floor/in my building both years but there's something about starting already settled in. It has allowed me not to worry about what to do when I'm back in my room, it has been "Home" right from the start. That may have also helped my little break out this year with meeting new people (or in the this case mainly a new person). With classes being manageable, track in its pre-preseason stages and me already feeling comfortable in my suite I just kind of went for it. I met someone who I thought was really nice and basically said "whet the hell?" I don't usually try to get super close to people I just met but she had me intrigued and there really was no reason not to. Best ... choice ... ever :-D Things just sort of took a hold of things themselves from there and that's my main reason for being overly happy.

Things are looking up, and I like it. I have no reason to complain about anything really, even though I still do anyway. Life is just kind of coasting along and getting better as we go. A nice girl, great friends/suite mates, time to hang with my fraternity brothers and just the feeling of a great year. I had been wondering this summer how well my Junior year was gonna go and well ... I'd say question answered :-)

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

To the Future

So I'm writing this post now part because I want to write about recent stuff and part because I was told I should post. So here I am sitting in my bed at 1:30 in the morning with a smile that never seems to go away these days. I'm ... happy. Not like ok, not like somewhat good or a little better. I mean that I feel better than I have in awhile. Sure I've felt this way before but it's different. Before there is always some dread or fear creeping in, some thoughts that are poisoning an otherwise very happy mind. I seriously can't think of anything to be worried about. Classes are classes and track is track, but I actually have something to look forward to.

I can't really explain what's going through my mind because honestly, even I don't understand it. I'm still reeling from the impossibility of it all. On top of that I'm not even worried about mentioning it here. I'm pretty sure that most everyone knows how I feel at this point, especially her. Do I know where it's going? No not really. Do I really care? Not really (ok that's a lie but you know what I mean). It doesn't matter where it's going because we'll figure it out, one way or another. All I know is that in the matter of two ridiculous weeks I've most certainly found a great friend, but also .. more.

So this post is really just a toast to life and the future. I'm never really the most optimistic person so I might as well take advantage of it while the feeling lasts. To a future that is a mystery and yet has me looking forward for once with hopeful eyes not shaded by what I'm afraid will happen. Haha a toast to Bunnies and Rainbows.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

So Restless

So it's happening again, the restlessness. It's been awhile, perhaps because I've been surrounded by friends and work all summer but now that I'm back at school it's different. Sure I have friends all over the place but everyone has their own plans and their own work to do. Somehow I don't have that much to do which is nice but scares me all at once. I need a lot to do or I won't concentrate. It's almost as though I have ADD until I'm so busy that my body adjusts and just takes over, getting everything done on less sleep, more strain and longer practices. I function best when I'm pushed to my limits. It's strange but I love it. It's almost as if my body automatically knows when I need to be at my best and just goes into overdrive. It happens with track too, now that I think about it. I do ok in practices but not nearly as well in meets. Perchance it's the atmosphere or the pressure of wanting/needing to win but my legs just don't die, until the meet is over at least. I find myself pushing myself and going faster than ever before just when I need to. The same thing happens with work (job, tests, HW, etc.)

I guess it's not just that there's nothing to do that's got me restless but also the fact that I just can't do anything about certain situations. I have found my self in the oh so common bind of having to watch what I say on here, but I just seem to be unable to take steps i the direction I want to. Most of it has to do with my principles and not wanting to hurt friends, even if it would get me what I seem to need so badly. I always do that, complain about what I want but don't have and yet when I'm given opportunities to remedy that I'm unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary. Doing so would change who I am, which is perhaps what I need to do to fix things, but that would be against the point so I won't. Ugh I'm starting to feel the need to run or something, either that or read, or play video games, or maybe I should give doing work another shot. We shall see.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Just talk to me ...

Such a simple thing to want, to wish and hope for. I sit in front of my computer with programs open for the sole purpose of hoping she'll talk to me. I can't talk to you because I do that too much already and I don't want to be intrusive. I don't want to push or pressure you in any way because I already know it's a lost cause ... I knew from the beginning. I'm tired of hoping and believing things and people will change, and despite the fact that I know it won't work I'll hold on. Even if it's only because I know the only other choice is to let go of how I feel, I'll hold on to you even when you won't hold on to me. I say I'm tired of all this and yet I do it again and again. If people won't change then maybe I should, but that's something I refuse to do. This is me, whatever "this" is, and even if it will make things work it wouldn't be me anyway. So I wait and hope you talk to me. You're on right now, I see it ... but do you notice me?

Until next time, Shadow out

I'm tired of being alone, whether that means failing to truly foster a close enough relationship with anyone in particular or just feeling alone even when surrounded by friends. These aren't really new feelings, quite the contrary, but I seem to be feeling these things more often as time goes on. Why is it that the closer I get to people the more keenly I feel the gap in our relationship? I have awesome friends at school whom I've gotten close to and miss quite often while home. When I am home I have one of the best groups of friends you could have. We decided this summer to hang out with each other as much as possible, and even though I'm involved with work (or the ride there) for 10 hrs a day I still manage to see them 4 or 5 days a week. We play soccer 2 days a week, volleyball usually another day and a barbecue or cowboy karaoke night on Fridays. I love it, I really do, and I feel so much closer to all of them. I wouldn't have it any other way and yet by getting to know them better I am starting to see and feel gaps I would much rather ignore. There have been fun developments between various people with crushes and people possibly starting to date soon and even a crush of my own. The closer I feel, the larger the gap I seem to find.

I always feel loved and a part of the group, and yet there is always this feeling of being ... different and apart somehow. I'm aware this is mostly in my head, but sometimes I wonder how seriously people take me. I'm always labeled the crazy, awkward flirt which isn't really a bad thing. I mean I am crazy, awkward and I do flirt a lot but it's always hard when I wonder if my closest friends take me seriously. It's been really hard when I've fallen for one of the girls in the group. It's also even harder when she doesn't ever seem to be interested in dating in well ... anyone really, and one of her closest friends is telling me it's a bad thing I've fallen for her. I realize I can't do anything about it but I can't just up and drop how I feel (all of you should know that). So I've really limited myself to just possibly trying to talk to her a little more, through texting and such. Problem is, she doesn't seem all that interested in responding. She did respond and it looked like we were going to talk about some stuff that was more than just casual conversation but then she just stopped responding. It's happened a few times, so maybe it's more than just her phone acting up. I really like her and all but there is nothing I can do about it, and I suppose this is the main reason for my feelings of being alone and apart from everyone. No matter what I do or try I'm just the flirty friend, I guess. Maybe that's not how they view me but it's the only reason I seem to be able to think of for this huge gap I don't seem to be able to bypass.

I feel alone, and once again have no idea why. It's normal so nothing to worry about, but I wish I could just manage to get close to someone. I really just want to bridge this gap and feel like I'm more than just "that friend."

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Read Up

Read up everyone :-D

New Blog

Promises

So unfortunately it seems that I am letting people, and myself, down this summer. I ensured myself that I would do certain things and I really haven’t gotten around to them. This bothers me and I’m sorry to those I have been letting down.

I pride myself on never making promises I don’t fully intend to keep. If I ever break a promise I can ensure you that I feel absolutely horrible about it, even if it’s something as simple as reminding you of some small event. I have beaten myself up about that in the past and will most probably continue to do so in the future. The promises I am referring to are simple ones I told myself and others that I would fulfill this summer. The main one that I have been annoyed with myself about is a video blog I’m supposed to be keeping up with my friends. I promised I would make a video, which was ruined by first my computer dying and then my vacation. Those aren’t really even proper excuses; there are other ways I could have done it. Now every time one of the others posts a video I get really angry at myself for being so lazy, and of course every time I remember I’m at work (which does take up a lot of time so that is one proper excuse … sort of). I promise guys, a video is coming. Things have a tendency to slip my mind, which you know, and I tend to get really tired and lazy when I’m home. I’m not skirting this on purpose; I really do enjoy it and want to keep it up. Perhaps I should start setting an alarm for myself to do it … Anyway, I just wanted to apologize to you guys. You’ll hear me do it again in my actual video :-( but it is on its way.

I’m also not running much this summer, which I told myself I’d do. I’m not as bummed about that because I don’t usually run as much during the summer but this summer I’ve been playing soccer twice a week, so I should still be in decent shape by the time preseason comes around. The last unfulfilled promise that I am currently thinking about is that alternate blog I mentioned before. That is on its way as well, I might actually start making it once I’m done with this.

I truly do intend to keep the promises I make and even though these are slightly trivial I still feel bad. I will fulfill these promises soon so keep your eyes open!

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Where to Go From Here

Well it has been awhile since I blogged so I suppose I should update folks. Well I’ve been busy for awhile since I last put something up. I’ve kind of been fed up with girls so I was complaining about that but believe it or not there are actually other things happening in my life. I failed to mention this in my last couple of posts but I finished the track season only .6 away from qualifying for nationals in the 400 hurdles, which is pretty dang sweet. Especially with all the hamstring issues I had throughout the season, so I’m quite happy. I wish I could have made it this year but hey I’m only a sophomore, I’ve got two more years and I’m only going to get better.

On another note, I’m working this summer (thank god). I was so bored last summer when I had way too much time on my hands and now I have very little. I’m working at Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Labs for the summer doing materials science chemistry stuff. It’s really nice to actually be doing engineering related applications rather than just reading a book, although I do a lot of that too. So I work from 8:15 to 4:45 every day with an hour drive in and another hour out. So I’m tired and busy but it is absolutely great J

Now I’ve actually been pushing around a certain idea in my head. I’m not particularly completely happy with the direction my blog has gone in. I mean I like being able to just put stuff out there but I have found that I am hesitant to give the url out all that freely. I’m probably a little too introspective and considering I talk a lot about relationships it just gives a very strange view of my mind. The people that read this are the people that know me best and therefore I really don’t worry about what I put here because I know none of you will care. In your minds I am just Ty and that will never change. You all accept me eccentricities and crazy ideas as well as the very awkward way I act and think a lot. So thank you all for that but I think I want a more public outlet. I think I have some interesting views on life and I want to share them. I like to think that I am very good at evaluating people and the things they do. It might be fun to start another blog where I just kind of talk about life in general. Nothing too deep or thought out, just me rambling about things that cross my mind. I could even take requests from people, answer questions about my opinions on different things. I have a very open mind and don’t really get offended by anything and I’m very honest. If you want to know something then ask, just because I don’t usually talk about certain things doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion or don’t like them it just means I don’t feel the need to spout my opinions all the time. Like religion for example; I am actually pretty religious, it’s just a personal thing. I don’t go to church and sermons and I don’t thank God for every good thing that happens to me but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe. I give thanks and pray for help when I feel it is necessary but it’s a more of a personal choice and need rather than what others tell me is necessary.

Anyways, let me know what you think! I may just go ahead and start if I get really motivated about something, maybe I’ll even write about a little “project” I started recently if there are any actual developments. It’s an interesting idea but who knows what will happen. Well you better get back to me on this or I’ll be very cross with all of you ;-)

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Opportunities

Opportunities, bleh. That word holds so much hope and yet so much dread, at least for me it does. The word opportunity gives hope for the future and what could be. I see opportunities every day, whether it's to talk to a cute girl, take a good job, get to know a friend or to just do something I love. I live my life looking for opportunities and enjoy it when I find them. The dreaded aspect of the word comes from all my missed opportunities. Thinks I could have done or should have done and didn't. I am a very introspective person and evaluating all my decisions comes with the territory. Thinking about what I said and what I did drives me nuts but it has also helped me understand myself a lot better than I think most people understand themselves. The topic on my mind is, no surprise here, girls. There have been a lot of stuff going on in the last few weeks that you can excuse my constant abuse of the subject. Even though the situation has not been ideal I think I am slowly starting to understand my mind and why I do things the way I do, and why I'm an idiot.

So long story short I thought I had a girl (was close at least) but I was wrong (it happens) and now she has a boyfriend (yikes). Now usually I freak out (did that) and hold onto my feelings for a long time, but somehow this time i didn't. I remember my last situation which ended like this and trust me, it wasn't nearly as pretty. Perhaps it's the fact that I actually have closure, that the girl was honest with me and actually told me what was going on (go figure). Even though she has a boyfriend now we are still going to be good friends and I can see that they are good for each other. She's happy, she's not being stupid with me, I know what's going on ... so I moved on? I really have no idea how it works but my feelings are kinda sorta gone. I mean not totally of course, I'm not a cold-hearted bastard, but they aren't at the level they were before. I still feel slight pangs or whatever but more for, here we go, lost opportunities than for any other reason. On top of thinking about lost opportunities with her I have been noticing other lost opportunities. There are always great girls who like me and I never notice. I complain so much about things not working out for me when all I have to do is open my eyes and close my mouth. How is some girl going to feel comfortable telling me how she feels when every other word out of my mouth is about another girl? The correct answer is that she won't, and so she'll never tell me and when I realize how big an idiot and a douche I am I get to add a few more lost opportunities to the pile.

So of course I've been thinking (not usually a good idea) and I think I've cracked away a bit more of how my heart and brain like to work. Bottom line is, I like the feeling of liking someone. Call me a flirt, a pimp, a player, an asshole or just a lovesick puppy dog, it really doesn't matter. To me love and relationships are one thing in my life that are different. They give me excitement to look forward to beyond the monotony of everyday life. It's something you always have to work at, good or bad, and it's a lovely break form the norm. Now with me this causes me to have a list of what I call "possibles." I haven't really told all that many people about this concept and the names truly are secret, mainly because even I don't really know who they are. It's not a list really, more a feeling that I have for certain girls. There are girls I would date and then there are girls I can actually see myself dating. I mean I would date Heidi Klum, but seriously? There are girls I think are gorgeous and great but know it will never happen. Then there are the others, girls I think are gorgeous, fun to be with, and actually have a shot with. Now "actually have a shot with" is loosely defined as "it could happen in this universe," not like I'm assuming anything. Anyway, there are a lot of girls, mostly people I am or have become close friends with, that there are possible feelings with. I am very good at not falling for someone if there is a good reason not to (say she has a boyfriend or that she is quite literally one of my best friends), but when said girl might show possible interest then those feelings appear quite easily. They're not fake, and it's not like I'm waiting for approval to have these feelings, it's just that my relationships with people aren't static. People always comment that I don't give people a chance to show me how they feel, all I'm trying to say is "try me." You never know how someone can truly feel until you let them know in some way. Oddly enough, this is kind of what happened with the earlier mentioned girl. She didn't really realize she liked this guy until he told her he liked her. I mean that's not perfectly true but it's close. She started dating him after that. Just like that her eyes opened to what she didn't realize she could feel.

Relationships will never happen if you never give them the chance. If you like someone and are afraid they don't like you "in that way" then try them. Show them an inkling of how you feel and see what happens. If they don't then what's the difference than before? People always balk at taking chances and say they're afraid what will happen if they don't feel the same. I'll let you in on a little secret idea that helps me through things like this. You're always so afraid and think of what will happen if they don't share your feelings. Well think on this, what if they do?

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Secrets

Secrets are a very interesting topic for me, to be honest I hate secrets. I am a very honest person and I try not to keep secrets. As a personal law of sorts, I don't lie and I don't keep things from people unless absolutely necessary. If I feel something about someone I tell them. Perhaps it would be better if I held myself back a bit but I don't like to. If someone is going to accept me I want them to accept me for all of what I am. Yes relationships are for getting to know people but why should you not know what you are getting into from the start? I think being so honest and forward has gotten me into trouble quite often, probably one of my biggest issues with all the girl stuff, but it's who I am. Whenever I make comments about how being so vocal and obvious with my feelings is causing problems people suggest I hold myself back and moderate how I feel. True that would probably make things better but I honesty don't know if I can. I like showing people how I feel, I'm honest and don't care who knows. I realize I'm the source of any problems I may have but if I'm saying that this is how I want to be perhaps I should stop whining and just accept what I knew would be the result.

The one thing about secrets I hate are the ones people keep because they"didn't want to hurt you." In my mind that is a load of bullshit. Not telling someone you know has feelings for you that something is starting between you and another guy is just dumb. So you don't want to hurt him huh? Well let me ask you this, what would hurt more: him hearing from you, the one he cares about, that you like someone else and that you are sorry or him driving himself crazy speculating about what is going on and eventually either making crazy accusation, hearing it from someone else or just finding out on his own. When that happens you get the whole "What the hell is going on?" and then you have to defend yourself and give your "I didn't want to hurt you" speech and in the end just pissing him off. This has happened to me so many times and I still don't understand it. How is keeping something that huge from somebody you apparently care about helping them? Is it helping him get over it, no. Is it helping him to deal with the situation, no. Is it going to make him feel in any way better about the suckiness of everything if you delay it, no. He's going to find out eventually so just freaking tell him. Yes I understand it's hard and that knowing you're going to break someone's heart is tough, but it's better to break it with your own hands than have him shatter it on his own. Of course I always start wondering "how long?" after that happens. How long were you trying to hide it from me? Do you really think I'm that weak or that petty that I can't be told? If you don't share my feelings fine but if you supposedly care about me at least as a friend don't I deserve that much? I'd like to think so but hey, that's just me.

Until next time, Shadow out

Love

What is love really? I'd like to think that I have the ability to love a lot of people, some more than others now and again, but I'm really starting to wonder if I know what the word means or whether or not it's worth my time caring so much. I'v seen countless indifferent individuals get into relationships that they honestly don't give a shit about. I've seen people get into relationships that they feel "meh" about. So why is it that every time I feel like giving my entire heart and should to someone I never get so much as an "I'll give it a try?" I understand that that most likely wouldn't go very far but am I at least allowed to try? Can I at least be given a chance? Or am I destined to try and fail, paving the way for someone else? I get close to people, get them to open up, make them feel like they can trust me and other people. It's what I do, I build relationships and I'd like to think I build people. I try to make every person I meet into a better, more open person. It works, it really does. The only problem is that every fucking time I cannot get past friend or confidant. You're awesome! Any girl would be lucky to date you! I really want to like you! I would date you! I'm not good enough for you... You'll find someone better. I'm just not the one. Bullshit to all of that. Those are the things I hear constantly, about how I'm the "perfect boyfriend" about how everything i do is so amazing and makes people feel so good. Yes I enjoy hearing that and yes I enjoy making people happy but I really am getting sick and tired of being stabbed in the back and stepped on every step of the way. All I seem to do is make people more open to relationships and open the door for someone else to waltz in and make her happy. I can count 4 times that this has happened within the last 3 years. I'm a fucking miracle worker, woohoo.

Honestly, I'm getting tired of all this. I'm tired of pouring everything I have into something only to watch it be taken by someone else. I'm always in 2nd no matter what I do. No matter who it is, there will always be at least one more person they care about more than me, one person who has managed to walk through that door into her heart. No matter how good a friend I become I will never be that guy. I'll survive, it seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Yes I realize I should do more than survive, and trust me I've tried. I won't give up, I'm too damn stubborn for that.

It stinks that this is what defines me in my mind. I can't think of myself without thinking of failure. I realize that's not what other people see but people can't always see everything. There will always be shadows of me that people can't see and that I can't get rid of. They are as much a part of me as my over-sized and seemingly cursed heart. I am what I am and have never claimed to be any different. I live my life the way I want to, and through all the pain and the heartaches I am the man I have always seen myself being. I am the guardian, the shield against pain to those who are willing to hide in my arms. I am always there, no matter what you think you've done to me. I am the friend, the confidant, the jokester and the runner. These are what make me who I am. I wish I were the lover or the boyfriend but we can't all be everything now can we? If my lot in life is to succeed at everything but at getting a girlfriend then I should consider myself lucky. I am what I am and that will never change.

Until next time, Shadow out

How Exciting

I foresee lots of pain and trouble in the future, it's going to be fun ... :-/

Just a Little Short

Well it has once again been awhile since I have updated, but I have an excuse this time! Ok well only sort of. Life has been quite hectic. Since my last post I've dealt with failing tests, not running a race for a month and then when I did run again being told that I couldn't run the hurdles. Everything semeed to be falling apart in one way or another and it was quite dreadful. I avoided blogging because I figured none of you particularly wanted to hear me complain about track, class and girls day after day. So I just sucked it up and moved along.

Now that the year is coming to an end, I'm done my finals in two days, life seems to have realigned itself. Classes are annoying but I'll survive, track is no longer imploding but rather trying to make up for it's previous lacking. I got 2nd place at our conference meet in the 400m and almost won the 4x4 ... if only that guy from Chicago hadn't clipped my heel down the final straightaway. Oh well, things are better considering I am now staying a few extra weeks to try and qualify for nationals in the 400 hurdles. It also seems that girls are once more confusing haha. Things may not always be what I'd like them too but that won't stop me from enjoying what I have. Seems to be my life motto as of late. I suppose I'm tired of putting so much energy into something only to watch it fall short once I get close to what I want, but considering it happens a lot (exaggerated statement of course) I've gotten used to settling for what I can get. Everything else always seems to go well regardless of what I do so I guess i should count myself lucky that this is the only real issue I have.

I truly am luckier than most and I always feel guilty for complaining about such a trivial thing. I mean if someone told you, "Hey I started hanging out with this girl a lot and now we're like the best of friends and I feel like I can tell her anything!" Would you consider that a failure? I don't, not really, but it's always a disappointment when you can't get things to turn out the way you want. Another great friend, yay?! Sometimes I really do think about things too much, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't now would I?

Well I suppose that's enough lamenting for one day, I've got two more finals to worry about along with closing the buildings and a few track meets (hopefully including Nationals). Good luck to you guys on your finals, if you have any left. Summer will be here soon and I will have lots of fun stories from Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Labs so I'll actually try posting somewhat regularly.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Tired...

So it's been awhile since I last posted. I've been pretty busy lately, lots of ups and downs, so it's been hard to really sit down and pour my thoughts out. Haha now that I'm here I realize once again how difficult it really is to just write what I'm thinking. I know people who read this and of course I hate spreading stories and such that could be taken badly so I will refrain from telling them. I suppose it is about time for another life evaluation, haven't done that in awhile. With everything that has happened recently I've been thinking once more about my personality and how I've chosen to live my life. I really don't regret it but I guess you can just say that I'm tired. Tired of trying so hard to make things work until that fatal moment when I realize it was all for naught. I'm just so sick and tired of pouring so much of myself into everything I do even when I know it's a futile effort. I mean it's who I am and I love it but it also sucks.

You have no idea how many times I've heard "You'll find the perfect girl." But honestly, if every person I talk to says that how am I ever going to find her? And what is it with my obsession with attempting to find someone to date? If I date someone I want to make sure I know her and that it will really work, I won't date just for the sake of dating. Therefore I pour tons of time and energy into trying to get close to someone until they decide to reject me. Sounds depressing but that's just the way it is. I always seem to end up with another close friend that I can talk to about anything, but as great as it is to have so many great friends I wish I was able to make that jump to something more. However close I get to someone I always know that somewhere along the line there will always be someone closer to her than me, and it really does break my heart. Some part of me seems to need that one person I can honestly just pour my soul out to and not be rejected because of it. I'm honest and caring, probably too much so, and it gets me nowhere. It's rough but i won't change. I'm sick of saying it, but when the day comes and I fond someone who is willing to let me close and won't up and leave me I'm going to be the happiest guy you will ever meet. I know that day is a long day off and perhaps always will be, but that won't stop me from trying. I'll survive all the heartbreaks because of all those close friends/past failures and of course because of track.

Despite all this emotional crap I seem to wrap myself in I am really coming into my own in track. I ran a 48.9 split in the 4x400m and coach has high hopes for me in the 400 hurdles. The school record and the national qualifying mark are both around 53.8 and that is a doable time for me. So much pressure and so much excitement, enough that I can just immerse myself in it once more and be just fine. Things kind of suck right now but hopefully it'll turn out for the best in the end. I hate having to pull away from people, however necessary, and it's only going to make me miss her more but by the end of it I should have my mind back in friendly Ty mode and will stop assuming people feel something they don't. Well I think that's enough moping for now.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Here We Go

So the outdoor track season is finally here, and along with it all of the expectations and hope I get every year. As much fun as running 400s are my real event is the 400 hurdles. I may be in the top group in the 400 but with the hurdles I'm even more so and I even have a chance of qualifying for nationals. I realized that my best time from last year (55.45) was less than 2 seconds from the school record and about the same amount of time form the provisional qualifying time for nationals. So it seems that my goals this year consist of placing well at conferences, breaking a school record, and qualifying for nationals. If I got any one of those things I would be ecstatic so we shall see how the season goes. Along with the outdoor season comes a severe lack of weekends. I have one free weekend from now until April 26, and I'm already trying to make plans for the one free weekend I have. So it's going to be one busy season but let's hope it pays off in the end :-)

So until next time, Shadow out :-D

Pressure

Why is it that life must be full of so many pressures; do good at school, make lots of friends, be happy, succeed yadda yadda yadda. It seems that no matter where I turn there's some new pressure that I must deal with. I understand that's life and that we wouldn't ever get anywhere if there weren't things challenging us and forcing us to become more than we are, but sometimes I wish I could just sleep and rest. I wish I could just for one day put everything behind me and just live for the sake of living. I'm so tired, and I know many others that share the sentiment. ... Now that that is off my chest :-) I actually wish more for others that they could get a day of rest, I know plenty of people that have it worse than I do; people that are excited when they get 4 or 5 hours of sleep :-\ and constantly have work that needs to be done. Wouldn't it be great if there was a snow day from life. Hahaha just one day where we could all just hang out and do nothing, just one day would be nice.

Now besides all the complaints I seem to have about pressures and the things that tire me out in life, I actually appreciate everything that pushes me day in and day out. I mean they're what make me who I am. Who would I be if my mom didn't scold me day in and day out to better in school? Would I be going to one of the best schools of engineering in the country? Probably not. You can't forget the biggest pressure in my life ... track. The center and love of my life as well as the bane of my existence. You have no idea how many times I have stayed up in the middle of the night unable to sleep because a big meet was on the horizon. It's so great that I've found something I love that I happen to be quite good at, but with great power comes great responsibility (cheesy I know) and with those abilities come the expectant eyes and the almost demanding look that I win every event I'm in. People don't do it on purpose, I mean it's mostly my own mentality. When people expect something of me, however unreasonable, I push myself not to let them down. With that in mind perhaps track wasn't the best life choice, I mean there are a lot of good runners out there and my body can only take so much. Yet despite that every time my coach looked at me in high school and told me I could win the race ... I believed him. I think it was his trust in me that really gave me the trust I now have in myself. I know that sounds very cheesy and all that but it's also true. I wasn't exactly confidant in myself in high school and track really helped shape me into who I am today.

I look back quite fondly on my high school track and field days. It's comforting to think about every time my coach told me that the entire meet was resting on the 4x4 (the last event of the meet that I always ran in) he had absolute confidence that the meet would be won. And every time the meet came down to the 4x4 the race came down to me ... the anchor. In high school I ran 4 races every single meet and finished the day with the 4x4. The 4x4 is a grueling race, the 400 itself is one of the toughest races to run but throw in the fact that it's the last event and you're tired, that the entire meet rests on the shoulders of you and your teammates. They would always look to me and every single time their game plan would be to keep the race close, keep it close enough so that when I got the baton I would be right up with the leaders and then it would be over. They somehow had enough confidence in me to assume that I would finish the race and win it for them ... every single time. And the exciting part is, I usually did. With the entire teams hopes on my shoulders how could I not? They needed me to win ... so I did, end of story. By this point I don't really have a problem with shouldering that responsibility, I've realized finally that perhaps their faith isn't as misplaced as I thought. I run track for a reason, it's what I was born to do. Thanks to my high school coach and track team I believe in myself a hell of a lot more, and for that I am quite glad :-)

Now what brought all of this to the forefront of my mind? That would be the conference meet I have in two days ... two days, wow that's close. I'm running 3 different races and I could be in a total of 5 races throughout the entire two days of the meet. That's a lot of pressure for one meet, especially since my coach is expecting me to score in all of them. In case you didn't know scoring means getting in the top 6 or 8 of an event. So I'm supposed to run 3 races and get in the top 6 of all of them? Hell yeah, I'm ready. My foot hurts, my knee is sore, and my ankle was twinging yesterday but none of that really matters. I will run and I will do whatever coach asks of me, the team needs me and I won't let them down.

"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality."

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Steady Breeze

So yesterday I realized that I haven't made a post in awhile and that got me thinking about how life is going right now. Well first I want to say hello and welcome to any new readers, the one I'm thinking of is the one that got me thinking about how I haven't posted in awhile. So welcome and I hope you enjoy finding out all about me, from what I've been told it's quite fun :-) So on to other things ...

Life is good right now, really good actually. Everything seems to be going my way, in a more consistent way rather than obnoxious good luck, if that makes any sense at all. I mean classes are going pretty well and I only have one test and one quiz standing between me and spring break, which doesn't actually mean much for me considering the fact that I'm going to be here for track the entire time, but i'm not really complaining. Oh and my birthday will also be over spring break, I will no longer be a teenager, how exciting. So track is going well along with everything else. It sucks up all of my time and exhausts me on a regular basis but I wouldn't have it any other way. Because of track my social life consists of study parties in people's suites after practice, although some more than others :-) It kinda stinks that I don't see people that regularly but I chose to run track because I love it and because it's who I am. As I am so fond of telling myself recently, "I was born to run 400's." It makes me feel better before races and it makes me feel as though I am fulfilling some sort of purpose in my life. I don't get money from doing track, I don't get any extra accolades, all it does is take up time and energy, and yet without track who would I be? It's hard to imagine my life without track, without those two and a half hour workouts five days a week and track meets almost every weekend. i would have soooooo much more time if I didn't do track and yet I always laugh when people ask me why I don't quit. I can't explain it myself, or rather it would take way too much time to explain how track and I coincide. We''l just say that I am a track runner, it has made me who I am and will continue to until I can run no more.

Even though track is still the center of my life I find other things creeping in as well. I'm going to cut down on mentioning said things but let's just say that I have been very happy and content with how things have been recently. I am happy and content, more so than I have been in a long while. It's like having a steady breeze going through my sails. I still have to work my ass off of course but it doesn't require an abundance of extra energy to get things done, and I have found that I love it. I hope things continue as they are, or even get better. But rather than wishing for even better fortune I'm just going to enjoy what I have while it lasts.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Dilemma

So I seem to have found a dilemma tonight, and it has to do with talking to people. As most of you probably know, I have the tendency to just talk out what I'm thinking to people. It helps clear my head and it's nice to sometimes find that I don't sound as crazy as I may think. Now recently I haven't talked to a lot of my friends, which sucks but we're all busy and it hasn't bothered me too much. Now tonight I had this random urge to talk to someone, and yet I couldn't figure out who I wanted to talk to. I tried to see if I could call one of my best friends who is used to this but she has to get up at 5:30 in the morning so that's a no go. (Btw don't feel bad because you couldn't talk, it's nothing urgent my mind was just wandering). Now the strange dilemma comes from the fact that the person I always seem to want to talk to is one of the people that it would just be dumb to talk to. Now to clarify what that load of garble means, I really wanted to talk to this particular girl but the stuff that is on my mind has to do with her. Most of the stuff that I think about when my mind wanders centers on that and one way to make it stop wandering would be to talk to her, but that would be dumb for several reasons; the fact that it's about her is kind of in the forefront and then there is the fact that she as well has clinicals in the morning as well as being busy all other times.

I really do hate having to think about whether or not it is a good thing to talk to someone. I wish things could just be simple, then again I'm sure everyone wishes for that. Is it so bad to just want to talk to someone you feel close to? Well when it could be interpreted as being overly clingy and pestering someone who has no interest in you then I'd say that could be a yes. I want to get closer to her, which long random talks would help with, and yet by attempting to do so I could actually do the opposite. Kind strange don't you think? I could do the exact same thing with the afore mentioned friend and there would be nothing strange about it, it would most likely be appreciated. But I can't do the same with this one, which is a rather large pain in my toosh. I want to call so bad, and thinking about whether or not I want to call makes me want to call her even more, and then I think about how the conversation might go and how great it will be to hear her voice and I get even more excited ... and then I put down the phone having convinced myself that since I had texted her the day before it might be annoying for her to hear from me again for no real reason. Do I need a reason to call? My mind says yes but my heart says no, but of course I hold myself back for fear of worsening an already rather confusing and precarious situation.

The real funny part is that I don't even know what the situation is. I mean in one way it's an obvious bad thing and yet other actions hint that it's something else entirely. I just wish I could figure out what it was so that I can just pick up the phone and dial a damn number, is that too much to ask for? Can't really ask because that would defeat the purpose, can't ask others because that would once again defeat the purpose, and I can't just pick an option for the situation because I would either be erasing any hope I once had or condemning myself so to a completely rocky relationship. So the knife game it is, I'll walk along this razor edge as long as I have to. Although I really do wish calling someone could just be a simple matter, maybe I'll make it one and just call. Not now of course ... it is rather late. Anywho, I need sleep so buh-byes!

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Hope: Stupid or a Blessing?

Sometimes I really wonder, is the fact that I hope for the best and use that lingering hope to make myself think things are possible a blessing or just plain stupid? I mean people tell me that it's a good thing and that it helps me see the best in life and all that but it also seems to screw me over. I like to think that all things are possible but sometimes they just aren't. Perhaps there is a time to just let go, but I usually don't find it until it smacks me in the face. Ugggghhhhhh I just don't know. I'm in a situation where everyone is practically (but not really) yelling at me to just let my hopes go, that there are none and that it's over. But I really don't want to. People can tell me as much as they want that it wouldn't work out or that it just wasn't meant to be. All I have to say is bullshit! Sorry to those of you reading this who have said that, it really isn't meant as an insult and I do appreciate the fact that you are just looking out for my well being, but is anything in life really meant to be? Am I gonna walk down the street and suddenly go "Holy Crap!! That's it! She's the one!" You can never know your perfect match or whether or not something will work out until you try. You work at it, it doesn't just click. How much fun would a relationship be if it just clicked? I think it would be boring.

Sometimes you want things to happen so bad that you will hold on to even the smallest glimmer of a hint of a possibility that things could still work, or at least I do. It's pretty much hopeless, trust me I know, but I don't want to give up on it. Is it going to hurt me more in the end? Probably. Is it actually going to work out? Probably not. Do I care? Not one damn bit. I hope and I dream for things to go my way and most of the time they don't. Even though that is true I can't let myself give up on the things I want until it is absolutely apparent that I have no chance. I can't give up on even the smallest chance that it could work. What would I be missing out on if I assumed it was over and in fact it wasn't? I'll put up with a little extra pain if it means one day reaching the point where my hopes become reality. Is it worth it? Every god damn bit. I know what I want and I know what I'm missing and yeah it sucks at times, ok mostly all of the time, but how is it going to feel when I finally realize that my hope really is a blessing? Well I'll let you know when that day comes ... but don't hold your breath.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D