Relationships

Going through my facebook page earlier I found myself looking over the quotes I had posted. I always find it interesting to look at those, it seems to give me a good look into the different facets of my personality and emotions. I have this strange obsession with quotes, whether it be from songs or just ones I search for online. I'm sure many of you have noticed that my status is frequently some random quote that happens to represent how I'm feeling but don't really quite feel like saying. It's a way to express how I'm feeling without actually going into any details. The people who do know the reason behind the quote will know exactly what I'm thinking about and how I'm feeling while those who don't will just get an impression of my mood at the time. I don't really know what started my strange fascination with quotes, I suppose it's this idea I have that my words never express how I feel. I always seem to believe that the words of others express my own emotions in a way I could never do, that and it allows me to hide how I'm truly feeling.

People that have had serious heart to heart type conversations with me will know that my mind is a very dramatic and self sacrificing thing. When I share stories and emotions I'm feeling with other people it's always accompanied by some sob story about how it's better for them if I do this or that I'm fooling myself because how could they feel the same. I never know what I'm feeling or how I should feel. I'm a very emotional person and I fear for my relationships with people when I get extremely so. I overthink and overact when it comes to relationships, but it's just one of those things I learn to deal with. Things will happen if they're meant to and if people are supposed to stay in your life they will find a way to in the end. Relationships aren't so easily broken and if they are it's not like they should be mourned. Relationships, just like everything else we experience, shape our lives in ways we could never have imagined. Hell if the little love triangle crap hadn't screwed things up for me first semester I never would have found my girlfriend second semester. That went downhill and I'm still hoping to hear something from her, but I grew from that relationship, however short it may have been. It taught me something about myself that I can now try to fix and avoid in present endeavors. I have more hope that things will work out now because of things that happened with my last girlfriend. Yeah it sucked, but she taught me something, you will find the one that you belong with, people who want to be treated well will find me just as I will find them. You look for what you need, even if you don't know it. The relationships you find will be the ones you need, even if you aren't looking. And the ones that don't last are the ones you didn't need, some things just don't work out, so you move on.

Now back to the thing that started this long winded thing, one of the quotes I found on my facebook page is from a note a friend of mine wrote about relationships in college. I never really imagined him as the deep thinker type but his note struck me and really made me think. College is all about the relationships you make, about experiencing things help you grow into adulthood and shape who you are. They are what make things worthwhile while you are here and they are things that will follow you for the rest of your lives. Where did your parents meet? ... college. Who is your mom's best friend? ... her college roommate. Who does your dad drink with every friday night? ... his college buddies. Who are your brothers and sisters for life? ... your greek family. The relationships we build now will forever represent who we are and what we strive to be. Live life and just let things happen, they will come together when they are supposed to.

"College is about friendships, and the value of having new people in your life, people that will be there for you no matter what. It's about realizing your dream piece by piece, and class by class. It's about growing into adulthood, becoming a mature adult, hopefully. Above all however, I feel that college is about relationships, whether they be from sports, classes, or fraternities and sororities, the relationships you build in these places will be ones that last for years, and hopefully a few will last longer, being forever in your life and always there for you."

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Actions and Consequences

Wow it's been awhile, so hello again to all of you who actually read this. In case you're wondering, the reason I haven't really posted much is that life started to kick me in the ass a bit. For the last two weeks or so I've been doing nothing but work ... literally nothing. I mean occasionally I force myself to relax but I have gotten little sleep and actually had three tests on last Friday. So it wasn't too fun, but I survived and I suppose that's all that matters. Everything is good and I really don't have anything until finals week, which is rather nice. So here I am, breathing sweet sweet fresh air of freedom, something I really don't get to do that often. Homework to do? Well I'll put it off until tomorrow. Why? Because I can. I have one assignment to do this week and I can turn it in anytime before I leave on Wednesday, so I'll do it tomorrow morning. It's kind of fun not feeling guilty about that :-D So on to my newest rant/discussion, I'm trying to make these more my own style of brainstorming about things rather than dramatic life evaluations, figured it'd be more fun and less depressing to read :-P

Possibilities, something that I focus a lot of my life on. I recently took a personality test thing along with the rest of my staff, and by recently I mean a few months ago, and one of the things it told me was that my thought pattern centers around evaluating choices, results, consequences and possibilities. I found it kind of disturbing because that is what I do, I consider the possible outcomes of all my actions to make sure that what follows is best for everyone and not just me. Considering that this is how I think I always find it sad, but not really surprising, how many people do the complete opposite. It is alarming how many people there are in the world that do what they want only for their own gain. To me that is completely impossible. My body rebels against me at the me possibility of hurting someone's feelings let alone ruining their life. I would never even consider doing anything that would have such bad consequences, and yet there are people who cheat on their significant others, people who steal or break the law, those who cheat, ones who bully, there are people who taunt, insult, and deliberately make others feel like shit. If there is one thing that can really piss me off it's those people who have absolutely no care for what their actions do to others. The number of times I've had to comfort people because someone just felt like breaking their heart or crushing their friendship for no apparent reason is appalling, and I hate it.

This has nothing to do with anything that has happened to me recently it's just one of those things I think about. Why? It's such a simple question and yet it has such tremendous repercussions. Why would someone purposefully hurt someone else? Why would someone make fun of someone else just to feel better? Why indeed. I doubt people like that even consider that they are doing something wrong, and what's worse is that nobody even tells them. Every action has consequences and it is up to us to see what they are and try to minimize the pain to others. Just because what you are doing seems to be the best option doesn't mean it actually is. Think that what you are doing will make things easier one someone? Are you sure? Really think about the person and how they would react. It actually made things worse? Oops, my bad. It's those kinds of things that we should avoid. The next time you do something really think about who it's going to affect and how they'll react. You'll be surprised at the sheer number of possibilities that arise in your mind. Will you always be able to predict how someone will react? No but at least you're trying, and when they do react most likely you've thought of the possibility and it won't be a complete surprise. There is more to life than ourselves and what we want, everyone has a stake in this world and every extra thought really does count. If you don't see results form your extra efforts then so what. You know you are doing the best you can and it really takes a load off your shoulders. Everyone makes mistakes, it happens and sometimes choices go bad, but just because there is a possibility doesn't mean you have to make it a certainty. Open your eyes and really see what you are doing. It's scary sometimes I know, but it's better to face the truth of what you're doing than pretend everything is dandy.

Live life how you want, but know there are others living it too.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Hope

Title sounds slightly dramatic, but you can deal with it :-P Things are starting to look up for the first time this year. I mean it's not like things have been bad by any means, but I've really only been coasting along. I've been keeping up with work and doing what I need to and talking to people when I can. But now things seem to be actually coming together in more ways than one. Track is looking to be great this year, we have faster runners and our 4x4 should be pretty good. I'm seeming to be in better shape than last year and am on the lookout for any slight injuries that could give my season a bad start. Coach and everyone else seems to have a great amount of faith in me which is really helping my own confidence, I'm really thinking it will be a great year and of course I'll keep you guys posted here if I don't talk to you in person.

My classes are also starting to come together, I mean they're hard and all but I know what I;m doing and should be able to get pretty good grades this year even with all of the stuff I have going on. RA stuff is still going well, my residents are awesome and they make my job sooooooo much easier. Then there are other areas that are looking up as well, at least hopefully so at this point. Haha this one is for you kyle ... Ruth :-D I'm not gonna go into too much detail about everything else that is going well but here's a message for Tricia ... Bunnies and Rainbows!!!!!

I hope your guys' lives are looking up as well and BLOG!!!!!! I need more things to distract me.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Time

Ah ... time, something I seem to be lacking more and more these days. Time to do work, time to have fun, time to see my friends, time to even talk to them. I'm drifting away, and I know it ... and yet there really is nothing I can do to stop it. I've stopped worrying about it because i realize there is nothing I really can do to change things at this point. I'll take advantage of the opportunities I have when they show themselves but I really can't create opportunities, at least not on my own. Quite often I may overlook times when I might be able to visit mainly because I convince myself that I really can't afford to because i have work to do, but that doesn't mean I'm against a little kidnapping :-D I sometimes have more time than I think but also that's not very often.

I realized how bad it was the other day when one of the pledges of my fraternity asked if I would have free time for an interview. I was like ok I'll let you know when I'm back and able. So class at 10:30, 11:30, break for lunch and a bit of work (sometimes), class at 2:00, 3:00, track practice at 4:30 till 6:30, followed by dinner so trek back to the other side of campus and back by 7:30 or 8:00, then homework until 11:00 ... then I have time for an interview. The sad thing is, this wasn't and extraordinary day. This actually happens on a regular basis. And my weekends really aren't that much better. I'm on call a good bit and when I'm not I have most of my work to do do I either legitimately have no time or convince myself I don't. :-( Hahaha I'm actually not complaining for once, I mean it sucks and I wish I could see my friends but it's not like I'm writing this to mope. I guess I just have this fear that all you guys think I'm purposefully avoiding you when I'm really not. I'm swamped and I really don't see break until I get to go home on December 20th or something. Yeah I have to stay until the last person moves out ... ouch. So anyway, hopefully I'll see you guys around and if not feel free to hunt me down my schedule is pretty predictable.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Let Down

The title may hint at something slightly depressing, but it really isn't. I mean it kind of is for me but I doubt you guys will feel all that affected. So basically my first week of track has been a giant pile of fail. I tweaked my ankle on Sunday, I'm guessing at the IM football game but I kind of doubt it. Anyway, it got rather painful and swollen so I iced it and stuff. Now the unfortunate part is that track started that Monday ... oh shit. So I couldn't really run the first two days. I was able to do the ab workout yesterday (not like my anti-shank core really needs it ;-) ) and I was feeling great about running today ... but now I'm sick. It's not H1N1 for those of you who just gasped in worry, it's just a sore throat and stuffy nose, things that make running a tad hard. So Coach suggested I take the day off and we'll see how I feel tomorrow. Now i go home tomorrow for Fall Break and if I' still feeling under the weather my first week of track will include pool workout (fail), bike workout (fail), BEAR workout (it hurts), sick and sick (double fail).



So yay for track season ... Oh well it's the first week and I'm not all that worried. It's just kind of annoying to look forward to it wall year and then fail miserably when it arrives. Well I'll rest over break and be in tip top running shape come next week's practices. HOO RAH let's do it.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Oh Dear...

So recently I sent out the link to my blog and I am quite excited to hear that a lot of people are actually interested in reading it, oh boy :-) I have gotten some random comments such as "Less blogging more Jogging" from a track buddy and others that are more surprised about what I write about. One such person said she thought it would probably be the funniest thing ever ... not exactly. After she actually read it she said that she never knew I was so introspective, but that's the point of this blog now isn't it? Yet just because I'm trying to get thoughts out doesn't mean I can't put in a few amusing stories. I suppose I am known for being rather amusing, although in my opinion that's because I happen to be really random and I suppose my stories and comments turn out to be rather amusing. So in honor of that new found follower, think I'll tell an amusing story...

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (that means about 3 weeks ago on Earth/ 3rd floor Taft)... there lived an RA name ... Me. Well anyway, you all know I'm an RA and such on a boys floor. Well the 3rd floor of our building is the girls' floor and of course I spend a good bit of time there, I do like hanging out with girls. So there is one room I happen to spend a lot of time visiting and I'm even an honorary roommate, which is kind of strange considering I'm an RA and they added that within the first two weeks of school but I'm not complaining. Anyway, they enjoy poking fun at me along with everyone else I know and a lot of amusing stories usually crop up but I think this one tops the rest to date. So i was visiting the RA on that floor and just saying hello and all that fun stuff and she mentioned that on of the residents had told her a story that I would find amusing. i do love a good story so I decided to go find this girl and hear the story. Well I walked into her room, where I am an honorary roommate, to say hello and she and her other roommate were there as well. Well the other girl was in one of those comfy fold up chair thingies and she was texting with her back to me. So me being me, I decided to torment the poor girl and bopped her on the head with some rolled up practice tests I was carrying around.

So she of course yelped and told me to stop and I of course decided to ignore such a simple plea and bopped her again. Now at this point I was standing behind the chair, kind of hard to hit someone on the head from ten feet away. So after I bopped her the second time she decided to reach behind her and grab the papers. Now I don't know if she just has really bad ... distance perceptions? ... or what but she did not realize that I am 6' 1" and that the papers were about 3 feet above her head. Instead my hip was a little above her head and when her hand went back to GRAB the papers she happened to GRAB another target. Now for those of you who are not nursing, I know a lot of you are, the anatomy of the body I just described indicates that I was GRABBED IN THE CROTCH!!!!!! by one of the girl residents in the building. Now this was a rather momentous occasion, no not because I enjoyed getting to second base with a cute girl, but because it marked the I do believe second or maybe third time in my life that I have been awkwarded out. If I ever remember what happened the other times I'll be sure to let you in on the secret.

So lots of laughing and redfacedness followed and I slipped out of the room. I came back of course when my face returned to normal. Now you'd think that a story like this would perhaps stay slightly quiet, I mean a resident did just grab the RA, but no she enjoys telling everyone she knows the amusing story. I mean I don't care, I just didn't want stories going around. But she has a boyfriend so that helps clear up any rumors that may enjoy spreading, which they have not as of yet. So now every time I talk with her or her roommate they enjoy joking about the fact that she grabbed me ... oh boy.

So that is just about the most amusing thing that has happened to me lately, besides the having to tread using just my legs for half an hour ... although I suppose that's more painful than amusing. Well I hope you enjoyed the story, I may do this more often :-D I'll see you guys next time...

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Wish I Were There

Being on the opposite side of campus really makes me feel kind of alone. I mean I know I have friends on this side of campus and all but i feel like I'm missing out on so much when the people I really wish I could see are 20 min away. Not only do I miss seeing them but I feel like I'm not able to fulfill my duty as a friend to them. I talk to them of course, but not as much as I would normally would. And one of the biggest things that has been killing me lately is that I can't be there for them. I know life gets rough for a lot of people, and it is always easier with a shoulder you know you can lie on an cry if necessary. I really do know how hard it is to find a person you really don't mind completely crashing in front of and have always made myself available in that sense. And I know that currently a couple of my friends are having a rough time and and all I can do is say I sympathize, and what bullshit is that? I am a very "in person" kind of person. I need to be near people to express my feelings and really be there for them. It's one thing to say "I'm sorry you're upset" and a complete other to just open your arms and have them fall into them. I miss being able to do that, I miss being able to just sit there and let them know that they're not alone, that I'll always be nearby when they need me ... and yet I'm not. I'm across campus wishing I could help when all I can to is sit and hope they're ok.

I hate this, I really do. I hate wondering what my best friends are up to and not being able to find out. I thought before the year started that I would at least have a little free time to visit and catch up but I really don't. I've bitten off a lot this year and I'm surviving, but at what cost? I know I have an incredible faith in my friendships but I still worry. Will they still want me there? Will I still be that person to turn to? Or will I just be an old friend who they used to talk to a lot? It's not my intention to pull away or to never visit, but I just can't. As much as I want to my life just won't allow it, and it really is killing me. I'll survive as always but i wish for once I wouldn't have to. I wish that for once I could just live my life the way I want, unstressed and with those I love. But as always my choices keep that from happening. I'll just keep going and do what I can, even if it doesn't seem like enough.

So hold on guys, I'm still here ... just a little distant. Talking isn't as great as being there but I'll do what I can, you know I'm always there if you need me. And if you really need me don't doubt that I'll run across campus, what good is all this track running if I can't put it to good use?

If you ever find yourself upset or ready to cry just remember:

If you don't have a smile, I'll give you one of mine...

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

I'm Done

I’m done with trying so hard to hold onto something that tries so hard to just get away. I’m done holding back all these feelings that are killing me and making me lose sleep. I’m done hiding a broken heart and making excuses for someone who only seems to want to ignore me. I’m done caring, I’m done holding on. Can you tell that I’ve finally snapped? The anger is out; all the pain and sorrow that I’ve kept cooped up and off these pages are finally in the clear. I’m done trying to protect people’s feelings and look out for their well being rather than my own. If this pertains to you you should know it, and unless you don’t want to hear the blunt truth I suggest you close this window right now. This will be my first and only rant about this. I need to vent and talking just doesn’t seem to cut it, and writing it down where no one can see won’t help. I need people to know, I need people to realize how fed up I am with the way the world seems to work and how stupid peoples’ ideas are so much of the time.

I really do hate how all of this turned out. I’m of course talking about the breakup that happened over the summer. I know that shit happens and that things don’t work out, that has never been the issue. I’m not conceited and self centered enough to really thing that I deserved for things to go well, as they never seem to do. What I had thought I deserved was the truth. I hate people who feel the need to hide things or lie. There is absolutely no point in avoiding the inevitable. No it doesn’t make things easier on me, no it doesn’t make it easier to get over you, and it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel any better. I am done trying to hold on to our friendship, what little relationship we may have had left. I’m done looking out for you like you seem to hate so much. Congratulations, you’ve finally gotten your wish. I’m finally going to look after myself. For the first time in my life I’m willing to let someone walk away and do nothing about it. I’ve tried to talk, I’ve tried to reason, and I’ve tried to hold to some rationale that I shouldn’t hate you. But I really just don’t care anymore.

All I wanted was for my pain to be acknowledged, for you to tell me all of why you did what you did. I am sick and tired of people thinking that I can’t handle the truth. If you do something or have something to say then SAY IT TO MY FUCKING FACE!!!! If you want me to know what’s going on then call me up and give me a clue. I am not a baby, and for all your complaints that I worry about you too much you seem to enjoy attempting to coddle me. Those I heard the story from seem to think that you did all of this for my benefit, that it would somehow make it easier for me to move on, that it would be easier to handle the situation, that I would be better off being told you were too busy and then find out you have a boyfriend. I hoped that you at least cared enough to give me the truth, to tell me to my face why I’m being turned on once again.

I’ll admit it; you broke my heart, just like you always feared you would. Just because you broke it didn’t mean that you had to toss a little salt on my bleeding heart. It really hurts to know that you preferred to ignore me rather than face me and tell me what was going on. I don’t hate you for breaking up with me; I never did and never will. Life does what it wants and there is nothing I can do to change that. I would have moved on perfectly fine, am moving on perfectly fine. I just hate the fact that I didn’t merit an explanation, that I wasn’t worth one email of truth. As angry as this post sounds, I don’t hate you. Maybe I should, but I really don’t. At this point I’m just fed up with the way things have been handled. I have tried to be patient and give you time to decide what you wanted to tell me, but in the end you chose nothing. You chose to ignore me and let me wriggle in agony having no idea what was going on. I’m done, I do miss having you as a friend but I’m done trying to hold onto something you seem so bent on ignoring. I will always be here, but I’m done reaching out to people who just don’t care. If you call I will talk to you just like I always have, you are still my friend. But it’s all up to you now, your choice if we shall ever really be friends again. It takes up too much energy that I don’t have to devote to you anymore. For the first time in my life I am letting go completely and leaving everything up to you.

... Shadow out

Who Are You?

So I was thinking, as i always tend to do, and I'm kind of wondering who actually reads this. I know of a few people, it says they're following this, and then there are the others who comment on what I write. Then you have all these mystery people who know about it but I wonder if they check it at all. Some of my residents have heard I do and may have passed the word, other friends may have heard about it from other friends, and of course there are those who I know used to read this and now I am a little out of touch with. I hesitate to say a lot of things because i really don't know who will read them, and sometimes I wonder if I should just say "fuck it" and post it anyway. I don't of course, that would have way too big a chance to hurt people or push them away. So instead I sit here and wonder what will be safe to say. As open as I am in this blog about aspects of my life there are aspects I almost completely avoid. Some wounds really don't need the added salt.

So maybe I'll post a challenge to those of you reading this, send me a fbook msg, text, or some comment on this post. You can say something only i would attribute to you or just put your name. You can stay anonymous if you wish, but it might make this easier and more enjoyable for those reading if I know who actually cares enough to check on this frequently. So feel free to give me a shout out, or not, it's really up to you. But I am curious as to who reads this and look forward to at least finding out a few names. And if you know others who would find this intriguing then pass on the URL, I'm really not all that secretive. I am kind of self-conscious about it though and feel kind of self-centered telling people they should read, especially people who don't know me that well. But that is essentially the point of this blog, to shine a light into the shadows of who I am. So pass it on, share the love, I've got plenty to give. And if you're ever in the neighborhood and want what is now called a "Ty Hug" (they're quite the commodity ... who knew) please drop by. Most of you I probably haven't seen or talked to in awhile and I would love to get my arms around you. So stop on by, My arms are always open...

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Track

So I've actually been meaning to write about track for awhile now, I mean it's such a huge part of my life I should get around to it eventually right? Now everyone who knows even the smallest bit about me knows that I love track; that 2 hours a day 5 days a week I kill myself by running and lifting my ass off. But does anybody really know why? I mean some of you do I suppose, I have mentioned it before. It's actually kind of hard to explain. I mean it is probably one of the biggest time commitments and definitely the biggest commitment of energy. And yet going to practice is the highlight of my day. Despite the fact that a lot of times I get back to my room and can barely walk and the fact that when I'm working out I know I have tons of stuff to do. And yet I love it, more than anything probably (no offense guys)

So why do I love track so much? Well for starters, it's probably the one thing in my life I can truly be happy about. I run the 400 and the 400 hurdles, two of the toughest events in track and field, and I not only survive but i excel. People respect me for that and I'll admit it does feel good to see people's faces and hear their praise when I run. It's the one thing that I really can call my own, that none of my friends can really match. And going off the toughness of the events i do, it makes me feel strong. I mean honestly, I'm a skinny runt, and yet in my events it doesn't matter. I have the speed and the endurance to outrun those I run against. I don't really feel strong or superior than anybody all that often, so it's nice to have that one thing where I can actually say "bring it."

Now that I've gotten out the literal explanations it's time for the more insightful ones. Track really defines who I am. Track may seem like an individual sport, but it really is all about the team. Everything i do, very race I run is not for me, it's for the team. I like to believe that is why I am able to push myself so much and do so well. People need me, they need me to do well; so i do. The 4x400 meter relay is one of the most exhausting races, and it's also the last event. So basically everyone that runs it has already run several races, me included. I don't think I've ever really ran a 4x4 completely fresh. I'm always exhausted and I never quit. I have thrown up, wobbled to the line, gasped for breathe, couldn't feel my legs and many other things right before the 4x4, an I have always run it. I have always lead the 4x4 at the schools I run at. It's just the way it's always turned out. When I'm the fastest we have I can't give in, you kidding me? No matter how much pain I'm in or how shitty I feel will run, always. My team means way to much to me for me to ever do that. If they need me then I will run, end of story. It's nice to be needed, and nice to know that you can actually help. I love helping people, but a lot of times I can do nothing or they just plain won't let me. With track it doesn't matter. I can always help and the difference between me helping or failing is all dependent on what I give to it, and I always give it my all.

And then there is the "depressing" explanation, which I'm sure some of you will scold me for. Track is and always be the one thing in my life that has always been there for me, it is my anchor to sanity. No matter how much family or friends care they have their own lives to live. Track is always there, ready to comfort or to just let me run my feelings out. I can't really stay upset when running. When I put my spikes on and take off nothing really matters anymore. It's a comforting feeling to have something that you know will always respond to your efforts, that will always be there waiting. Track has never abandoned me, left me alone, or ignored me. It has never walked away because things are too tough or because it can't handle how I feel. It is the one consistent thing in my life; the one thing that I know will basorb every ounce of blood sweat and tears I put into it and give me results. Honestly track is my life, in more ways than one.

So a slightly funny story about what track means to me and what people expect of me. I was talking with a friend of mine about how stressed I was and how I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do that well in the conference meet. When I told her what I needed to do, what everyone expected me to do she just assumed I would do it. No doubts, no questioning. She said, "You know you'll do it, you always do. You love track and won't let yourself do bad." I found it amusing that she had such unquestioning faith that I could do it. And yet it assured me at the same time. I mean she was right, no matter how worried I may get, I'll always do what I need to. Not because I can but because the team needs me to. And on another occasion with the same person, I was talking about choosing between the 400 and the 400 hurdles. Now the hurdles are a hell of a lot harder but I could do better in the 400 sooner. When I wondered which I should choose she automatically said, "You know you're going to choose hurdles." Now why in the hell would I choose the harder of the two and the one that would take a lot more work to be Conference champion? And yet I realized she was right, I would stick with hurdles. It's harder and hurts like hell, but it's just one of those things I will always stand by. I love it, for no apparent reason but I do, haha and she always noticed those little things about me. Always trusting and always realizing things when I refused to do it myself.

Anyway, there you go. Track is my life and always will be. People will come and go, jobs will as well, and life will always rock back and forth; but track will always be steady and I will always be a runner. Even when my legs are too weak to run on I will always think of the feel of track beneath my feet and the wind in my face. I will even fondly remember the pure exhaustion after practice, the kind where you can barely stand. Haha the good old days I'll probably call them.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

First Impressions

I have realized recently how much I take advantage of the impressions people already have of me. I am a very exuberant person, most of you reading this should know that by now. I have realized that I really do not know how to control first impressions. As you know, I am an RA this year. Giving off first impression is a very important thing, but am I giving off a good impression? What do they think of me after knowing me for 3 weeks. I continue to make impressions on them. Recently I have realized that I am giving off a very strange vibe of myself. I have seemed very showy and full of myself. I like attention, that's a given, and I like to talk, another given. It just so happens that i combine those two in a way that could give off the wrong impression. I act that way all the time around my good friends, but that doesn't matter. They all know who I am and what I'm like, they know that I don't exactly have what you call high self esteem. So I make up for it with hyeprness. Around them it is perfectly fine, but around people who don't know me that well? ... who knows.

I guess I'm saying this because I'm afraid that maybe some of the residents this year think I take myself way too seriously. I guess I have show-boated ( no idea how that is supposed to be spelled) a bit more than usual recently, and some of the "joking" comments they make I worry aren't actually jokes. I'm talking with some of my residents and they mentioned that I went down to the third floor to show off. It sounded like a joke but do they really think that? I mean my friends from Tyler will laugh at this story because it is very Tyish. But I went downstairs without a shirt to talk to Julie about something. I always go around without a shirt, I like my body sure but i don't typically try to flaunt it (my abs don't count). But I guess to the residents it may seem like I'm showing off. I also seem to "brag" a lot. It's all in good fun of course but I must seem sooooooo full of myself. Once again, all my friends know I do this, but the new residents do not ... my bad.

Actually now that I think of it, some of the residents may even be reading this. I let slip I had a blog and of course I had to tell them what it was. So they read a post or two perhaps but if they actually bother to check up on it they may be reading this. Perhaps that's a good thing, then they'll know that I'm not as big a douchebag as I seem. Woohoo :-D This and the fact that I'm going to try and tone it down a bit ... if I can. Or at least stay on my own floor for awhile. My old habit of hanging on the girls floor is returning ... man I miss you guys. Idk maybe I'm trying to find some new people to hang out to make it feel more like last year. But they're residents and not people I can freely mooch off of. So we shall see how the year goes, and maybe I'll learn to act like an RA for once instead of the creeper I'm know, and apparently loved, as.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Who Am I?

So I just got the urge to blog about ... something. Usually when I blog it's because some emotion is running through my mind and I want to get it written down for you guys who care enough to read this. And this time is no different. I was actually thinking about why I blog, and how as well. I read some of my friends' blogs and they all seem to have some kind of writing style, some kind of purpose when writing. And yet here I am just rambling. Does my posting even mean anything? It's not particularly amusing, nor important, it's not even really a detailed description of what I do. I started to do this because I thought it would be nice to spread to some of my closest friends the innermost things I always think but never say, the things I hide and keep to myself. My first bunch of posts really were like that, deep and meaningful and they told things about me that I can almost guarantee none of you knew before you read this. But now, and recently before this, my posts don't really seem to have any point. I'm not providing a laugh, not addressing some controversial topic, not addressing any topic really, or even telling a story. I just open this up and ... type. Is this really interesting? Does it matter? Does anybody even care? Haha and to go even deeper to the real center of my thoughts, do I matter? Does anybody care? People always tell me they do and that I make a difference but i always find that hard to believe.

Everybody has a purpose, whether it's a divine fate or a destiny carved out by your own bloody hands. We all have one, and yet I can never seem to find mine. Or at least when i think i've found it I question it. Maybe my destiny is to question, to wander about hoping I'm doing the write thing and that what I do will really make the world a better place. I'm studying to e a Chemical Engineer, but what does that really mean? Is it really what I'm meant to do. I don't have some future goal or career mapped out like some people, I'm just wandering along hoping I'm on the right path and that it won't someday turn into a free fall. I've been asked before, jokingly, whether I'm really studying to be the right thing. That I'm so focused on helping people and that I'm so personable that I should be a doctor or something. Should I? Is that my purpose, or at least a better use of my time? It's kind of late now and I have no intention of backing down from the future I've chosen, but I always wonder. Would I have made a good doctor? Could I have made more of a difference?

It's not even just occupational things that make me wonder, it's life itself. I try to live my life for others, but is it really worth it? Am I even making that big a difference? Every situation or relationship I go into I always think about everything i do, Whether or not it will hurt them or make things worse for them, that is always in the top of my mind. I put myself second, it's just my nature. I'd like to think that doing that really does help, but does it really? I still seem unable to help those that matter. All i can really do in the end is watch them get hurt. I am only human and there is only so much I can do, but is that enough to make a difference in the lives around me? And if it isn't I do believe I am screwing myself in the process. Putting myself second is nice and dutiful and all that, but is it worth the pain? I have given up or let pass so many opportunities because of how it would affect others. I'm satisfied with the way things are and I have no regrets but i can never help but wonder how my life would be if I thought for myself a little more.

To quote a few things someone very close to me said, "You think about others too much, one of these days you're going to have to look after yourself." I suppose she is right. i always seem to get hurt, just because I don't look after myself. And some even see that deep into who I am themselves, without having to read my blog. Hahaha I try to look after others and do what I can for them and in the end I'm the one standing alone.

I feel kind of bad mentioning recent events here but it just kind of fits. I try to do what I can for someone and in the end I'm alone once more. I know that it happened for a good reason, even if I don't know all of it. I'm not bitter or angry about any of it but it still hurts. Even when you really try to look after someone they in the end try to look after you. Haha it's kind of a funny little cycle. When I try to look after someone who actually understands this side of me they try to take care of me in turn and they do that by forcing me to look after myself and my own life. Whomever you may be don't take these last few sentences too seriously, they don't make a lot of sense even to me. Most of my rants don't.

Well all in all I guess I really won't know my own purpose. I will continue the way I am and life life how I can. What happens happens and I will live my life. I will always hold on to those close to me, whatever it takes. That is one thing I refuse to change. Maybe that is my purpose? To be that thin layer of glue that holds everything together. Needed in some places more than others but always holding everything else together. Eventually it will break and things will go their own way, but i will hold on as long as I can. And glue can always be reapplied. I'm not going anywhere. My arms are always open for those close to me who have gone and come again, or those who have never known me. I'm always waiting, always holding on in a desperate attempt to make snes out of this thing we call life.

I may never find my true purpose, my calling, my destiny inscribed in the heavens at the beginning of time, but one thing is quite certain; I will always be me. Through thick and thin, blood and tears, love and loss. In the rain and in the sun, alone or with my friends, I will always be me ... whatever that means,

"And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world that we know disappear"

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Here We Go

Well tonight is my last of freedom, the last one before the school year starts. Starting tomorrow I'll have classes, rush, and track along with lots of other stuff. This year is going to be rough but as always I wouldn't have it any other way. Just to warn you all, I may not be able to keep my promise that I would be blogging more frequently. The more I think about it the more I realize that I may really not have time for it. I'll of course try to when I can, and I'm sure there will be plenty to blog about, but I suppose we'll just have to see.

So how do I feel right now? Strangely excited. I always complain when I'm so busy that I have no time for anything else and yet here I am looking forward to getting started. Maybe I just want to get it out of the way or something but it's just weird. I know being ridiculously busy will help me stop thinking about how things are going to be, which I do too often, and get me more focused on what needs done. I've got a few things to take care of but that will happen in time. Right now I just need to go day by day and work my way through this. At least this time I realize before hand that I need to manage my time better and am already starting with that. So hopefully that and the fact that realize what I'm getting myself into will make this a little easier on me. Well wish me luck as I start another semester of more than I can chew :-P

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Training Complete

Hmmm so i do realize that in my last post I said I would be blogging more ... but the last week didn't really leave me much time. RA training lasted since last Wednesday and every day after official training i had to work on my door decorations and bulletin boards for my residents. It went from like 9 until 8 or later every night so it was a busy week. But that ended today so I have time to take a breather, so here it goes ..... whew.

Training was fun and I learned a lot. None of the stuff I learned really surprised me but now that it's all done it seems that being an RA really entails a lot more than I thought. I'm responsible for a lot more things than I ever picked up on when i was a resident myself. So as it turns out this year will be even busier and ass kicky than I thought. Oh well, I'll survive like I always do. Even though hat seems to mean by the skin of my finger tips ...

On another note, or rather the same one, move in is this weekend. A lot of freshman will be pouring in and hopefully some of my upperclassmen friends as well. There will also be the final orientation session and my friends that are orientation leaders. I'm really excited to see a lot of them and I think some of the meetings will be ... interesting ... but I'll deal with that when it happens. I'm pretty excited for move in though. As busy as I am going to be it is going to be a lot of fun meeting all the residents and helping everyone out. And as another perk of the job, I seem to be becoming good friends with the police officers in the area as well as the custodial staff and a lot of other people who impact this campus a lot more than you realize. And now I'm on a first name basis with a lot of them, it's quite fun. I am a very sociable person and this aspect of the job will be quite fun for me. Meeting and befriending the staff and other RA's all within the first time or so meeting them. I am already good friends with people I met two days ago, and knowing me I'm not going to let them become acquaintances. When you befriend me you're stuck with me. So I think I will leave this year with a lot of new friends, my age and older.

So that's all in the life of me, expect a few more frequent posts, mainly me getting back into the groove of blogging, and then consistent updates. Hopefully people are still reading this, despite the little month long drop off. There are some people I know read this and others that I hope do, and I'm hoping every last one of them reads it. Because despite the relationship, I really do enjoy sharing who i am and I hope you enjoy reading about me.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Good to be Back

Well I suppose I'm due for an update, and there has actually been something interesting to blog about. I always hate when I feel like blogging and yet can find nothing worth blogging about. When I talk to people I tend to repeat myself and I'm sure that would end up happening here as well, so I'm trying to save you the bore. Anyway ... I'm back at school. It was an ok summer, I was really detached for really no reason at all and didn't hang out with people as much as I wanted to but that's the thing about good friends, they won't care. We are all disappointed about it but we'll survive and just talk more while I'm here and when I visit back home. And as much as I enjoyed being home with my family I have really been looking forward to coming back. Family is family and I love them to death but it's honestly just better to get away and be able to run my own life and not have to constantly help run the lives of all my little sisters. There are people waiting for me here, well I guess I'm waiting for them now, and I can't wait to see them. There are some I'd like to see more than others, even if they may not be looking forward to it as much as I am, but they will all get a flying hug when I find them.

Well I am currenty sitting in my room in the freshman dorm I am going to be the RA of and it's quite comfortable. All my stuff fit perfectly and it looks great as well. And I have found that the wind goes right through my window so I don't really need my fan right now. And I have a rather nice view of a sand volleyball court and an open area of grass with a grill. Better than i could have hoped for, I do love a good view. So training starts in two days and I'm just sitting around now wondering when I'll see people again and what to say. Haha funny what you think about when you don't have anything else to do.

Well I think I'll be getting back in the groove of blogging now that I'm back and there will be plenty of things to blog about, hopefully good things. So keep an eye out and check my page more frequently. And if you know someone who has gotten bored waiting for me to post again slap them and tell them to read. Don't actually hurt them just tell them I wanted to give them a love tap :-P

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

The Return

Well looky here, I'm back. Sorry I've been gone for so long and without really an explanation. I mean we all need our time to ourselves and all that, but that's not really it. I'm not really sure why myself, and it's more than just not blogging. This summer has been a weird one for me, for the most part I've just been disinterested in taking any action to actually do something despite all my complaints about having nothing to do. I've been complacent to sit around and complain about things and how I'm sooooo bored and have nothing to do when there are plenty of things I could be doing and people I could call. I've just lost interest in actually doing much this summer. It could be my body and mind rebelling after the hell I put it through last year with track being harder and more stressing than ever along with tough classes and other things added in. I suppose I did need a break, at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. Even though I suppose that's true I still have a hard time telling myself that. There are multiple reasons for that I'm sure but the main ones focus on who I am and what I've grown up with. With the number of people in my family there is always something to be done and when I'm not doing anything I'm always being called lazy, albeit is mainly by my step dad. And he's actually gotten a lot better so there's not even his nagging to really make me do anything. I mean I help when it's needed but he doesn't randomly show up and tell me to do stuff. And along with that, I'm just a restless and energetic person. When I'm not doing anything I feel lazy, pathetic and useless. Even when I might deserve a break it just doesn't feel right giving myself one.

Along with just feeling lazy and useless there are other reasons, or at least one that most people know about, that I have felt like being rather useless this summer. I'm not really going to go into any detail or anything because I still believe that what I feel does not need to be plastered on the Internet for any reason, but I am now single. Yeah it sucks and it has caused a lot of thoughts to go through my head and I suppose that is one of the main reasons I don't feel like doing much. Yeah yeah I know life goes on, but for now I'm wishing it wouldn't. It'll be better to get back to school and get to work. With what I'll have on my plate it will be well in my power to exhaust myself beyond thinking and worry and I can't say I'm not looking forward to it. An active lifestyle has a calming effect. It's comforting to know that at the end of the day you did something to make your day worthwhile. Whether it's a good workout, a long day of work, or an annoying test or assignment, there is something to that feeling of exhaustion that just makes me feel whole.

Haha I know it sounds strange and retarded but then again so do many of the things I say. It's kind of funny to think about a lot of things I say and how people must think of them. It's funny because a lot of things I say and/or do are incredibly hypocritical, but I really don't care. It's the way I am and if it sounds strange to you ... well just don't do it yourself. So I don't leave you all scratching your heads I'll give an example; the fact that I will always try to help people whether they really want me to or not. I mean I'm not going to force someone to let me help them but I will be there. Just because they may not want it or may not need it doesn't mean I won't be standing there to catch them if they fall or to lend a helping hand. Just because you don't ask for help doesn't mean you don't need it. Now the hypocritical part ... I don't usually leave myself open for people to help. I mean sure I blab about how I'm feeling a lot but I don't actually let myself show when I may need help. I expect others to accept my help and yet do not want any. A stupid explanation that I seem fond of giving is that how can people to expect me to be able to help if I need help myself? The contradicting nature of ... my nature has been pointed out before and I'm sure there are lots of other examples but oh well. I have never claimed to be normal, wise, or even smart. I do what I do because it's what i feel I should, whether it makes sense or not.

Well that was a long rant full of mostly confusing and pointless statements, just like before eh? Good to see I haven't changed all that much.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Silence

Just thought I'd let everybody know that I probably won't be blogging for awhile. Some things happened recently that I'm sure I've told some of you. Most of what I'm feeling probably shouldn't be tossed online. So I'll keep this on to myself and just sit quietly for now. Just don't expect to hear to much from me in the form of blogging.

Until next time, Shadow out...

Hangover

Don't worry the title is not what you think, I don't drink remember? I was just thinking and realized that not too many of my posts have actually been very happy. I seem to enjoy lamenting about things that upset me and never look at the good things. The title is the name of what is probably the funniest movie i have ever seen. I saw it this weekend with my dad and brother. Its about a group of friends who go to Vegas for a bachelor party and then lose the groom-to-be and forget what happened in the process. The events following the search for their friend had me laughing nonstop. Here's a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XB0pGnzsAZI

Well just felt like posting something positive for once. Oh and on another note, I'm going to get to go skydiving again this summer. It was a blast the first time and I'm even more excited to go again. Maybe someone can visit and come with us? Haha who knows. Well I'll be talking to you guys again soon.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Restless Heart

Well it's been a week or so since I last blogged, and that not a very happy one. But then again isn't that why I started this? For me this is more about screaming out the things I don't normally talk about into a computer instead of just yelling at myself. And I suppose that's the real reason for my restlessness.

This restlessness isn't just a restless body trying to keep moving, it's a restless mind that won't shut up and stop over analyzing. Now that i really think about it, that is a very defining trait for me. I may seem reckless and incautious, but I'm really quite the opposite. I always consider the effects of what I do and say. Perhaps that is why i am always so hesitant when it comes to important things. Hell I do that with unimportant. I try and please everyone, when that is in no way possible. I don't know why I do it, and trust me I've tried not doing it. But no matter what I do I end up sitting up in the middle of the night considering pointless things. Most of the time my mental arguments with myself consist of me yelling at myself for being stupid. For feeling this or thinking that. There are some things I refuse to think and refuse to be. I suppose I'll mention one of them.

Jealousy, I hate it. It means I'm afraid of losing something or afraid of never getting it. It's something people feel all the time but I hate it. All it can do is cause more problems. If I'm jealous of an item then what? I can hate someone for having what I can't, do something to get it. Neither really sound like much fun. So I berate myself and get over it. Items are cool and all but that's not my issue with jealousy. My biggest fear is losing those close to me. I would do anything for any of them and I hope they know that. Jealousy is really the realization of those fears. I fear losing those that are close to me or losing the chance to get closer to those I truly care about. I can't count how many times I've been jealous of someone for the attentions of some girl, even after I know it means nothing and it's stupid. Even now when I have a girlfriend, it still happens. I hope nobody reading this takes that in the wrong way. My jealousy is not possessiveness, it's the fear of loss that haunts my every decision and action being realized. I would do whatever I must to ensure that those near me stay that way. But this jealousy is stupid. It means nothing and has no reason to be there. And yet here I sit, wide awake when i should be tired and sleeping. I'll listen to some music, stare out my window, argue with myself and eventually force myself to sleep. But why must this always occur? Why can't my heart just listen to my mind and stop worrying? When I find the answer to that perhaps I'll sleep like a normal person.

I wish I could let go of stupid thoughts, and hopefully blogging them will help them stay away. Worse comes to worse I'll just call those closest to me and have them tell me how stupid I'm being as well. That's what friends are for right?

Well goodnight and enjoy sleeping. It's a luxury that so often eludes me.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Ramblings

For the first time in a long while I've started thinking things that I thought I put behind me. Things along the lines of "What the hell am I doing?" I realized that I really don't know. I'm majoring in Chemical Engineering at a really good school. A school that I really don't know why I chose. It felt right for me sure but can you really base life altering decisions on gut instinct alone? I love it where I am and I'm glad about that, but I can't expect to get that lucky with everything. A lot of people were talking this weekend about what they're doing and their plans for the future. Their career plans, graduate plans, summer plans, internships and all that. What do I know? A load of nothing. Sure ChemE is a good field, but what the hell am I going to do with it? This summer I am doing nothing. I can make up all the excuses I want about not having time and not being able to get a job because of the economy or that it's just over the summer. I haven't even been working out, I've even been lucky to be doing so well in track. I'm lazy and my body just miraculously takes all the crap and comes through for me.

To be honest I am kinda lost, I'm in a good spot and there is no reason to feel depressed or to panic. I'm not and I don't plan on it. But it's hard to look at everyone around me planning for the future and not feel left behind. Where am I going and what will I do with my life. There are a lot more things involved in this thought pattern than most of you know, and it's a thought pattern that I only really share with a few people. So sorry for hinting and then closing my mouth, for once, but there are some things even I keep hidden. Some people know, and they are the ones that know me best. And these feelings are a tender point that I really don't feel like shouting to the world like I usually do. Maybe perhaps for once I'll keep it close to the chest. The only one I plan on talking to about this is actually in the next room, but she has her own problems to worry about so I'll let her be for now.

Sorry if this post seems slightly down and more random than my usual posts. It's night and I'm thinking and I juts felt like blogging. I don't script these things or even think before I type, I just type and publish. So anyways, I'm sure you'll be hearing form me soon.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Regrets ... Kinda

I've never considered myself a judgmental person. I mean I have no problem with any race, disability, sexual orientation, or anything else that people usually tend to be judged by. I get to know people and usually end up forgiving them for their shortcomings. I always follow this, call it a code of conduct if you like, it's just one of those things I live by. But there is one glaring example that always seems to annoy me. I always try and justify myself but in the end I really am just passing judgment when I really shouldn't. Trying to force myself to feel emotions I usually avoid or ignore. I don't hate. It's not that I can't, I just don't. Someone may annoy me but I won't hate them. It's just that way I am. Hate is just too against all that I am and I avoid it or ignore it when it should be there. And yet in this one example I seem to be forcing myself to hate. I know some of you have heard me complain about it before, but I'm talking about my step dad and my step sister.

This forced feeling isn't some deep rooted hatred about replacing my father or anything, he's just a dick and she's a brat. Now as true as that may be I think that for years I have blocked myself from feeling anything but hate towards them. He does tend to make life hell for me and my siblings, but is that really any reason to hate him? The hell I speak of is what ... more chores? How horrible. He has no right to take out his annoyances on us but that doesn't mean I should hate him. He doesn't beat us or curse at us or anything. He does tell us we're lazy and that we make our mom do too much and that she's "going to have a heart attack one day because of it." Although when he said that he was really annoyed at something. I don't think I ever really gave him a chance. I tried to listen and change to make him feel like I was making an effort to help, which I always did, but he never noticed. And so I just hated him. Being away from home I think has helped me mature and get a better look at things. I think it did the same thing for him. Now that I'm back we both seem different. He's still not ultra friendly or anything but he hasn't really went off on me or anybody that I saw about anything. Maybe he resolved a few issues or maybe he realized that I/we really did/do do stuff, whatever it is I've realized that I have no reason to hate him. I don't think I can ever truly manage to love him, as harsh as that sounds. He isn't my father and has never acted like a father figure. I really don't think he wants to be and that's fine, but he does deserve my respect whether he really deserves it or not. Maybe it's about time I grew up and just stopped being a little kid hating his step dad. I don't really regret how I acted or felt, but it's just not necessary anymore. He was an ass to us but I think he had some of his own issues to work out and he is getting better. So away with childish hate and away with judging, haha always a good idea in my book.

One thing I do regret is how I acted towards my step sister. Another example of pointless hate. Yes she was kind of a brat and a bitch, but aren't most teenage girls. I never really gave her a chance and never really bothered to try and get to know her. That could easily be why she was always a brat to me. She didn't bother respecting me because I ignored and avoided her. It was a stupid thing to do and I do regret it. The good thing is that it's never too late, especially with family. I talked with her this past weekend and it was nice. She seemed to miss me and all and we had a talk about my girlfriend, which she apparently didn't know I had. I think she has matured as well, which really helps, and she seems to be someone I can get along with better. So I'm looking forward to giving her a chance and actually getting to know her. I don't know if she will read this or if I even want her to. But either way, I'm sorry. I was childish for hating you for no reason but I do regret it. But if you do read this please don't bring it up with me. It's hard enough to admit that I've been a retard all this time but I really don't feel like actually talking about it. Haha childish again but I'm not really into the whole opening to family thing. Anyways sorry for the way I've acted.

Well sorry for the long post but it's something I've been thinking about and something that's been bothering me. So thanks for bearing with me.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Home Number Two

Well it's been a few days since I've posted, but I've been trying to keep myself busy. The whole restlessness thing doesn't sit very well with me so I've been trying to keep active. Went to my best friend's family reunion on Sunday, I might as well be part of the family. We ate and played softball all afternoon. I'm still in shape but my legs haven't really done much in awhile so I was kinda sore come Monday. I got scolded by someone Monday night for not blogging in awhile so I was planning on posting something then ... but ended up not. Haha typical me. Anyway Mr. Complainer, here's a new post.

Not really sure what I'm going to talk about, I just feel like I should say something. I'm at my best friend's house right now and things are as good as ever. His friendship is one I was both worried about and also unconcerned about all in one. We didn't talk all that much during our first years at school but I wasn't worried because these kinds of friendships don't fray that easily. But of course I wondered whether things would change. Although we've both matured, sort of, in our own ways nothing has changed. I showed up yesterday and the chaos followed. We played some video games, threw a Frisbee, a football, chased frogs, and tormented his family. The thing it seems I missed the most is the unending stream of sarcastic insults and jokes that always follows when I stop by. And of course he assumed I'd be staying for a few days. We never plan these things, we just do it. It's comforting to be back here because it really is another home for me. At my actual house there is always kids running around and screaming and arguing siblings as well as just lots of crap that I don't feel like dealing with. Here it's just fun. I mean every family has its arguments and such but it's still calmer here than at the other house. And of course they make sure i don't take myself too seriously. They always make sure that I realize that any worries I have or things I think about too much don't really matter. Most of what I do is made into a joke and it makes me realize that they're really just little things. It's nice to be somewhere where the only expectations are that I crack a joke every few seconds and that I smile.

The expectations of people really do get to me sometimes. I know people don't expect me to be perfect but sometimes it just seems that way. The way people assume that I will do well in school, get my work done, always be able to help, or always do well in a race gets to me after awhile. Sometimes it just seems that I'm really not allowed to do bad, make mistakes or frown. I am in no way perfect, but I try to be as close as I can because it seems people expect it of me. I will always help and I will always run myself to the point where I can no longer stand. Why you may ask, because it's what people seem to need of me. Am I really that reliable? Can I really do all that is asked of me? Probably not but that isn't going to stop me.

Hahaha I just started thinking about something that crosses my mind a lot. Sorry if anything I say seems kind of conceded, I just think too much and this is what comes out. It may seem like I think a lot of myself but I really don't. People tell me it doesn't sound like I'm conceded but i worry anyway. I hate conceded people who brag and talk about themselves too much and I always worry I sound like that. Anyway just don't take anything I say too seriously they're just the ramblings of a crazy kid.

Anyway, I'm off to Chipotle for dinner soon so......

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Restless

So it's been about a week since I came home and things are back to normal. Unfortunately this includes my restlessness. All of you reading this who know me even a little bit know that I'm always on the move. Sure I get tired eventually, but most of the time I'm running around doing something. For the last few months that hasn't been a problem. I mean how can it when I'm in a building surrounded by people I'm good friends with. Anyway, now that I'm home I'm starting to feel the pangs of restlessness again. It's kind of a problem when you live out in the boonies 20 min away from all your friends. My family is all at school or work right now and even when they are home everyone is busy and doing they're own thing. My step dad always gives me crap about always sitting in my room, but what else can I do? If I go downstairs I'll be surrounded by screaming kids, who just get louder the more people there are, teenage girls complaining about not being able to find this or being late for that and just a really loud busy mess. If someone needs my help or needs something done then I'll gladly do it, but otherwise I prefer the quiet of my own room ... even if it does get lonely/boring. I'd hang out with friends but a lot of them are busy as well, working and all. That kind of bugs me, that I haven't gotten a job. I was planning to but then I was going to be staying a few extra weeks for track and I have to be back early for the RA training, and on top of that we have vacations to go to. There wasn't going to be any time for a job. And then there was the no go for track so I have time. But now I haven't been looking and the likelihood of getting a job for the bit of time I can work is rather slim. I'll start applying and stuff soon just to see but I'm still going to be bored and restless until then.

Restlessness is a frequent visitor with me. I can only play so many games or watch so many shows before I get the need to just do something. I'm blogging now because I'm restless. I can't just show up at my friends' houses because they have their own stuff to do and I'm starting to get bored with reading and video games, plus I feel guilty for sitting in my room all day all week. My dad said I could the mow the lawn at his house so i may do that, but then what? GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I hate being restless. Some people enjoy the feeling of doing nothing but that's just not how I'm built to work. I'm built to go go go, full of energy and rearing to go .... except with nowhere to go. If someone called me and asked to play soccer or something I would throw on my shoes and be out the door in 2 minutes. It's nice to be free of school and such but it's kinda lonely to be back in my restless state. It even happens when I'm trying to sleep. Because I'm not doing anything I'm not tired and can't get to sleep. For people who are wondering, that's why I don't usually need all that much sleep. Unless I wear myself down, which is strangely hard to do, I don't sleep well. I can try but I usually wake up every so often. It's kind of annoying but oh well, unlimited energy has its downsides

Well I think i've occupied myself enough with blogging today, I'm getting more restless just sitting here. So I'm going to find something to do. Maybe I'll chase my dog around the yard or something, that's always fun. Well thanks for listening to my random, restless rambling.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D

Nature and Friends

Now that I have been home for a few days I'm settling back into my old habits and amusements. Mostly this revolves around, as the title says, nature and friends. Now my friends from home who may be reading this may wonder "When does he amuse himself with nature?" Truth is, I don't usually go out and spend days in the woods, or hunt, or picking flowers. I just love nature for the sake of nature. Being in a city for college has really changed my perspective. I've always been a fan of nature and it's peacefulness. At my dad's house I usually go out and wander in the fields where he keeps his horses or take the 4-wheeler out for a ride to clear my head. There is something about nature that just cleans the soul. Out there you know that everything is pure, clean (ignoring pollution and other human interferences). It's nice to just sit outside ... and breathe. Most people in society these days don't take that opportunity. Life is all about rushing to do this or running to get there. If everyone took a moment to just breathe and look around things might not seem so hectic.

We're surrounded by so much beauty and nobody takes the chance to see it. It kind of helps that I live out in the boonies in the middle of nowhere and the fact that my dad is kind of an outdoors freak, but those aren't bad things. Because of all that I get the chance to do and see a lot of things that most people only dream about. Since being home I've begun to realize how much I've taken all of it for granted. I mean on any given day I can ride a horse, chase a goat, shoot a gun (at something if I really feel like it), chuck a tomahawk at a tree, walk through a forest, go camping, climb a tree (several if I'm feeling squirrelish), walk into the mountains and more. The fact that most people don't have those kinds of choices never crossed my mind. It's not that it's a huge deal or anything, but being away has opened my eyes to how lucky I am to be this close to and involved with nature. I love it and always will, and if any of you feel like visiting and chasing a goat feel free.

Now to the other half of the title ... friends. You really don't realize how much you miss people until you get reunited. I mean I know I missed my best buddies but it really didn't hit me as to how different it is hanging out with them compared to friends at college until I hung out with them last night. We had the craziest conversations ... and I was "forced" to watch High School Musical 3 ... and it was just like old times. It felt so good to experience that nothing had changed though we go to different colleges. A few update stories and then we were the crazy trio again. Simba, Pumbaa, and Timon as they like to call us (I'm Simba of course). There are still a lot of friends that aren't home yet. but it's comforting to know that nothing will ave changed with my best friends. They've all seen me at my best and at my worst and no amount of time will affect our bonds. We are buddies for life and I'm thankful for it.

I guess what I've been rambling about is that I've learned to appreciate all that I have. I really am lucky to have such good friends and to be able to live the life I live. All I have to say is that it's good to be home and that I've missed the ol' MD.

Until next time, Shadow out :-D